Thank you for the memories,
The unexpected, sudden hits of nostalgia
Taking me back to carefree days
Of playing football after a summer rainstorm,
Of laughing in woodwork class,
Of my grandmother's awesome cakes.

Like time travel on the cheap,
You weather away the years,
And the strata of cynicism and regret,
Momentarily eroding my reality,
Revealing the manchild at my core,
Allowing him the briefest chance to once again explore.

But these are unpredictable reveries,
Three dimensional snatches of memories.
It's time they developed some kind of smell recorder,
Just like sights and sounds can be held for posterity.
But such technology would not compare to my physiological wonder;
Magically transforming scent into vivid memories.

I must look like a train-wreck to everyone at this party. Emaciated-chic melting into the couch with shaky hands and sweaty palms has never looked good on anyone. I can’t tell if the bass pounding from the stereo has seeped through my skin or if my heart has turned into a battering ram, using all of its power to break through my sternum. You think I would have learned after all these years-- benzos and ***** are never a good combination. But I still have at least fifty bucks to make at this party off of over-privileged, toxin-craving youth. Besides, it’s a bearable feeling, and I can just sleep it off on the couch here tonight.
       I survey the room, attempting to remember where the stairs to the basement were located. After forcing my drooping eyelids to stay open, I watch a parade of lax bros make their way up the stairs and into the kitchen. They are a mess of scrawny limbs floating in pinnies and their air-filled heads are capped off with snapbacks. Their smugness is laughable and mostly, if not entirely, induced by massive amounts of *******. Please. The only reason people show up to this dump is because of the free ***** and the always-entertaining fight that is guaranteed to happen by the end of the party. Even then, the crowd is mostly freshmen, and they just don’t know any better.
       A booming yooooo crashes down the staircase and stumbles towards me. I refrain from rolling my eyes.
       “Hey, you!” I have no idea who this is.
       “Whatchyew got tonight?” asks the greasy manchild with a few scraggly hairs bursting out of his chin.
       “Depends on what you’re looking for,” I respond, wishing I had worn something other than an oversized sweater and leggings. You shouldn’t hide everything in your cleavage.
       “How much you want for the zannies?”
       Hoping to never see this scumbag again, I figure it wouldn’t hurt to scare him off by jumping the price to seven bucks a bar. But before I can even grab the plastic bag out of my bra, I’m momentarily blinded by piercing red and blue LEDs out the window.
       “Aw, shiiiit,” he says as he races toward the back door.
       I struggle out of the crevice in the couch and calmly follow the manchild, pushing my way through the crowd by the door. My car is waiting patiently for me in the cul de sac, and once I get past the herd of screaming freshmen, I’ll be in the clear. Anyone will move if you start throwing elbows directly into their ribs. It’s a nice party trick to use when the cops show up.
       I’m able to make it onto the back porch, but I can’t seem to find the strength that is located in my legs. My strong limbs have been replaced by jellyfish tentacles. I grab onto the railing of the steps, but I learn quickly that it’s not going to help. I trip over my feet, the stairs, the air, everything, until I am able to lean heavily on the driver’s side of my car.
       The booming yooooo reappears.
       ******* it. I can’t deal with this kid right now.
       “I just gotta text that the cops are on their way back here. Better get out.”
       ****. I face the car and begin to fumble with my keys. While I attempt to find the one that will open this machine, I listen to the wail of sirens a few streets down. I finally retrieve it, but I realize by the time I start the car and head towards home, the cops will be here, and I can’t ruin my spotless record. The knee-high hedges lining the circle would never be able to completely cover me, and every other house on this street looks unfamiliar. I press a small, blue button and hear a pop in the back. Normally at this time, my common sense would **** in and tell me that the trunk of a car isn’t exactly a good place to hide, but I’m starting to feel the cold through the numbness. And the last thing I want to deal with is explaining to my parents how their angel has taken herself off of her meds to make some extra cash.  Better get comfortable, I guess.
       I lumber into the trunk, thankful that there are at least some blankets left over from the last time I went camping with my family. Breathing heavily, I pull the lid behind me. From here, several familiar voices grow frantic and demanding: Dump that **** now... Get rid of it... I don’t care how much you spent, I’m not getting caught with it... I roll gently onto my side, careful not to shake the car, only to rediscover the plastic bag filled with Xanax.
       I freeze when I hear cars pull up nearby. The crash of heavy metal doors boom through the hectic sounds of the people trying their hardest to get out of the way. I listen to the rough growl of a sturdy boot as it kicks aside pieces of broken glass and plastic cups.
