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Vivian Proctor Mar 2015
As she sat up in bed, a sob escaped her dark red, swollen lips. She looks down at her out-stretched legs and ran her fingers along her thighs as she looked and felt all of the scars and cuts painted across her skin. Tears continued to roll down her pale cheeks, dropping down onto her arms and legs. "Why?" She mumbles to herself. She reaches down under her bed and pulls out a black and silver box. When people see this box, they think there is shiny, beautiful jewelry inside that she would never show. But really, in that box held a lighter, three blades, and a little bag of pills. She lifted the lid off of the box and set it aside as she reached inside, grabbing a hold of a brand new blade and setting it on the bed in front of her. She put in her headphones, listening to Soldier by Before You Exit.

    She twirled the shiny silver piece of metal between her fingers, focusing her attention on the beat of the music in her ears. She held the blade to her leg and slowly cut her flesh. She flinched slightly as the pain shot throw her thigh, slowly becoming numb. A tear silently rolled down her cheek as she sliced again. Her hands were shaking a bit as blood seeped out of her new self-inflicted wounds. She grabbed a piece of tissue from her dresser and dabbed softly at the blood dripping down her leg.

    After wiping off the blade and throwing away the tissue, the broken girl placed the now used metal razor back into the box, pulling out the bag of Tylenol and opening it. "I should sleep before I **** myself up too bad." She whispers to herself as she grabs four pills and puts two into her mouth, swallowing them down with water that she had on her night stand. Repeating her actions with the next two pills.

   She puts on the song Happy Little Pill by Troy Sivan and falls back into her pillow, closing her eyes as her medium length blond hair spreads out across the soft, silk pillow case. The poor, thin girl covers her body with her black comforter and buries her face into the covers.

   As she waits for sleep to overtake her, she imagines being in a lovely field full of flowers and soft grass. She pictures herself laying on her back, looking up at the cloudless sky and at that last thought, she falls into a deep slumber.
Sean Dunne Feb 2017
please dont ask me if i miss it when you know that i do,
please dont ask me how it felt to sit in the passenger seat of your car every day for four months straight.
because i will tell you.
how it felt like yellow lights in a dimly lit café on monday nights,
like ***** snow underneath your tires,
like a resurrection of fresh air after feeling trapped since september.
every now and then i come back to this.
now that it's february and i cant remember what your house smelt like.
i often wonder what your parents think happened to me. and your sister.
i've started to wonder if i would have gone to her wedding with you.
i hope she's happy, and i hope you are too.
don't get me wrong, i needed you to leave i know i did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you did much for me although i know you did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you were ever part of me although i know you were.
now that it's the end of february the weather has started to become lighter and i keep finding myself rolling the window down, making the music louder and wanting to sing, wanting to smile, wanting to feel what it's like to be euphoric again and i just, can't.
not right now.
i don't know if a year later can be considered "too soon" but i do know
that i hate you, and the way you made the snow feel like you so now i dont even feel at home when i look out my bedroom window.
i hate you, and the way you made the car feel like our safe space so now i don't feel safe when i'm driving with my mother.
i hate you, and the way you made me think that you would stay,
the way you made me feel like you were going to be a part of my family
the way you threw me away as if it was easy for you.
i hate you for everything that reminds me of you like guitars and troye sivan and sleepovers and driving down the ******* highway and being someone that cares about you so much i'd miss saying goodbye to my dad to spend another night with you.
so don't,
do not
ask me if i miss it
when you think you know that i do.
because i don't miss any of it.
not anymore.
i finally finished this poem i wrote for you. did you ever finish that song you were writing for me?
Anais Vionet Sep 28
Here’s to scrumptious nights.
cats and boots and cats and boots
We went clubbing last night, to recalibrate
ourselves on the dance floor, where magic happens.
cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots
To focus on sensory experiences, the beat,
and share in the fun and tangible sense of freedom.
cats and boots and cats and boots
Feel the wave, show your energy, be the wave
cats and boots and cats and boots
be disheveled, swing your hair like a weapon
abandon, silly, self-protecting vanities
cats and boots and cats and boots
flashing lights on dancing figures
make it all seem slo-mo and extreme.
cats and boots and cats and boots
It’s been too long since we’ve done it like this.
Work-worn, I’d lost my lucidity and stumbled badly on a quiz.
Lisa pushed my books onto the floor, declaring, “Get UP, we’re grabbing some bliss.”
cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots
failure has a reality, a gravity and pull all the more shocking in relief.
I’d started out the evening gloomy and ashamed - a figure of regret -
but I’m better now, buoyed and recharged and soon I’ll have a plan - hopefully.
cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots
There was a guy there, on the dance floor, who looked like a young Leonardo DiCaprio.
We made eye contact, nodding and smiling at each other in motion.
We gyrated, together, sort of, for a second, in our separate orbits - no conversation
I just watched him for a moment or two, sexualizing him like eye candy.
Just seeing him was sensual fun and I wondered what he smelled like.
He had a gritty, sweaty, idealized beauty, like a dancing ‘David’
that no Michelangelo could ever capture in stiff granite sculpture.
The music ended - momentarily - we knew it would start up again
and we were there for it - til 1 or 2 am anyway - then it recranked.
cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and..
Lisa grabbed my hand, jerking me onto the dance floor almost
before I could set down my drink. Eeek! “Slow Down!” I yelled,
but my complaint was lost in the din and my involuntary laugh.
cats and boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and..
.
.
Songs for this:
Dance To This (feat. Ariana Grande) by Troye Sivan
Good Time Girl (feat. Charlie Barker) by Sofi Tukker
BLT Merriam Webster word of the day challenge 09/27/24:
Lucid = clear and easy to understand

