Handle me gently.
Mull it over in your mind
Until you find the words that match your intentions.
Say them quietly
So only I can hear.
Don't speak harshly.
Don't leave me hanging.
Don't blend into the background.
A word spoken is a word meant
So say what you mean
Because I meant what I said
And I'll say it again.
I love you times one million.
All my bad decisions were worth it
If my one right decision was you.

Cold.
I was waiting
but I’ve changed my mind.
The whole world fell away, left just me/us
and it felt OK.
All the stuff I thought mattered;
age-gap, gossip, housing, education-
when it was just me/us- it didn’t.
(she’s awake)
For a moment we were everything.
It was beautiful.
I love me/us- even with
complications pushing
into my mind,
cramming themselves
around me/us euphoria-
I’m not making an Angel today.
Going home.
(what’s she doing?)
Jelly legs aren’t working,
feel hot and slippery.
She’s holding me
down.
(Sshh- you’re fine, just a bit woozy)
I don’t believe in Angels.
Crap.
(it’s the anaesthetic, makes them cry)

I am a lost traveler
on their expedition (of this I am sure)

sailing atop a flat ocean atop
a turtle's back (of this they are sure)

but
I know the world is a sphere
afloat in a sea of nothing

maybe
or maybe not

atop a turtle's back (of this I'm not sure)

Silent I drift
my tongue impaled by
reason and fear and defeat
wishing
to fall off the flat earth (that I very well know is round)

shut me down, sunshine
let me drown in a sea of questions
--hoping to get an answer

Kissed that ****...
...pointing...
...finger.

© 2014 J.S.P.

I was waiting for
the last train to my home,
But it never came.
The night was cold,
Even though the winter had not come yet.
No one there.
Nothing there,
But the cold tracks
And the silent platform.
The air refused to speak to me,
Even to say "sshh" through the wind.
I was completely alone.

I wished you had been there
standing before me
and warmed my heart
with the fire of your love.
So, I could throw the handful of tears into that fire
And let go away all the sadness.

But I was completely alone.
No one there.
Nothing there,
But the cold tracks
And the silent platform.
And the air also refused to speak to me,
Even to say "sshh" through the wind...

KANYA PUSPOKUSUMO
2017
Instagram @kanya.puspokusumo
http://doeniadevi.wordpress.com/

*Andong is a city in North Gyeongsang Province, South Korea. It is about 200 km from Seoul.
It is known as the most Korean place in Korea, and the "Capital City of Korean Spiritual Culture", with many aspects of the Korean traditional cultures throughout the past 2,000 years.

Woe is you not me,  
woe is the life we live lying to compensate
how we really feel,  
is it something to be proud of -
that I have you only to not have you
when it's most convenience,
touch me fast kiss me quick,
hide away, don't say that,

cause "He"  might hear you,
shhh,
lets pretend & perpetrate nothing going on,
nothings as it seems, I I can't win,
we can't loose,
hide away this longing yearning
un-penetrating bound we share.

Hold off don't kiss me just yet cause
wallowing in regrets a thing I must do,
save face and be untrue be in debt
and
live as if there isn't anything between us,  
nothings sacred anymore,
we have to give off this illusion
that this friendships nothing more.

Pretend as you love me never let me feel you though,  
hold me close but quickly let me go,  
move in and out of me but don't fall asleep once we finish
hurry go to your room, please,

fastly hurry, shh don't make a sound.

shhh, do you hear that sounds like keys entering a lock,
please stop wait ok go slow, slower,  
I love you too & love you more,  
do it again deeply this time make me pop,  
your hairs blowing from the wind in my bed room
since I left the window open.

Sshh did you hear that wait, ok ,  don't stop,  
this is the love we share sadly it's not enough, come with me
and please hurry
baby hurry
I'm exploding,
climaxing together feels so good,
but wait shhh,
don't you dare move,
don't speak,
hold up, run to your room  
hurry up,

Shhh baby stop  shivering
Please no more cause...

He's coming home.*



Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Simple little obsession
The temptation makes you stop
Touching and feeling
Caressing so soft.

Look into my eyes
as we fall deeper inside.
Memorized by temptation
I want to freeze time.
Intense emotions,
All so faithful and true.

Sshh.
Be quieter,
You'll wake the entire room.