       “You think that after the fourth time we’ve busted this house, they would get the hint,” says a stern officer. I imagine him as they type with a faded buzz cut, bulging muscles, and aviator sunglasses even though it’s well past midnight.
       “Well, kids will be kids,” says a more seasoned member of the law. He sounds like my grandfather and has probably seen more terrifying images than an underage girl in skimpy clothing puking in a nearby flowerbed. It seems as though the stern officer is herding the party-goers towards the back of the patrol car.
       “That’s no excuse,” says Stern Cop.
       “So you’re telling me that you never went to a party or had a beer before you turned 21?”
       “Well, that’s different. I was in control.”
       Hearing your rights sounds much less dramatic in real life than it does on TV. For these underage drinkers, it’s a sped-up process that is muffled by their own sobs. The metallic clink of handcuffs echoes through the air and immediately hushes everyone. Soft Cop chuckles and gently closes the door, attempting not to startle the shaken-up criminals.
       I am finally able to exhale as a car drives away, but I don’t feel as if I’ve gotten away with anything. I shift onto my back and look up at the roof of the trunk, illuminated by the blue-green light of my cell phone. Glancing down at the screen, I see the time: 1:47 a.m. I’m going to have to venture out into the world eventually.
       As I gather my strength and roll towards the trunk release, I feel my keys in my pocket along with a tiny click. Immediately, my car begins to scream. I scramble for my keys, hoping that no one is here to witness the embarrassing mess I’ve made of myself. Once I finally get the car to calm down, I hear an intoxicating mix of chuckles and mild profanities strung together. It’s Soft Cop. He knows.
       “Is everything alright in there?” asks Soft Cop as he knocks on the trunk.
       What am I supposed to say? Yeah, everything’s fine. Just chillin’ out here. No worries.
       “Uh... yes, sir. Just give me a moment.”
       I unlock the trunk and start push it upwards, but Soft Cop has managed to get to it first. He is a tall, thick man with a glorious salt-and-pepper colored mustache. His soft eyes look tired like a basset hound’s. I see his name-tag–– G. Lewis. He looks like a Gary.
       “Didjya get a little stuck?” he asks.
       “Yeah.” I smile and try not to let my nervous laugh creep through.
       Gary looks around the cul de sac and back into the trunk, reaching his chubby fingers towards me. As he helps me out, I notice that he’s a lot stronger than he looks.
       “Sorry for breaking up the party tonight. Have fun?” he asks, tilting his head towards me, eyes curious and comforting.
       “For a little. I didn’t get to stay very long.”
       He nods his head towards my car. “If you don’t mind me asking,” he chuckles, “how’d you wind up in there?”
“I guess I just got scared. I didn’t want to get in trouble for being here.”
       Gary finds this amusing and swears that by now, every other cop has left the area. He explains that he’s been left to make sure nothing starts back up. He shoves his hands in his pockets and kicks around an empty Miller Lite can.
       “Listen, I can tell you’ve been drinking.” His voice has changed. I know this tone. This is the tone of Your Mother and I both love you very much, and we’re not mad. We’re just disappointed. He looks me straight in the eyes, concern written all over his face. “Correct?”
       There’s no point lying to him, but who wants to be the one throw themselves under the bus? I’m trying to put the words together, but all I can manage is incoherent babbling.
       “Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble,” he insists. “I just don’t want you driving away in this state. You seemed to have a hard time finding the steering wheel.” A smirk emerges on his face, eventually growing in size to a radiating smile. He’s proud of that one.
       “Yeah, I guess I could take a nap in the backseat.”
       “How about I just drop you off at your house. You can pick up your car in the morning. Sound like a plan?”
       “Yes, sir.”
       We look at each other for a second. No thank you is needed. No more words are necessary. I relax my shoulders and look up at the clear sky. I feel the wind blow, and I don’t seem to mind the biting December wind.
       “Didn’t bring a coat?” asks Gary.
       “Didn’t match my outfit.”
       “You sound just like my granddaughter.” He laughs. “You even have the same blonde hair and big green eyes. It’s uncanny.”
       He then stops and looks down on the ground, eyes growing wide and serious. I know what he’s looking at. I was hoping he wouldn’t see my stash that is now laying on the street: eight white pills in a plastic sandwich bag, sweaty from making a quick escape from under my sweater.
       Gary sighs and lets his lips purse, still looking at the bag. The salt-and-pepper mustache takes over his mouth. He gathers his hands on his hips, shoulders hunching forward. He stays like this as I avoid the opportunity to make eye contact. After drawing some air into his lungs, he finally has the courage to look up with sullen and wet eyes.
       “Well,” he says as he regains his composure. He kicks the bag into a nearby storm grate. “Let’s get you home.”

