Throwback to the days
When love was all that we needed
When we barely even studied
But we always succeeded
When tests were a breeze
And homework was breezier
When we had social lives
And everything is easier
Nobody told me
Of the hardships underneath
Of life's hard tests
And life's sharp teeth
Nobody told me
Of the terrors, so small
But they feel so heavy
And they make you fall
Throwback to the days
When we hadn't a care
Throwback to the smiles
And the wind in our hair
Throwback, throwback
For we can't turn around
Throwback to the days
When we were *safe and sound

The candy-cane stripes mingle freely among the
Saffron-clothed C moon and fourteen-handed star.
They swim navy-like in the blue.

The reds and whites alternate
Till the states are properly represented.
They ask of nothing more, nothing more.

What does it hold? What does it teach us?
The wild history of it roars and thunders
Like a hurricane that never stops.

But it did. How did we overthrow
Something so mighty, so white
As an unstoppable hurricane?

And the purpose of it all? Freedom.
Freedom and independence. Two righteous
Morals so hard to obtain.

At what cost did we attain them?
Bloodshed, shrieks, lies, torment and tears.
It was all worth it, love, all of it.

When Jack finally crawled down the beanstalk,
We never flew higher, braver or breezier
With such dignity and unfaltering spirit.

We have come so far to this place, this place
Where hatred shreds to little warm hearts and people
Are just people no matter how colourful they are.

We’re a rare hybrid of ethics: the sarong-laden man milking the rubber tree
Is no different than the blackened faces down in the tin mines
And the ones that hand-built the train tracks, woody and sturdy.

Seven chants of it that fateful afternoon
And we cried knowing, knowing we have made it.
Toiled sweat never tasted sweeter. Merdeka!

Most of us laughed and rejoiced.
Some were heard wailing and flying off to where
They rightfully belong. We don’t want you here. We never did.

The dove’s free now,
Free of thick metal bars
That caged it for centuries and

It flies now, wings spread into
A feathery horizon, windily flapping back and forth
Into a new world, a new promise called Malaysia.

Shalini Nayar
© 2002

Unsettled fingertips tap the counter and
I clench my fists
Unclench
Clench
Unclench
Clench
I live inside Salem,
A body of mystery and fear
Torn between truth and myth,
The void exactly where you wanted me

"Are we going to fix it?"
We don't talk about it
"Is it going to work?"
We don't talk about it
"I love you"
We don't ******* talk about it

5 years is an eternity for girls living apart
Separate states and contrastive attitudes
Regarding colorful race and travelling the world
I wanted adventure and you wanted safe

I think about you when I row the river,
I think about you when I paint the landscapes and
I think about you when I'm drinking
A wrecked, terse woman wasting in oblivion

You injected distrust in each of my veins,
slowly seeping throughout my body,
Creating a coma of emotional insecurity
year
after
year

And I believed you this time
I believed you last time and
the time after that but
I will not believe you the next time

I sat on the curb at 3am and discussed
endless options of our future
I didn't need to prove myself further,
Since I've already done the hard part,
Driving 5 hours in the middle of the night,
in secret to see you, darling

"Are you coming?"
"I'm coming"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure"
Do you promise?"
"I promise"

I did the hard part and it was your turn
Your turn to prove that you meant it,
that you wanted it to work

The sun was pouring that day,
When you cried and choked on the words,
"I like a boy,"
Words that weren't so foreign
but that were piercing to my heart

"It's okay," I said
"I still love you," I said
A beautiful mountain girl surrounded
by bigotry and hate in a state full
of so much beauty

Acidic tendencies in the middle of the night,
I washed my hair with your ******* forgery,
My eyes poured for days, unceasing
Unrelenting
Ultraviolence on repeat because
Lana can make it beautiful

A heartbreak so heartbreaking
and I loved you
I loved you more than the pale moonlit mountains
and the Ferris Wheel skidding the clouds and
I loved you more than jars full of sand and
Midnight fireflies and cool, sophic fire scented air
I loved you more than loose t-shirts on lazy days
and I ******* loved you

"I love you more than this mixtape,"
with the memories of swaying palms and
gravitating tide pulls and a simple sentence of
"You look so familiar."

I wish I had never seen you
Blonde hair, windy
Blue eyes, angry
I wish I had never glanced toward the deck 5 years ago
on the shore where all things seemed beautiful

Because All Things Seem Beautiful
at first, before the crash of thunder and
Before paradise lost its way home

"It's not goodbye," you said
"It's see you later," you said
And I wish it was the former and never the latter
Because this road was lost many years ago when
Empty promises promised to exist

You've broken my heart and
I
Loved
It
because with you, dark nights
seem a little breezier and howling coyotes
drown out country ambitions because
with you, with all of you,
it's too safe
Too ******* safe

I loved you the first time,
and I loved you the last time
I need my trust back and I can't be waiting
for you to make up your mind on your *******
domesticated relationships because you feel
better hiding than being passionate