Hands tremble,
legs shake
This feeling is nothing less than great.
Shiver and quiver
as its time to leave
Departing each other
But its still hard to breathe.

Feeling you so close,
But now saying goodbye.
Trials tribulate,
as our time expires by.

Wishing to be with you
Is the only thing I want.
Smelling you still on me makes me feel just so complete.
I drift away slowly as i find myself asleep.
Even losing all consciousness,
I miss you still.

If someday you would find me,
Destined for another,
That I only kiss
With half the feeling it requires,
Then by that time, you would know
That I have already decided
To go against my patience.

I no longer await
The fulfillment of the heart.
I no longer wish to see a world out-of-place.
I would see as if
I see like you.
I will no longer look at your *******, your hips,
For I would only look at *******, and hips.
Your eyes-- just eyes
That I would stare at still.
And I would secretly want you
Like classical music.
I would secretly want to touch
Your moony left earlobe.

I am destined with such sshh inside of me.
My heart is only wind tonight;
My hands, water.
I struggle for the poem of love,
The leaf it carries towards you.

A cicada is all I can think off your songs;
I have no use for the evening but to listen to.
My soul is not contented, not,
That somewhere two stars are far apart,
As though a male one from his ex-girlfriend.

I have a liking for what I cannot have;
I let you go on purpose.
The black of your hair, the little of your feet,
Hands, slight-fevered,
Rows of lip, rows of thigh-
All of it, gone;
All of it,
Cloud and jasmine.

I let you go because I want you still.
I love what I do not have.
I know my fate.
I love you.
And I set you free.*

© 2014 J.S.P.

O breath-bloomed beast,
O phantom pulse,
O sweeper, swift,
O shadow scars
Of destinies
And designations,
Of heart's desire
And desperation,
And despair,
Downward detours
To despair, the deep Danube
Of departures, I detonate
The dormant dynamite
Of decent death,
Now, seal the sea
Of my seeping soul,
Let alone the love
And sshh the sails
Of sorrow, that I might
Greet her tomorrow,
With a trellis of tears
And a smile.

     A smile.*

© 2015 J.S.P.

There is nothing more painful
Than having said goodbye
With an I love you, that you must
     Walk on, live life
And pass by an old park bench,
     Alone.

There is no night that could sate you,
No banquet can. You can’t help
     But crave for it repeatedly,
Her flaws are far away,
Her milk lips, her cheeks, sugared,
The pastry of her neck reminds you
     Of her eyes, condescending,
Her sshh, the disregard she has for you,
     That yet you always fall for.

You will think of her beauty, divine,
That left from and returned to her ponytail.
Her straight hair can unravel
    The emptiness of a thin moon.
Your heart would have left with her fully,
Or lies with you empty, and still
     You are confused.

And then you will find out
That there is no such thing, nothing,
Was as clumsy as her smile,
     Making a mess of hearts,
          The hearts of men.

And so, you sit
At a bench for two, alone,
     Drunk, nauseated,

     Knowing…
          …that you have lost her.*

© 2017 J.S.P.

I do not complain the slow singe
Of sun above our heads, nor
     The blue berserker which is before us,
          A thing of beauty and treachery,

I do not mind the moisture, the salinity,
Beads of sweat, eloping with the spray,
Diaphanous and are one, escaping us,
     Departing into thin air.

I would trade all energy, the distance
Of this journey, the labors of our feet,
Just to witness you, the black bird
     Of brows I love, surveying the horizon,
Those teeth of linear pearl, or the red
Gates of kiss immortal, all risen
     From the summery sshh of heat.

There's nothing that would equal
The squinting of your eyes, those
Thinning of the stars, the doubled
     Supernova, which now are phoenixes
That are not born, burned, nor are revived,
     But carry death, my death, my only,

          My life.*

© 2015 J.S.P.

"You jump, I jump
Remember"

Clinging on for dear life
Too scared to look up
Or look down
I concentrate on your terrified eyes the tears streaming down your face
"Look at me"
"Trust me"
"Give me your hand"
"I'll never let you go"
Whispering soothing words and giving you the hope to leap
"I can't do it, I can't jump"
"Yes you can - you trust me, don't you?"
"Yes"
I grip your hand tight
You scream
And scream
And scream
We're flying now
"I've got you"
"Sshh..it's ok - it's over, we did it"
I cup your face and gaze with pride in my eyes
"You did it"

"You jump, I jump
Remember"*

This is the Leap of Faith.