The Sphynx is drowsy,
Her wings are furled,
Her ear is heavy,
She broods on the world.?
"Who'll tell me my secret
The ages have kept?
? I awaited the seer,
While they slumbered and slept;?

The fate of the manchild,
The meaning of man;
Known fruit of the unknown,
Dædalian plan;
Out of sleeping a waking,
Out of waking a sleep,
Life death overtaking,
Deep underneath deep.

***** as a sunbeam
Upspringeth the palm;
The elephant browses
Undaunted and calm;
In beautiful motion
The thrush plies his wings;
Kind leaves of his covert!
Your silence he sings.

The waves unashamed
In difference sweet,
Play glad with the breezes,
Old playfellows meet.
The journeying atoms,
Primordial wholes,
Firmly draw, firmly drive,
By their animate poles.

Sea, earth, air, sound, silence,
Plant, quadruped, bird,
By one music enchanted,
One deity stirred,
Each the other adorning,
Accompany still;
Night veileth the morning,
The vapor the hill.

The babe by its mother
Lies bathed in joy,
Glide its hours uncounted,
The sun is its toy;
Shines the peace of all being
Without cloud in its eyes,
And the sum of the world
In soft miniature lies.

But man crouches and blushes,
Absconds and conceals,
He creepeth and peepeth,
He palters and steals;
Infirm, melancholy,
Jealous glancing around,
An oaf, an accomplice,
He poisons the ground.

Out spoke the great mother
Beholding his fear,
At the sound of her accents
Cold shuddered the sphere;?
Who has drugged my boy's cup,
Who has mixed my boy's bread?
Who with sadness and madness
Has turned the manchild's head?"?

I heard a poet answer
Aloud and cheerfully,
"Say on, sweet Sphynx! thy dirges
Are pleasant songs to me.
Deep love lieth under
These pictures of time,
They fade in the light of
Their meaning sublime.

The fiend that man harries,
Is love of the Best;
Yawns the Pit of the Dragon
Lit by rays from the Blest.
The Lethe of Nature
Can't trance him again,
Whose soul sees the Perfect,
Which his eyes seek in vain.

Profounder, profounder,
Man's spirit must dive;
To his aye-rolling orbit
No goal will arrive.
The heavens that draw him
With sweetness untold,
Once found, ?for new heavens
He spurneth the old.

Pride ruined the angels,
Their shame them restores,
And the joy that is sweetest
Lurks in stings of remorse.
Have I a lover
Who is noble and free,?
I would he were nobler
Than to love me.

Eterne alternation
Now follows, now flies,
And under pain, pleasure,
Under pleasure, pain lies.
Love works at the centre,
Heart-heaving alway;
Forth speed the strong pulses
To the borders of day.

Dull Sphynx, Jove keep thy five wits!
Thy sight is growing blear,
Rue, myrrh, and ****** for the Sphynx,
Her muddy eyes to clear."
The old Sphynx bit her thick lip,?
"Who taught thee me to name?
I am thy spirit, yoke-fellow!
Of thine eye I am eyebeam.

Thou art the unanswered question;
Couldst see thy proper eye,
Alway it asketh, asketh,
And each answer is a lie.
So take thy quest through nature,
It through thousand natures ply,
Ask on, thou clothed eternity,?
Time is the false reply."