Hiding behind your masculine partner,
A partner so very vague and so very safe,
when you didn't take the chance that I did
A chance that would have worked, for as long
as things really work
I would've tried for you

I need to trust again
I need believe when others say that they're coming
I need this distrust to deteriorate because
I can't do days of stomach aches and
gipping anxiety anymore
I need to trust and to love because
I know that I'm good at it,
but you've taken my ability to love
and flushed it like cold coffee

This is okay
I am okay
Because each day that I go from you,
the happier I feel and the freer I feel
I'm a kite that catches the wind at ungodly times
of night and a gemstone that scratches too easily
when promised a warranty

Goodbye to you, beautiful mountain girl
I'm saying what I need for me and never for you
because I loved you in past tense and the present
is so forbidden

Goodluck with your normalcy,
while you lick your lips with Jesus
and while I light a cigarette so sweet and pure
Goodbye, beautiful mountain girl
Goodbye

A blanket of warmth and close stitch
caress my skin comforting me
Heavy eyes symbolizing
peaceful nights
my worries shrink to childish thought
and laughter
I am pulled into a dream
in which you've brought to me
where the nightmares of today's
strife can not enter nor taint
and I am on the brink of a trance-like
sleep where I am aware
yet trusting held tightly in your hands
you keep me on the breezier side of cares
your love a dancing flame creating a cozy room
your smell intoxicates while locked in a sweet
embrace consumed by your aura
and baby blue's
you whisper so softly tales of forever
and the belief follows every utter
of the tune
I continue holding you as the tears roll down
and I wish I could capture them
for they were pure
full of truth and happiness
Once so jaded this feeling belated
but its finally arrived and it seems right on time
saving me from the terrors of love once known
I could see myself in you forever
balancing eachother as a whole
we fit as tho we were made for the other
and I am beginning to believe this is true
Sean Mathew Eckert I ode to you
and I will shout it from the rooftops
so all shall know

i want to hold your hand through all the season changes; autumn to summer, making chains out of daises and i want you to know that love is probably my biggest fear
but you make me love with open arms
and as deep as outstretched oceans, grabbing hold of you with both palms and as violently as nuclear bomb explosions
i'll keep that fruitful heart of yours safe within my clutch because i know that mine is safe with you and your gentle benevolent touch

you make me remember why life is a joy rather than a burden and when my life draws its final curtains,
your face is the last i want to see
and i'm certain one day it'll all get a lot easier, the sky will be bluer and the breeze will be breezier,
and i'm certain until then we'll guide each other through because there's no one i'd rather be in life's ruthless grasp with than you

they say death is the only constant, i disagree

death is no match for you and me

to make you feel stronger
lighter
breezier
easier
secure
to hold you when I need to be held too
to laugh at every punchline
to stop crying when I tell you I’m crying and you say oh no that’s not good
I can’t promise
I won’t let the lions and tigers and bears rip out a few pieces of my heart
that I won’t rip out a few pieces of yours
that I will care
that planes and trains and buses and boats won’t tempt me
& I can’t promise
I’ll ever learn to sleep properly
for longer than a week
that I won’t light myself on fire with curiosity
that I can always be pretty
thin
magnetic
inspiring
that I know how to take care of myself all of the time
that I will stay
that’s the big one
that I will stay
I can’t promise
that I won’t leave you

Sick to my stomach
doesn’t it ever
fall into
place? This mad dash
race.
This human face
staring back at me,
tracking me like
I’m supposed to be
someplace,
meant to keep some
pace.
But I don’t even
want to go outside.
So I just hide disgrace
behind a mass of
failure.
And tailor my existence
so to wait for later.
And maybe
if I keep it all on
paper,
someday,  
some way
it’ll mean more than
labor.
I’m savoring the moment
the best I know how,
what I can allow,
and it’s turning me
into an old
man.
I ran into the world
like a coward
to find myself alone
and underpowered.
I showered myself
with the gifts
of my work.
Now I’ve got nothing left
but a false smirk
on my breath-
looking at this world,
afraid there’s nothing left.
And on and on
the ants keep up
the nest.
When will they stop and see?
When will we set ourselves free?
When can I just be me?

It doesn’t matter.
It’s hopeless.
All this empty patter
in tatters
when it’s lost in time.
This paradigm’s
got us locked
in a system that
uses.
Wears it all down,
bruises and
the abuse has
got us all thinking
this is the best of it.
And one man
can’t outwit
the masses,
because what passes
for moral
ends up in a quarrel
we can’t break out of.
Because we’re too tough.
Because we’re too rough.
All this pride’s
got us blinded.
And behind it all
is a fear of being
forgotten.
Of being nothing.
Our legacy’s rotten.
The timeline is
******, gushing
but fill another
dot in
‘cause the war ain’t over.
We ain’t done
giving each other
the cold shoulder.
And we’re getting older
but the fight’s still young.
Our enemies hung
but still nothing’s
Changing.
The same chess board
just rearranging
the pieces.
And the creases
in my face are
getting deeper,
and I see my child’s eyes
reflecting the face of the
grim reaper.