cats and boots and = say it over and over to feel the beat
DElizabeth Sep 2023
SIDE A:

"boys of faith"                       : zach bryan, bon iver
"sun to me"                            : zach bryan
"ceilings"                                : lizzy mcalpine
"till forever falls apart"        : ashe, finneas
"september"                          : james arthur
"the good side"                    : troye sivan
"before you go"                    : lewis capaldi
"wish you the best"             : lewis capaldi
"those eyes"                          : new west
"next to you"                        : new west
"past lives"                           : borns

SIDE B:

"out of the woods"               : taylor swift
"the 1"                                    : taylor swift
"cardigan"                             : taylor swift
"right where you left me"   : taylor swift
"maroon"                              : taylor swift
"blue"                                    : ed sheeran
"page"                                   : ed sheeran
השואה גוססת...the Sho'ah is dying

©  STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
30 Sivan 5778 / 13 June 2018
revised:
1 Tammuz 5758 / 14 June 2018
2 Tammuz 5778 / 15 June 2018
3 Tammuz 5778 / 16 June 2018

I.

and cantillated poetry -- memory being
automatic editing -- may not be enough.

what was not a reality
may never be a reality,
may never be a memory. soon,
survivors will be silent, and
the concierge of film and tape
and books will whisper
in library corridors.

the villanellesque windows of
constantly chanting 'disaster' and
'master' are shattering,
an amphigouri of shadows and
mirrors...

II.

I stand on the balconies of quantum
strings: Auschwitz made my
forebears more Yehu'dit than Moshe.

No one
bears witness for the
witness.
-- Paul Celan, 1971. Speech-grille
& selected poems [trans. Joachim
Neugrosche] (E.P. Dutton), 1-255 (241)

the horizon is grey, in
Poland 2018, the ash still creating
a haze, specks on the leaves,
the shoulders, the watch face on
my wrist having no hands...

III.

how is the memory of a paternal
relative kept 'alive'? she remains like
a flickering match growing fainter
in what will be a night of
receding possibilities,
shadows be-ing alongside
my own. I have one colour 1941
photograph of her.  like salt held
on the tongue
she is carried in my mind.

she would not, a decade later in
Rosemead, speak of the
Kingdom of Night.

one of the fading blue
numbers stamped (not tattoed)
on her left forearm in 1942 was
a four.

she would stare intently into
my eyes, turn her arm over,
the four becoming a chair...
it was Garcia Lorca in 1928 who said
'verde que te quiera verde'...

she loved green, even the green stained
gargoyles she was painting in Paris...
on a sidewalk caught up in a christianist
SS roundup 16 July 1942, the Rafle du
Velodrome d'Hiver, her painting
fingers crushed. soon she was on a
rattling box car in August 1942, sent
to the East...

she was gone in 2006...but her dreams
are still in me...

IV.

teaches Reb Ya'akov Glatshteyn...