Uprose the merry Sphynx,
And crouched no more in stone,
She melted into purple cloud,
She silvered in the moon,
She spired into a yellow flame,
She flowered in blossoms red,
She flowed into a foaming wave,
She stood Monadnoc's head.

Thorough a thousand voices
Spoke the universal dame,
"Who telleth one of my meanings,
Is master of all I am."

Within your watchcare hands
I become an embodiment
Influenced  by your example
And I am finalized
By all who pass my way

There'll be a crowd encircling you, I'm sure.
They'll nod at your every word, imperfectly mimicking
what people look like when they actually listen.
I'm sure the crowd will be people we know.
Old high school friends with real estate ventures
and gyms and multi-level marketing schemes.
Most of them will be doughier, their cheeks permanently
stained red from a decade of drinking.
Most of them will have photos of their kids on their phones,
and they'll tell you they're "sure you don't want to see them"
as they pull out their phones and show you photos of their kids.

I imagine I'll approach, stop just short of the circle, pretend to bid on an Alaskan cruise.

As you talk about redoing your floor in a faux tile that looks just like the real thing for like half the price, you'll see me.

I hope you'll think of that kiss five years ago, outside of a bar in Norman, when the world entire bent for us, when all traffic silenced for us, when all people vanished for us.

Maybe you'll think of the time we ****** in a twin-sized bed, beside a wall decorated with newspaper clippings, which I thought made me look worldly and learned. I admit now the look was less academic, more serial killer.

And maybe you'll think of the manchild fit I threw when I found out you had moved on after I moved away.

And maybe you'll be totally present. Good to see you, you'll say. You will ask about my family. We will discuss the cooler weather. We will talk about your business, your kids. We will side hug and say goodbye. We will take the same route to the same exit. There will be children coloring the sidewalk with chalk. We'll each borrow a piece. I'll outline you; you'll outline me.

Smug love
Malevolence and misery
I will follow you anywhere
But not there
That path is yours

It’s the end of business as usual
The Lord will strike the nations soon

Multitudes in the valley of decision
And many will die
If you know the Lord Jesus
You know why

These are the judgements just before
The great and terrible Day of the Lord

Isaiah 17 soon to be fulfilled
Lord God Almighty will strike the nations
He doesn’t care about your vacation

Seek Him now why you still can
Yeshua of Nazareth
Is the world’s redeemer and that perfectly righteous God man

Normalcy bias is prevalent everywhere
Many don’t pay attention
Or even care..

It’s the end of seventieth year since Israel became a nation
Yes, we are that fig tree generation
Multitudes of lukewarm in America and across the world
Some think they can decide if they are a boy or a girl..

Manchild of God will soon be caught away
That is what will happen on that great and terrible day
For the faithful bride of Christ are not appointed to wrath
You won’t like life under antichrist Obama
It will be a blood bath

Black eyed Francis putting together his one world religion
But he speaks filthy lies
It was his decision
To become the false prophet of history

Joel 3:18 mentions that the foundations of the earth do shake
Revelation 6:12 mentions this great quake
The sun will be black
Moon as blood red
The earth will be strewn about with the lost dead

Seeing it is a righteous thing with God to recompense tribulation
To them that trouble you;
And to you who are troubled rest with us..... (II Thessalonians 2:6-8)
Pack your bags and don’t miss the bus

The spiritual 144,000 of Israel
Those first fruits of the barley harvest
Will be taken to a place of safety soon
We will return to spread the gospel of Lord Jesus Christ by June

Or around that time
The summer being the time of Shavuot
Leviticus 23 is a parallel and we can see
That the bride of Christ Jesus has reached a critical time in history

It begins with “when he came into the land”
An allusion to that place of safety the Lord has prepared
For the bride, a place for us to hide,
For we are the eternal enemies of the dragon and the dark side
Read Revelation 12 if you want to know what will occur soon

Signs in the heavens last few years
And seven consecutive blood moons
Showing perfect symmetry
The Lord has placed them as signals
So you can see
That Jesus is the eternal God of history

5 g networks sprouting up across the globe
And instantaneous connectivity
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be

