I have pleaded for a very long time with you and myself for a solution to the doubts and suspicions you had. I would take them away from you in a heart beat if i could, and that is why i spent 9 months swallowing my dignity and taking hits from your anger, because i understood it came from a genuine place of frustration.
"If you lied because we were in a bad place then you would have no reason to be honest since then."
This statement really confused me because the place we were in that caused me to lie, looking back, would not have caused you to break up with me had i been up front with you before confirming to go on a very random lunch. In my head when justifying myself, we were in a comparably bad place for a meaningless lunch to occupy your mind (and i now know this alone should have caused me to never go from the start, and that i do not have to feel obligated to be nice to people that mean little to nothing to me), because it was not important to focus on while we worked on us. I understand lying was the worst thing to do, but it was because i did not want a distraction from working towards a happy future together. You were all i had. It is not worth the unnecessary pain i put you through, and even if you are ever able to see the truth i will forever know i did this to you because of my poor judgement. I am sorry for this and will be for the rest of my life.
The bad place we are in now is different, with us being in this place because of my poorly decided decision to lie for the better good of what i thought would help us focus. To continue any lie since i told you everything would not help to sustain a real relationship, which is what we are now fighting for now. I am not concealing anything anymore because this is more serious of an issue, which is why it has been 9 months as opposed to the week it usually takes us to sort out things. I lied when i did not think it was meaningful enough to worry about, and with someone i have held so dear to me i cannot afford to not be honest ever again.
I hate addressing details because i have said this all before and it doesn't seem to help, but i want to speak on the discharge. Ever since you have known me i have had discharge and always wore a liner, and i'm sure this is something you have always known unless i dabble with thongs for you. Even my mother is aware of this, and if were sharing everything i have been to doctors for this, but i was told it is normal for my body if it is a daily thing that doesnt change. Just like my period, it is abnormally normal. I had never been sexually active before you, and liners were already a normal daily occurrence for me. Not to give too much detail because i was always insecure about the amount i have had daily since i began my period in middle school, but i change my liner (which i constantly have in my backpack) almost every 4 hours or so.
Normal girls don't usually have a problem with discharge whether they are *****, exercising, or just existing, liners are meant to be used solely towards the end of periods. Changing often throughout my day is a schedule i have had in my mind for years prior to working out, and with working out came more frequency to change it.
I went to lunch after morning zumba and a psych class, and i left in so much of a rush to see you after i finished my meal i was not as **** i as usually am about that kind of hygiene. I was also still wearing my gym clothes that day because we did not sweat as much as usual, which meant it was one of few days i did not shower after zumba. Combine all this with me in a horrible and guilt inducing panic, and you have me with nasty stuff i try so hard to hide from you on a normal day basis. I have no control of my body, and i understand that normally discharge means something ******, but my body has never been strictly like that. No matter what causes the discharge, it will look the same if it has been there for awhile (aka since the morning due to zumba). Been there implies both still inside me and on the liner itself (i know its tmi but it is important you understand, it exits my body when i go to the bathroom or simply just exist throughout the day, or quite possibly when i am ***** to make room for new discharge. These are all reasons as to why i wear liner constantly. That is probably why it was there, given i got very ***** when we were in your room so it got rid of things from my workout that morning. I have had this body and problem since i was 12, so i really hope you see that i mean it when i say this was most definitely the reason for what you thought was new). If we are sexually active and i do not handle it in the bathroom promptly after, it will be the same consistency later on. I know that sounds like a long winded explanation, but that honestly is the reason for any discharge ever for me, and i really don't have anything to lose if you knowing details like this could show you the truth.
The extent of my discharge is frustrating to me to hold as a reason that i have wronged you, because it is absolutely not due to me doing anything ****** with another person, let alone not from even being *****. This again comes to knowing me as a person. When you first saw me naked and wanted to eat me out, and im sure for awhile after that, i was always particularly dry down there because of me over cleaning what i have always struggled with. I am very self conscious about this and i hope i made sense explaining this, given the only person who knows close to as much about this is my mother, so i have never had to truly explain it before. I believe going back to day one of knowing me should help piece together what i have been trying to tell you for so long.
As for my *****-ness, this was the first and only time i had lied to you, and i was so ashamed for such a stupid lie i was very excited and appreciative to hug and kiss you, feel your embrace and have you call me yours. I felt so unbelievably bad even though i did nothing, and could not have been happier to see you, especially due to the fact you were upset with me the night before (it could have been a couple due to the weekend, its hard to remember now but i do know we talked in a car and it ended badly before i had to leave) and having you upset at me for just about anything makes me so sorry and miss you so much.
I am and have always been ***** for just you, and i feel i have been more comfortable to express that this last year than others, as i have become more comfortable speaking intimately like that with you.