Cities are *****, grimy places
Full of people with interesting faces.

There's dark hair, blonde hair, red hair, white hair and grey ;  imagine all the colours of a rainbow and then add a few.

There's fair skin, dark skin, olive skin and mellow tones too.

There's small eyes, wide eyes, blue eyes, green eyes, grey eyes and brown; some have 20:20 vision, some hide behind glasses, some wear contact lenses to enhance their sight, some have a world of darkness behind their eyes.

There's large noses, small noses, wide noses, button noses, some hold glasses upon their face, some are cumbersome, some full of grace.

There's clear skin, wrinkled skin, acne skin, damaged skin, translucent skin, soft skin, dry skin, sunkissed skin, sunburnt skin.

There's big ears, small ears, pierced ears, cauliflower ears, ears with rings in to make them wide; some people wear hearing aids to enhance what they hear, some live in total silence.

Some people are tall, some are short, some are able to walk, some need assistance every day to be able to walk even a small way.

There are cyclists and runners on every street, roller skaters, walkers your most likely to meet; add in football, cricket and rugby players too, basketball, rounders, netball, tennis and golf, squash, badminton, swimming and diving, there's such diversity in all that we do.

Libraries and Museums open their doors, sshh be quiet, though it's free to explore.

Shops, coffee shops, hairdressers a plenty, though some of the bigger spaces remain empty; cost of rent is exceedingly high and don't even think about the option to buy.

There's leisure parks to walk and have fun with your dogs, parks with swings and roundabouts for your children who are  young.

Some Cities have rivers, some have canals built to let barges through.

Some Cities have harbours, marinas too, look over the Ocean at a sea that's blue.

All Cities have Universities to provide education to those from home or from far and wide.

Spoilt for choice of courses to attend there's professions of course, doctors, dentists, lawyers and nurses, accountants and vets. There's media, dance, English language and literature, geography, history and maths. There's IT, cookery and drama and how to handle a camera. There's business and entertainment, wedding planning and Latin. Any subject of your choice can be found somewhere around.

You can find comedy clubs, poetry readings, chess clubs, scout clubs, lego groups, cookery classes, sewing classes, reading groups, right outside your door, if you took the chance to look around your neighbourhood and the  time to explore.

Don't write off the City though it may look ***** and grimy in places, it is as you can see, full of interesting people and places.

Three buildings
No, I didn't miss these
The curved road
The way to prison

Sheep at the entrance
A wolf inside
It passes through them in a blink of an eye
Its acting is oh so fine

An innocent angel glides
Staircase marked with the devil's hands
A seemingly dried paint
Staining who dares to touch it

Avoiding gazes
You couldn't see me
A power of an introvert
That is to never get noticed

With a preserved key
Into an unchanging door ****
What is security?
Heh, you've let your guard down

This place is rotting
To the extent that it sent shivers on my spine
Garments still hanging
Even something that was mine

"Sshh!" Quiet baby!
Hush! Don't be too surprised
I am so glad to see
Your narrowed yet rounded eyes

The wooden chair creaks
The once soft sofa is now stiff
Now, now, don't sniff
It should be me, with all these detergent scent

Little cockroaches running around
Hiding, popping in and out of the cracks
With what you said I felt glee
You want to be like them, free

Why just now?
You could've done it before in rewind
How does it taste?
The pain from twenty-o-one-five

Beauty-less vanity
With that can you foresee?
I just unmasked your true colors
Uglier than any other monsters

Ooops, I cut too much
Of what he considered as his "life"
Now, what?
You will never ever be satisfied

He never knew me anyway
How did you like my introduction?
He can't even take sufferings like my way
He turned the switch on

Alas! It didn't work
Of course it won't
Behold! Humanity at its finest
Do you see the laughing saints?

We have now reversed our roles
True, it is quite forcing
You've made me like this for so long
Is it to your liking?

Red, violet, black, blue
The color of the rainbow signifies me
I'll paint these colors to you
See the root of my tree

With your voice
That's already hoarsed
To me it is pleasure
Your nails have to endure

You're holy? No!
Neither I am
Your tea has gone cold
As I dream with eyes wide open

Going home
What is remorse,
When it was what you deserved?
Alarms go off

Alone in my corner, no words to say
No one to talk to, no words I say
No one to turn to, without energy I can’t
I have no regrets, none at all
I just know too much people, I do.