Great deception is coming soon
On the day of the blood red moon
Joel 3:21 says the Lord will punish the host
Of high ones that are on high
Nephilim will come with their ships
Out of the sky
Yes they have the ability to take on the form of human beings
But things are not what they seem
Do not be fooled
They are not the creators of man
But they will be spewing this nonsense
That is their wicked plan

Out of their ships come multicolored lights
The lost are drawn like moths
What a terrible sight
And they will return with the mark of the beast as well
A sure ticket to hell

It’s all about control
Satan wants your soul
In this prison planet
Jesus Christ of Nazareth is the only way
Repent of your sins and turn to him today

The mark of the beast will corrupt human DNA
Introducing genetic material of the fallen ones
Across the nation
You won’t here this on your local station

FEMA camps are good to go
Marshall Law will soon be here in America
Don’t you know?
First it will start with civil war
And who are you fighting for?
Come off the fence
Call on Lord Jesus while you can
He is the all powerful God man
Who paid the price for your sins on the tree at Calgary

There is no political solution
To a spiritual problem

Trump is the spiritual forerunner of the one to come
And I guarantee you he’s not a lot of fun
Noahide laws will be in place across the globe soon

Trump will divide Israel
And the Lord will divide the USA
This land and other nations
Have a price to pay
For their wickedness and sin
“Timber” says the Lord Jesus
America is a tree that rots from  within

And you know the worldwide economy
Is a house of cards
A final collapse to the American dollar soon to come
The FED will print and print
Inflation is not fun....

You won’t want to be here for great tribulation
At the midpoint, the antichrist sets up the abomination of desolation
It’s the image of the beast
That will be in the Temple of God
Literal and physical too
Don’t bow down to the image
Really not good for you...
For out of its mouth comes a laser beam

The nations were crying “peace and safety” in February 2019
But things are not what they seem
Tensions with Israel and Iran’s proxies running high
Now rockets fired at Aleppo soar through the sky
Damascus will be a ruinous heap
Do you know about the Lord and the promises He keeps?
He is the Word of God Faithful and True
And he shed His perfect blood for you

Repent and turn to Him today
And join the army of the Lord is what I say

Ezekiel 38:18,19 and Ezekiel 39:6-8
Tell the story of the Lord striking Russia, Turkey, and Iran
These and other nations that come against Israel
Will be destroyed by God
It is his plan
The Day of the Lord will begin
On that day

Warning, warning....
This is a short time away

He'll destroy you.
Take everything good about you
And rip it down into a skeleton.

I hope you realize
He'll take everything you're confident about
And burn it to the ground.
I hope you realize
He'll use you
As a coping skill.

I hope you realize
He'll move on from you
Rather quickly
Once it's over.

Because it will be over
Rather quickly.
Because men like him
Don't actually want
Things that last,
No,
They want their ego stroked
And the moment you tell them
They're wrong
The monster returns again.

"I haven't been this angry since I was eighteen."
*******.

You just can't stand
Being told you're wrong
Being told you're hurtful
Being told you're not perfect.

He'll hurt you,
And then you'll be left broken-feeling.

But darling you won't be,
You won't be broken.
Men like him
Don't have the power to break you.

Be ready and be prepared.
He cannot break you.

You might be blissful now.
But know that he'll subconsciously try to destroy you.

Keep an ear out
It'll hurt,
But you're strong enough.
I have faith
You'll be okay.

He'll rip you apart,
But you can find those pieces
And put them back better than before.

He's not worth your time,
But maybe you're like how I was.
Foolish, naive, hopeful,
And a little too kind.

You are young,
So it does happen.

Good luck to you,
Child.
Good luck.

You will need it,
For the road you have chosen
Is a road that leads to your own pain.

I am sending you
Prayers.

You will need them.

Also don't flinch.
It only makes him worse.

When he calls again,
Do Not pick up the phone,
do not wonder about lips that judge
ignorant of the fines he owes.

When he calls again,
Do Not throw the phone,
you have ran as far as runaway thoughts,
a shattered screen won't carry you further.

When he calls again,
Do Not scream at the ringtone,
the cacophony of broken sounds
will not chip away at the memory of his sins.

When he calls again,
when he begs for forgiveness,
DO (Not) tell this manchild that
to forgive is mercy,  
and only God grants mercy.

