"autophobia" poems
Before you dream of me tonight
you must first know,
I lost myself.
When I get close to someone,
I lose them.
Which is why I don’t get attached,
anymore.
I’ve learned not to love,
never attach
not even to myself.
In case I unknowingly decide to leave,
too.
Mother never told me
Every person, every item
Every friendship, all the promised words and pinky promises,
are gone.
Mother never told me
If you try to call the dead,
the phone won’t ring;.
They’re gone, and they’re never coming back.
So I’ve learned not to love,
never attach.
They all seem to leave
anyway.
There are plenty of things mother
never told me about, and
these unfamiliar obstacles seem to
pop out at me,
when I least expect it.
Mother never told me how love isn’t always enough
to keep a relationship.
I’m not sure if I want to grow up any more.
I miss the crazed emotions I often felt as I kid.
When I fell asleep on the couch,
but woke up in my bed.
When I didn’t care about what I was wearing.
When my biggest fear was the dark.
I want to be afraid of the monsters hiding under my bed,
not in my head.
Can I be afraid of bugs and cuts?
Not heartbreak.
Not death.
Not growing up.
What’s the point in being afraid,
when every fear we have,
becomes a part of us.
Always remember to
Not be afraid
anymore, your fears are a part of you;
a part of you
that you’ve yet to discover.
Mar 19, 2014
Mar 19, 2014 at 10:49 AM UTC
What is he?
Fear...yes, definitely fear
Not just the weak and wobbly anxiety that feasts on the insides
But the kind that stands up and paints a bright
Confidence over it, masking the emptiness
The kind that fills him over others
There are many fears
Athazagoraphobia
Autophobia
Separation anxiety
It's just who he is
Sep 12, 2014
Sep 12, 2014 at 3:05 AM UTC
as I lie awake beside you,
and you allow sleep to qualm your stresses from the day,
I'm suddenly very aware of the pillow underneath my head
and note how it feels nothing like my head on your chest.
I do not mind the firmness of your muscles,
or the heartbeat that echoes beneath my ear.
your warmth does what this overpriced spaceheater never could,
but still I keep my distance.
fear of getting too close almost rivals claustrophobia, in a sense.
I long to overcome the worries of having nowhere to go but your arms,
but I fear everything may crumble should I try to overcome it.
I do not want to push.
the walls are closing in on you,
and you insist I stay away.
I would take the risks and hold you closer
but I fear my arms would be too reminiscent of the world swallowing you.
i do not want to panic.
I do not want you to push back.
so I keep my distance.
so I lie awake beside you,
cursing my pillow for not feeling like your chest.
I worry the space between us under covers is not enough,
and if the couch is a better home for my worry.
you deserve the bed to yourself tonight.
though this room is vast and I cannot fight the chill this space heater can never seem to pummel,
I know I should not get too close.
while my fear is being alone,
that is what you long to be.
Apr 12, 2018
Apr 12, 2018 at 2:04 AM UTC
I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you
Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
To wash away my insecurities but I know you'll give them back to me
I don't know what you want from me but I just want your company
Find what you're looking for and take it all from me
Walk in my shoes for a day I have nothing more to take
Come on just give me a break if not for me for goodness sake
While you're pushing me away remember what I say
You might think you'd be happy but I know that you'll be sorry
So take your time but don't be long give me a feeling that I belong
I know everything about this is wrong but I'm just not very strong
Aug 21, 2019
Aug 21, 2019 at 8:47 AM UTC
will you be with me
when the sun rises?
will you be the sun?
Jun 26, 2017
Jun 26, 2017 at 6:18 PM UTC
People are dropping dead.
People are dropping dead,
Not many in my town
But in big cities,
They are dying en masse
And the silence is scaring me.
Yet again.
Yet again,
I can hear my own blood
Gushing through my ears,
Silly me, I am scared,
More for my loved ones,
And less for myself.
Will we?
Will we all die soon?
Or shall I survive this?
I hope that if my loved ones die,
I do too.
Because I'm afraid of loneliness,
I have a serious kind of autophobia.
Nay!
Humanity can't go extinct!
Humanity won't go extinct.
It will soon be alright.
Just wait and watch,
How Vishnu takes care of us,
How Shiva takes out the evil,
How the world will turn for good.
Jun 26, 2020
Jun 26, 2020 at 2:58 AM UTC
To fear the unknown,
A gentle soul, engulfed in the flames of its own insecurities,
All alone, it craves a delicate touch, a sign, or just a simple smile,
Weakened by the taste of isolation, prohibited from ever reaching the truth, one may become bitter, or filled with unending hate for others.
Why were they allowed the gift, to roam free, to experience love,
Scattered alike moonlight, are the thoughts of such damaged mind,
Nethertheless this dismay shall take over, until nothing remains,
And so, this soul is burnt by its own heart, slowly withering away in the never ending stream of time, softly, gently giving up all hope,
Until that fateful day may come, and another caring soul rescues it,
But, for now, as all sound and colours fade into angst and despair,
It shall rest, in the confinement of the abyss.
Continuously wondering, when the day may come,
Wondering if it will ever feel again.
~ Umi
Sep 19, 2020
Sep 19, 2020 at 12:58 PM UTC
do not
leave me alone here
no matter how much
i tell you to go
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 8:05 PM UTC