My judgement was wrong when i sided with zeze, but we were both deceived, as well as literally all of my other friends, just so he could get in her pants. I mean this when i say it was everyone, amar, saba, ayah, reema, me, zeze, reem. Everyone repeated that he was such a great person and zeze had nothing to worry about. It seemed so ridiculous that we could all be that stupid, and i hate that us "knowing" him from high school gave him some sort of advantage. It wasn't a lack of desire to cut him off, just us giving people the benefit of the doubt that did not deserve it, because we thought we knew the person he was. With all this said, i could not be more sorry for not seeing your intuition for what i now know is the truth, and i have said this before. I am sorry, you were 100% right and i am ashamed for not believing you.
I love your mother dearly,
but i was not exploring my options.
I knew the ******* and everyone else in my friend group since high school, and i never wanted to pursue them and therefore never have.
I knew you for two days and fell in love with you.
You are my everything, and you became that the first time we sat in the ugl together and you completely boggled my brain. You bring me things i did not know i could obtain from another person, and even with you thinking the worst of me my love has never wavered.
I know this is a lot, but I write this because no matter how angry i am to think you could see me wanting to do something with anyone else but you, i love you more than i see myself ever loving anyone. Please don't make me convince you anymore that i love you enough to never want/have wanted anything or anyone else in my life, because that has been the hardest part. I have been with you through your worst times, and when i lied we had finally gotten through so much of it. I'm so sorry.
I will never forgive myself for believing that any lie, even if it was small and meaningless in my mind, would be okay and cause for a better focus and future. I was not in the right head space at that point in time, where it was the beginning of isolation from my friends. I also had moved back home after leaving for the first time, and because of this, also isolated by my family that has still been going on till this day. I should have known better than to even plant a seed of doubt in someone who was my rock and my everything. I am so sorry for thinking that any lie is okay, no matter how harmless i think it is. I knew this prior to lying, and it was just a bad and panicked judgment call that should not have happened. This was a panic that existed solely because you were all i had left in my life that i cherished more than anything, and did not want to give anyone or anything a reason to take you away. Even with you struggling with yourself at the time, i honestly believe you would not have been as angry with me as i thought you would be. There was no reason to believe you wouldn't have understood the awkward position i was in, and i really ****** up for choosing to lie to spare you from being uncomfortable. Granted, you probably would have given me the amazing advice to simply not feel obligated to have lunch with someone i didn't know too well anymore just to be nice, and none of this would have happened. I know that now and i really hope my mistake wont ultimately rip away the most valuable person i have for reasons far worse than what actually happened.
If thats not karma, i dont know what is.
To a certain extent i deserve what i got to show me no lie is an okay one, but i refuse to lose you over something that i did not do. It took a lot for me to own up to such a big mistake, and i feel my courage was depreciated because of the what if's it created. I do not blame you for having them, but after so long i just wish you could see how they are not plausible.
Please imagine yourself in my shoes, and how frustrating it is to be so stubbornly accused of something you did not do for so long.
I had no reason to seek other people, i was finally happy to see you having the mental energy to start to rebuild yourself into the beautiful person i have always seen you to be.
I really want to forgive you, but i genuinely cannot while knowing that you believe i am capable of cheating. I also cannot see how you can say you forgive me when you still doubt my truth. I do not understand what exactly you forgive if you still do not believe me. It makes all my efforts to keep such a beautiful soul in my life for nothing if you do not see my truth for what it is. I spent so much of my being to help you realize i am being truthful, and to lose you after so many months of commitment breaks me. I feel as though maybe your mind is stubbornly using these false accusations as an excuse to move on without guilt for other reasons, or just using my existence as a way to remove all your life frustrations without fully realizing it. I mean it to the very bottom of my core when i say i have never strayed from the desire of you and just you. I would not plea for months to a person and put them through all this, or myself frankly, if i was not being completely honest in what i'm fighting for. I chose you bean, and after being **** on for something i did not do i was still willing to chose you.
I was undoubtedly convinced that this year was certainly going to show you how ridiculous the accusations were and your worth to me, and end with you finally giving me at least the beginning pieces of trust i have fought so hard to regain. Maybe i now must realize i am simply not enough. I did more than i thought was humanly possible to fight for someone. I hope this moved you in some way, because it is the last ounce of energy i have in my body to give away. This has ****** me up for so long, please believe me in everything i have told you. You are not a fool, and it would mean the world to not be thrown away for false accusations. For everything i have done for you, please do me this kindness and remember me for who you know me to be. And please mean it fully and truly if you ever decide to do so.
I love you so much Thomas.
It has been about a week later, and instead of sending a text i have written a million times and have battled myself against sending, i am choosing to write this here. It has taken a lot of patience to let you check discord on your own time and to have you not prioritize this hurts more than anything else that has ever happened between us. If you have moved on and have done things with others, i must know and you must be vocal and communicate, because i am in such an extremely low place right now that i have never been before and need to hear it from you before it spirals me to a place i cannot come up from. The hope of getting you back and having you reach out destroys me with everyday that goes by with nothing but silence. Let me know if my hope should even continue, and if you still desire me in your life (even if still just in the near future and not right now). You will never understand your significance to me, so please. just please. I am in so much pain thomas, there isnt anything i would appreciate more than this. thank you.