Itch those *****, player
Itch them red raw
Bleeding?, who cares!
Embrace your oozy pores
Itchy itchy morning rise
Scratchy scratchy nights
Give me a show I'd like to forget
Make me close up tight
Itch those *****, giant manchild
Itch them to completion
Whatever you got to do, do
During itchy and scratchy season

every night, the klaxon
wailed, like a hound lost in the fog

Mum and I would be sitting down
to dinner when the beast began bellowing

she would quip, them Gerrys want me
on thin rations, and to the cellar we scuttled

Mum would bring a votive candle, a pale of water;
I would grab Tag, our shivering terrier

in our tiny circle of timid light, we would wait and wonder,
how far were they? what would the next sun reveal?

on All Saints Eve, the house shuddered; the dust
from its two centuries drifted down on us like fine rain

then all was still, until we fell asleep--maybe she was
dreaming of Father, and what field now held him

I was not--sleep had taken me but a moment before
our tired beams moaned and gave way

Tag was then barking through his tremors, and she lay
still in the rubble, her eyes slit open

though only enough to see I was there to bury
her, in green pasture

far from this gloom, her quivering pet  
and orphaned manchild

So...

Amongst the immersion of the externally influential
Big bright screens letting me play hero, or watch others create unreal stories
Clutter building as the forms get done forgettably, the washing gets washed, the bills get paid
I take a moment to self indulge, just a little more in this first world bohemia

But.. how do you make tangible a feeling from a song? A memory of a smile? A dream of a success you haven't constructed..

Keep chipping away the boss says
Keep your head up the friend says
Keep in contact my mother says
I do, but forgive me for feeling fraudulent spending so much time and money on mindless self indulgence.

It's the ones who do what they aren't told who create their own destinies the old ones say
It's the ones who refrain from giving their identity to icons of fame I find myself feeling, a certain hypocrisy found in my dreams of great cultural figures giving my success a piggyback
It's the one who swim among the people in natural confidence that gather gratification in bohemia and ***
And it's the ones who set up barriers through the anxiety built from our own cages, that get left behind.
At least, that's what they say, without saying anything..
I'm trying to prove them wrong, I want to say.

I'm trying to create a world that feels pure, and other times feel fraudulent
I'm trying to create people that represent something other than my misshapen perceptions of social conduct
But I'm also wasting away in front of the screen, the digital *****, and that shames me in my useless solitude
And I'm also losing ups to downs, lost in the past, lost in loss

But.
I know the baseline, the cracked open truth and the value of a smile
I know the beautiful siren call from finely picked singers whose fruit tastes better
I know the man who stands naked leaving the shower, features defined and eyes determined to become more empowered

Piece by piece, question by question I'm on my way
I hope anyway... it's very easily to lose this up to a down, to lose direction to a shattering of self
But as I draw out the baseline with more clear features, shading defining a face and words defining principles
The wild clusterfuck of falling down becomes an abstract with a tangible definable outline
The overall structure of where I'm going put together on paper and trusted digital files
So... I feel a little bit more control

Forgive me though reader, brief friend who allows me openness among strangers
If I fear that I could grow stale and fat as a manchild with too many toys
Or crash through paper floors into an old skin that burns so easily
And forgive me once more for allowing myself just a moment
To step away from this hilariously comfortable life I clatter all ****** up through

So I can have a beer, a cigarette, or a cup of tea
Sit amongst peers, incense or nature
And smile to the fact that I might be doing this right for once

Once when I was a manchild
a blind broken piece of finework
cut from the loom
and thinking myself whole
and the gleam of light in a dim world
I ventured forth in my majestic ignorance
and was upset
when the unfinished piece I was
unravelled at the first stress
and into a  hospital bed
where tender mercies made me whole
and ready for Monday

we started school during
the Korean "police action"
like extra syllables made
murderous mayhem more
palatable than calling it
another dreadful WAR,
half a decade after we won
the last one

those of us who survived yet another
crazy Asian WAR are now fading fast

I take in news of our passing
with my morning coffee, reading
the obits like they were the sports
scores

and every one I see whose numbers
are smaller than mine remind me I
am playing Russian roulette with the clock,
every hour

were it within my power,
I'd spin those hands backwards
to a day before cybertime