The essence of friendship is uncertainty to me,
I can change myself with the power within,
I always wonder,
How it feels, not to speak;
Even just for a day, I want to feel.

I talk, I listen; I eat
But too much I speak
No matter how I try, I can’t stop talking
I turn to God, but didn’t wait for an answer
To be a thespian, I can’t
That’s the reason for my speech.

Hurt, hurt; hurt
Pain, pain; pain
All I feel is hurt and pain,
I do forgive but can’t forget.

I’ll just love me and do me,
No one to hurt me
No one to say to me;
Sshh, you talk too much
Oh, I hate the feeling of such,
Endless pain
Endless hurt
God please help me from this ache.

Preface: Lilya is a bound soul, a human being whose soul is tied directly to a demon. The demon and human live symbiotically, each acting as a protector and extension of their consciousness.

The air was ice cold, making Lilya's breath fog in front of her as she sat up. It was nearly pitch black in the room, save for a few stray beams of moonlight through boarded up windows. She held her breath and listened intently for any trace of life. To her relief and dismay, there was none. She had hoped for the familiar sound of Soryn's breathing but the room was silent, save for the creaking of floorboards elsewhere. Her mind felt fuzzy, like she'd been drinking. She felt a sharp pain within her mind as something pried it's way out. Jayda's voice screamed in Lilya's head. "LET ME OUT!!!!"
Lilya flinched and attempted to calm her, "Jayda whoa! What's going on?"
Lilya could feel Jayda's conscience relax, "Oh thank the devil, I'm finally out. When you got knocked out I got forced into the back of your mind, and I couldn't break free. I think we may have been drugged or cursed temporarily."
Lilya nodded, "Do you have any idea where we are or what's going on? Where's Soryn?"
Jayda shrugged. "I wish I knew, my senses aren't working right. I think we're really far away from where we were."
Lilya frowned and tried to reach out her conscience to find help, but to no avail. She could barely extend herself ten feet ahead of her. She panicked slightly and traced a rune over the back of her hand, the same one that Soryn had on his. To her relief it glowed a dull purple. "He's okay. Thank the devil."
Lilya glanced around as her eyes adjusted. The room looked like it was part of an old house, close to a hundred years old. The walls and floor looked well worn and much worse for wear than should be possible. Detris and debris were scattered around haphazardly. A thin layer of dust was on a lot of it, showing signs of abandonment, though there were fresher tracks leading to Lilya. The tracks didn't belong to her, but it looked as if she'd been carried into the room and then her carrier had vanished, as there were no tracks leading away from her. There was a black hallway in front of her, and beyond that was uncertain. Lilya swallowed hard and felt the hairs on her arms and neck stand on end.
She could feel Jayda's efforts in keeping Lilya's heart beating slowly so as not to attract anything to them. Lilya put a hand down to steady herself and found her palm resting on the grip of a gun. She blinked as she gripped the cold steel and lifted the gun into view. No dust. This had been placed here alongside her deliberately.
Lilya instinctively pushed the button on the side of the gun, dropping the magazine into her hand. It felt heavy, fully loaded. She guessed she had about thirteen shots before she was *******. She dismissed the thought of her impending demise as she slid the magazine back into place. Lilya could feel Jayda's apprehension colliding with her own and she shut her eyes. "We may as well get moving. Dead or not I can't just sit here."
Lilya carefully stood up, trying fervently to make as little noise as possible. Now on her feet, she took a moment to check her pockets. To her surprise, she still had her phone and her lighter, though she had the feeling she shouldn't use either of them frivolously. Jayda echoed Lilya's thoughts as she said, "Any light will more than likely attract unwanted attention. Deadly attention."
Lilya thought about how to proceed. She could just charge blindly forward, stumble across some trap or hazard and die foolishly, or she could be methodical, choosing each step carefully. She decided to rely on what little area she could see with her extended conscience to guide her. At the least it would keep her from tripping over debris or running face first into a wall.
Lilya took a deep breath and took a confident step forward, shifting her weight slowly. The boards creaked quietly, accepting her cautious steps. Lilya focused on the darkness ahead of her, her senses on high alert. The hallway was barren as far as she could tell, save for a few scraps of paper she wouldn't have been able to read. The hall was roughly fifteen careful steps long and took almost the same amount of time to traverse.