I wish you could see it.
This path, we could leave it.
‘Cause the answer’s
within.
Let’s dive on in
to our options,
‘cause the masses
just keep gawking
at the sky
like an answer’s
gonna fly
out of the clouds
singing so loud,
but God ain’t been talking.
And I haven’t seen
a miracle either,
so we’ve been
putting our faith
into a beaker,
letting the public speaker
tell us what’s real
and how to feel
‘cause it’s so much
easier.
A breezier road to walk
when you don’t gotta talk
to the fella your dad hated.
Staying sedated,
watching TV and
wondering if this was all
created.
That’s not the point.
We’ve gotta disjoint
from this follower logic.
Giving all our power
to the demagogic
and those who seek profit.
It’s better than nothing,
but we’ve got to come
off it.

Peace is a choice,
so if you’ve got a voice-
Let’s hear it.

I breathe a little easier when I leave you behind,
The weight on my shoulders, the plague in my mind
It gets a little breezier the moment I find
Glimmers of clarity and from you I unbind
You keep me too busy with heartache and crimes
Too stressed to reflect
Too tense too unwind
Too afraid to connect
Too timid, too blind
My colours were once vibrant, my spirit divine
My laughs would echo with a joy that was mine
But baby I met you and what’s mine became yours
You’re a storm that raged in, after softly knocking on my door
I thought I could do this, but you always wanted more
I thought I’d get through this, but you had more in store
I thought it could happen to be loved and still be free
I didn’t imagine you’d have this much power over me
To lift me or crush me, to slow me or rush me
To beat me down and then touch me…
In that tender way
That way that left my life astray
The way that makes me forget what happened yesterday
When you held me so tightly, I thought I would die
When you drank from my kindness until the well ran dry
When you decided to destroy my trust and wouldn’t say why
I’ve gone into hiding but I cannot run away
You keep me craving and my heart it obeys
When my spirit is naked in my moments alone
I see how much of me because of you is gone
But then you’re suddenly all around me
And my layers they’re back on
The ones I created to pretend I’m still strong
The ones I concocted to convince myself I wasn’t wrong
To fall in love with someone who never loved me for who I am
But rather who loved me because you saw my flaws
My sense of insecurity, what I wrongly believed I was worth
An intrinsic vulnerability that I’ve been unable to unbirth
A sense of isolation as old as my first breath on earth
My weakness, my pain,
My scars, my wars,
Oh baby they were my painful siren call
You flocked towards me and didn’t hesitate at all
To conquer, to change, to break me with words,
To take until I lost what it was that made me my own
The me I had painstakingly put together and that through tragedy I’d grown
The sense of hope I nurtured in the pitch black dark
The belief in a tomorrow that I hid in my heart
A craving for humanity when the demons left their mark
In my head, whispered in my ears,
When I lay in bed, wondering if the end is near
Oh how you shone so brilliantly when you first held my hand
Oh how you eased my fright before I began to understand
Your intentions for me, your determination for my essence to posses
To force me to submit, to break me down, forcing me to confess,
To use my past against me and to keep me a mess,
But today you’re far and I can breathe my truth
Fearing the day I’ll return once more to you
It’s impossible to escape you, of that you made sure
You soiled my love, made our connection impure
I see it so clearly when there’s oceans between us,
But when I look in your eyes, it’ll take over — my weakness
So I’ll live today and I’ll dream tonight
Of a fearless tomorrow, of my individuality alight
I’ll pray for help, for strength, for what’s right
I’ll pray for serenity, for grace, for might
And for that day to come, which in the absence of you,
I once again become glorious and I shine bright
Oh, baby, I’ll shine bright, I’ll shine bright.

Inkling, not a pact
Searching for once upon a time
Visits of the luck of another, a breezier fact
Has come home to roost, with a tear, trying

Birds of common ecstasy, the truth to overwhelm
A soul with provision, the tact a child makes
When pennies come up short, for a rain and hand so little
Known for the scope of anger we display, is this idea, sakes...

Life to love, a churched feeling
Society at large, with a handsomer gesture
Told to limits we few, in the light of sacredness, sometimes reeling
With a torrid sense of what is askew, to astute curiosity's

Life in a hug, that shewed the obvious
Where salt is to excuse the don't before isn't, the tomorrow
Of a collapsing trait of dismay, long before days keep and 'us'
As if a lowly eye had the moments to tell, a challenge is to borrow?

Can't, the powers that be swear a tolling bell to seem to be, pain
Wanting a shadow to remember itself, won't a harrowing rename
Found, the stir of simplicity in a callous sake, welling to begin plain
The total of pride in a secluded secret of virginity's live, and let fame...

The littlest reply to an age old question...
Said for a capable mind, rest and recuperation with a friend
Is ours to typify, a stare of heed and perplexment, at a kissing
Bandit, that stole your heart for your today of vice's, again...