when Donny, Johnny and I went
to the park to toss a hardball into
well pocketed gloves, and discovered
the delights of peanut butter and
marshmallow cream sandwiches

back, back to a day Ike was pres,
and I would watch The Twilight Zone
with religious fidelity--back, to a time
so ancient Maris had not yet slammed in
number 61, chipping away
at the Babe's immortality

some told us the end was near,
and death by fierce fire was a reasonable fear
long before the missiles of October
and JFK's intrepid blockade

but the mushroom clouds never did appear,
and here I am with Medicare card in hand,
living in the same land where men with funny
hair make ominous "tweets"

and Manchild dictators with tiny peckers
lob missiles into the sea

wishing Clark Kent were still around
ready to don his cape and take a leap
and a bound, and save us
from ourselves

but first he would have to find a phone booth
in which to change...

You see me buy Ultraman toys,
You see an immature manchild.
You don't see me yearning for a hero,
For a world where justice triumphs.

You see me buy imported Aussie foods,
You see an unpatriotic, wasteful elitist.
You don't see me desperately trying,
To stay connected with a cherished past.

You see me buy desserts and snacks,
You see someone ignorant of health.
You don't see me having already lost
The ability to find sweetness in life.

You see me purchase and consume,
You see someone unwise and rash.
Alright, I will give you that, my being irrational.
But did you see, the ever-growing
Maddening, never satisfied, void of darkness
Consuming my spirit and sanity?

If only... I can literally...
Shop til I drop dead......

I wrote poetry all across her belly
listened to her heart beat to my words
climbed inside of her to see her empty womb
and imagined I was her child.

Are Ghosts Real?
Can you tell me please,
I’ve heard different opinions.
I Just wish I’d thought about it sooner because
There’s something in my skull and
It’s like acid.

The memory of One
Floating from room to room
And Me entirely unaware of it
Thinking that the noise it makes is
Just a process.
it’s a banshee really,
Screaming at Me silently, asking ‘can’t you fix this?’
Warning Me about what’s coming, too,
And I Just assume it wants attention,
so I, The Great and Powerful, so Grand and Special,
Deign to give attention on occasion, magnanimously.
The Glorious I,
the minimised it.
Just, Just, Just.


How bumbling, fumbling, dumb.

Hollow, too. I swear if you tap me you’ll hear my ribs jangle.

Mute also, unless it’s unimportant.

Who’s the Real Ghost, then?


So now a little bit of it has lodged in my own dripping brain
Repeating itself slowly and inexorably:
‘Remember this? Wasn’t that great? Never again, hahaha!’
Like a bad nursery rhyme for the manchild.
And whether or not I can do anything about it is immaterial
Because it has to happen.
Slowly. Inexorably.

———

I’m already reliving memories of my future:

Can you feel it, me? That’s your bones rusting.
Your jaw clenching permanently.
Your brow furrowing and never relaxing.
A tension that’ll eventually make you want to Just-
Not a concern. You’ll never do it, you wouldn’t dare.
So you squeeze tighter and tighter and tighter,
Your ears burst, your eyes fill up with fluid,
And your tongue swells out of your mouth.

Eventually, while the pluviophile finds comfort in rain,
you keel over a rainbow.
Standing next to your quivering, confused corpse will be the Tin Man saying: “Dude, I totally relate”;
The Lion saying “what a *****”;
The Scarecrow trying to parody you, but he seems the same as before;
Toto licking your stone face trying to revive you;
Dorothy’s long gone, though. She had help;
The Witch of the West delighting in your unsexy self-deprecation;
The cast dancing around you, holding hands, singing.
You Just muttering to yourself about rain and if onlys.

And before you blame circumstance,
You will be reminded that it was all preventable:
There was an old dented oilcan, with “EFFORT and CONSIDERATION” printed on it,
Floating along right beside you.

— — —

Back to Now, for a minute.
The past is your present, yours alone, and could have been your future.
Instead you sit on the same bench
(only in your mind though, you’d never actually go back to the crime scene)
where you thought you had finally found tenderness
And the people go past, not staring,
And you realise that no,
Tenderness with a capital C found you, put up with you briefly, then said:
“well, **** that”.