As Lilya stood at the end of the hallway, she heard a sinister reptilian hiss somewhere in the building. She held her breath as she heard soft thudding beneath her. She thought to Jayda, "Either we're on a high level or there's a basement."
Jayda remarked, "Either way, I'm not looking forward to meeting whatever that was."
Lilya turned her attention back on finding her way out. She glanced to her right and listened carefully as wind rocked the house slightly. she could sense another hallway leading to her right, deeper into the darkness. However, as she took the first step down the corridor, a single flame ignited at eye level, as if it were a candle springing to life. She froze, was someone holding it? It didn't seem to move at all, only the flickering of the flame.
As Lilya took a step forward, so did the flame. She realized that someone was holding it, perhaps someone else trapped here? She couldn't be certain but she stepped forward again, aiming the gun just above the flame, where it's carrier's head should be. The figure stepped forward simultaneously, it's motion as cautious as her own. Lilya grit her teeth in fear and determination as she stepped forward again. The flame flickered again and now lilya could see the bearer. She froze as she saw a mirror like image of herself illuminated by the flame of a lighter. Her lighter. Lilya's hand crept to her pocket, feeling the block of metal right where it should be. The lit face blinked in confusion and glanced around, as if not seeing Lilya in front of her. At this distance, Lilya should have been lit up, if even just slightly. Something seemed off, and Mirror Lilya opened her mouth as if to say something but turned away, as if startled. Lilya stood deadly still as she watched her mirror image turn slightly, the flame arcing around horizontally around her. Jayda was oddly quiet and Lilya asked within her mind, "What the hell is going on?"
Jayda stifled a response with a simple, "Sshh!"
Lilya looked again and saw that her mirror image had turned back towards her and had taken another step, nearly directly in front of Lilya.
Lilya held her breath and kept the gun aimed at the person in front of her. Confusion crept through Lilya's mind as Jayda pointed out that the mirror hadn't reacted to Lilya or the gun. Lilya looked closer at the doppelganger and focused on a mark across her chest, like a faded scar crossing from the high sternum to the inner arm. Lilya bit her tongue as she reached up and felt the same scar crossing her own chest. "Is this really me? What the hell?"
Lilya didn't have time to ponder an answer as the person in front of her gasped and dropped the lighter. As the flame fell, Lilya could see a fistful of razor sharp claws clutching the mirror's heart. The body slumped and disappeared from Lilya's view as the flame extinguished on the ground. A strong chord of fear reverberated within her as she imagined what beast lay just in front of her. She dare not light her own lighter for fear of attracting the same fate. "Jayda. What just happened."
Jayda hesitated before responding quietly, "I... I'm not sure how to explain it. But you just saw yourself die."
Lilya frowned, "Well... Yeah but. Was it me? Or an illusion? Or what?"
Jayda was quiet again. Lilya queried again, "Jayda?"
Jayda's voice was delicate, as if she were afraid the information may hurt Lilya. "It was another version of yourself. From an alternate timeline if I had to guess."
Lilya frowned, "So in other timelines I'm still stuck here? And why was I able to see her... Er... Myself?"
Jayda sounded agitated, "I'm not sure. This is a first for me too. But one thing is for certain now. We are not alone here."
Lilya nodded, "And we know not to use the lighter."
Lilya took a step forward, half expecting her foot to collide with a body. To her relief, her foot was met with hardwood floor. The next few steps were agonizingly slow and the tension I'm the air was only growing. Jayda squirmed inside her as she screamed, "STOP!"
Lilya froze in place and held her breath as Jayda guided Lilya's gaze to her right, where the faintest shadow was cast with light from a nearby window. She was at the mouth of a large room, possibly a living room, and something large was moving in the center. She could faintly hear a lapping sound and the slight pattering of liquid on the wooden floor. Jayda squirmed even more, "Oh **** oh **** oh **** do NOT ******* move for the love of God. That's a ******* angel."
Lilya frowned, "I thought angels were supposed to be like, divine benevolent beings or something?"
Jayda scoffed, "**** no! Angels are brutal, heartless killers. They feed on the corpses of their victim's to keep fueling their sick bloodlust. You ever wonder why angels only ever show up in the Bible when someone needed to die? They're monsters."
Lilya swallowed and took a deep breath. "So what do I do?"