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The Jolteon Nov 2019
I know those reefs go real deep
Real cliche like a bad metaphor in Hawaii
Let it all bleed all over me
Thoughts like blood that won't crust
Just breath and believe?
Seems nice and easy
Simple pleasures for simple people
No, let's make this real confusing instead
Thoughts of death, even on paradise island
"Paradise" say that to the broken and exploited
Paradise at the expense of everyone else
Happy ******* birthday
**** everything and run
Fear the best thing I've ever done
When do you stop running?
When your ankle gives?
Or the bottle
**** it like a baby and cry when it's gone
What makes it feel better
Hearing trauma ****
Yes, please, please more
Tell me how **** up you are
I'm intimately interested
I don't care how strong you are
Let me see your guts bleed from your lips
Makes me feel a little more human
I guess it's a little too humid
Everyone on this island a little too
And it's little too
The worst things
The ones that **** me
Are what really can bring me back
So choke me out
Throw me on my back
But no head after that
Just punches to it
Just frontin too
I'm soft as ****
And you can't handle it
Either can I
You like music
But didn't want to know how I make it
Well guess what
Not much to do with you naked
I eat lunch off thoughts
And throw up the rest
The best sleep I get
Is with a numbed out head
Then it's finally lights out
Alcoholics like it better with nights out
Nights in
Party alone and **** alone and be alone
I'd much rather prefer
Don't really care
About your needs wants or desires
If I can just light my own fire
I don't care to make amends
I'd rather make end plans
Jump off the ship
And cook in the fire
Let it burn all night
Until I choke
The Jolteon Nov 2019
My heart is aching and breaking
Twisting and shaking
I feel it pulsing
Like the ground is quaking
I'll rip out my eyes
So that I can't see
I'll cut off my fingers
So that I can't feel
I'll blow out my ears
So that I can't hear
I'll cut out my tongue
So that there's no taste
The only thing I'm left with
Is an abandoned state
Hopeless and helpless
I sit here and wait
The pain of my mind
Jailbird and bait
The Jolteon Aug 2019
My #1 dropped off
Was getting too topped off
Running around my house
Until my face fell off

My #2 became 1
Burning like the sun
Killing all my thoughts
But still wanting to run

My #3 took its place
The city by the Bay
I live and die for the people
SFC no other equal

My #4 moved away
She hated the ******* Yay
I still love her to this day
But it’s better off this way

My #5 fell from the sky
An angel in disguise
She’s my ******* Queen
#1 one day she’ll be
Alcohol, ****, San Francisco, my X, my new love. What’s important?
The Jolteon Aug 2019
I ******* feel everything
Numbed out thoughts
Thrown into the fire
Coming out reborn
Saying no to escapes
Saying yes to embrace
All these feelings
Ive been running from for so long

Tears running down my face
I invite them in
Fill this empty void
With a clear lake a mile wide
I’ve been plunging in
Not afraid of drowning
Because I’m learning to swim
Teaching myself how to live
The Jolteon Jul 2019
Wake up feeling like ****
One last thing I can do
Take a hit
At least open it
At least feel into it
The loneliness of the dark
Don't become hardened
I promise you a way out
Stop hating the people you love
Start loving the people you hate
To be ok with your face
Be ok with your every day
These lonely lonely days
Every step that I take
Is a deep breath
A conscious step to keep moving on
The Jolteon Jul 2019
Part of me died that day
Picking up the pieces
Still in braces
Without any embraces
The people we love
Torturing our brains and
The thing we love
Is never escaping
Lately I’m just coping
While others move on
I’m still sitting here hoping
Still sitting here shaking
Everyone has moved
And on and on
The list never improves
I ***** and moan
We can only do it for ourselves
You know they say
In order to move on
I’m just asking for support
I’m just asking for the door
No one to open it
Just how to get there
I’m blinded in the dark
The Jolteon Jun 2019
Giving a ****
Why I ditched that ****
Sat making me sick
Liquor spilled real thick
It's so easy to quit
To not give a ****
To see your life split
Warring within
My days are still spent
Wishing I was dead
Except sober instead
Still stuck in bed
Still cycles in my head
I can't catch a breath
I meditate to rest
Still heavy in my chest
I have been taking the last year and a half to dedicate to trying to be a better person to myself, treat myself with respect, and find the ability to have real love for myself. But it is really difficult work. And I hoped that just stopping abusing alcohol would magically cure everything. It didn't. But I have moments of clarity where I am thankful to myself for going down this path and keeping on it. It's actually the opposite of the easy way out - it's hard work getting to know yourself (again, or for the first time) and it takes a lot of courage and bravery to really face yourself as you really are.
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