Like a tiny candle over each grave,
a cry will burn,
each one for itself.
'I am I' --
thousands of slaughtered I's
will cry in the night:
'I am dead, unrecognized'.
-- Ya'akov Glatshteyn / Yankev Glatshteyn
/ Jacob Glatstein, 1987. 'I have never
been here before', p. 111 in: Ya'akov
Glatshteyn, 1987. Selected poems
of Yankev Glatshteyn [ed./trans. R.J. Fein]
(Jewish Publication Society), 1-215
[Yiddish & English]

V.

let us compell trolls among us
to remember that, at its peak,
their grandparents' vaticanist
Auschwitz was burning 12,000
of us every 24 hours...

when it was happening
sound still reaches us in 2018.

and yet.

when it was happening,
few were listening, but now it is
bashert / inevitable my soul
hears nothing else.

the 'orderly' minds of the
trolls among us are well-tended
cemeteries without
gravestones.

the fire escapes are covered
with psilocybin spores.

long after midnight, when the
darkened carnival is awake,
there are survivors at the
seder table awaiting the
Missing One return with Her
Sefer haZohar, pick up the
empty cup.

the underside of every leaf
is fear, shadows gathering
at the foot of our beds,
transforming gristle into haze,
made real by Hebrew letters
and syllables.

TO BE CONTINUED

'When I am in the darkness,
why do you intrude?'
-- Shabtai Zisel / 'Bob Dylan', 1978

*****



STEPHAN PICKERING / חפץ ח"ם בן אברהם
Torah אלילה Yehu'di Apikores / Philologia Kabbalistica Speculativa Researcher
לחיות זמן רב ולשגשג...לעולם לא עוד
THE KABBALAH FRACTALS PROJECT

IN PROGRESS: Shabtai Zisel benAvraham v'Rachel Riva:
davening in the musematic dark
Xoaquín Oznian Jan 2019
[Better Now (Troye Sivan Spotify Singles Cover) is playing in the background]

I envy how you are able to move on so quickly
usually I am able to do the same thing
but there was something in the way we connected
the emotion ran so deep
it took over the two of us
so hot, so heavy, so fast
you and I both know **** well
that we never wanted this to end
but deep down inside we both knew
that this would crash and burn as fast as it started
wherever you are
do you ever think of me when you touch yourself?
do you ever miss your body being on top of mine?
do you feel me when you're ******* him?
my heart wants to know
my soul needs to know
Juliana Oct 2019
Static.
Wind blowing.
Lines passing
and passing
and passing.

Freedom.

He turns on the radio.
David Allen Coe.
The perfect country song.
The new country is ****
he says.

We get him a Taylor Swift
album for his birthday.
He laughs, but I love it.
She's fun, she's happy.

And then it starts.
First with Taylor.
Then the Jonas Brothers,
And One Direction.

And then, it's my turn.
Troye Sivan, R5,
James Arthur.

The radio is no longer
Filled with comfort.
Cardi B, Sia,
Endless DJs,
and names yet to
Be heard from again.

Some, yes,
I come to like eventually,
But most,
Foreign noise in a
formally safe atmosphere.

No longer is the wind
messing up my hair.
Now the windows
are barricaded,
Refusing to let the
melody be silenced.

But every so often.
I will go back into that safe place,
Into a different chair,
The windows down,
Music so loud that
I can't even hear him singing,
And I will sing along too,
To the perfect country song.
Vitis Lio Apr 2014
I have this fascination
With your names
The way they sound
In my head and the
Way they form on
My lips and the way
They look on the page
And the way they look
On the screen, I find
A curious pleasure
In seeing your names
Written down next
To mine, said adjoining
Mine, a GefenElianaBinyaminSivanBoazRachelle
Thing. Or a GefenSivanRachelleBoazBinyaminEliana
Or GefenBoazSivanElianaRachelleBinyamin
Or a... I will never
Be satisfied, and always
Fight myself internally
For which name goes
Where, I feel guilty
Almost, about those placed most
Far away
All your names
Strike the same
Spark in my brain when I see them
My eyes shift
To them almost
Automatically, let us
Just be a
                        Rachelle Boaz
                    Eliana Gefen Sivan
                             Binyamin
Thing.
For The Herd. I love you all.

The title came to me later. I don't think it's a very good poem, but it's what I feel.

— The End —