I dreamed about you for what
May have been the first time.
You were explaining something
To me, preparing to leave.
I held you close against me,
And we played footsie.

I wrote a song and a poem.
I told my brother Jordan
That it was unlike
Anything I've ever written.
How proud of it I was.

You hoped for a new life
Outside of Florida.
Now you have it.

I never wanted
You to leave.
I couldn't do anything  
To stop you, or
Persuade you to stay.

You said we should
Stay in touch
Through letters.
The birthday card
You sent me last year
Is in my drawer, still.

I was a companion,
And a lousy mate,
Not a boyfriend.
I could have been.

I could have
Taken that title.
We could have
Played the dating
Game together.
We could have
Risked losing.

I chose to wait for a
More ideal candidate.
She never arrived,
As far as I know.

We had a few
Heated arguments.
The last stemmed
From my ignorance
In an area I believed
I should have been
Knowledgeable in.

I have a tendency
To be an ignorant
Know it all,
To have difficulty
With simple things.

You wanted to
Meet my grandma,
and I was afraid that
It would not go well,
Mainly due to the
Color of your skin.

Your mother encouraged
Me to talk to her about it,
To divulge to her what
Your friendship meant to me.

I decided against it.
At least you briefly
Met my mother who
You thought was nice.

I was angry when
You broke undesirable
News to me, in spite of it,
I would have never
Abandoned our friendship.

Nearly two years later,
And I still have
To be informed,
It's been long overdue.
I know I've already
Said this before,
But I will be soon.

I don't know if you'll ever read this,
And I don't know if I'll ever see
Or hear from you again.

This is where I get pathetic.  I'm head over heels for you. I can't stop thinking about you. I haven't stopped since the first debate where I was laughing so hard and you were mad but I just wanted to impress you. I always have. Ever since then, everything I do I can't stop thinking about what'd you do or say or react. And I know, I know the truth and the reality and you're moving on with your life out of this ****** town and you're going to be someone amazing you really are. And it's sad because I wish I could have spent so much more time with you. And even though our friendship was short lived, you really have impacted my life for the better. I'm done telling myself I'm not good enough- that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough because the truth is I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be or try to be. I say stupid stuff and I make mistakes and I hurt people I love but here's the thing. There is so much grace in my heart that I could love everything in this world, even if I don't act like I do. I love the little things and I found that it's so much more important to enjoy the little things.  And I know you're moving away but you'll always impact my life. I'll never go back to things I did before, and I'll always work harder towards my dreams. But with everything I learned this year I also build up a self confidence that told me that I'm great and I deserve someone even better. Maybe at the end of the day I don't... But I'm so done hurting myself over people who don't even notice what I'm going through. I'm so strong. I don't understand why I get so upset or so attached but I do and it's terrible and I need to keep going. I'm pathetic but I can't lose you as a friend I really can't. When you say you're so busy or so tired it's so hard to believe because it looks like it's so easy to you to be happy or laughing with someone else. I wish I was your favorite girl. I wish my smile was your favorite smile, but unfortunately it's not. But that doesn't mean I'm not incredible because maybe one day this will all make sense to me. I know you probably never wanted to hurt me as much as I ended up being hurt, but I'm never going to be mad at you. I wasn't even mad at the talking **** thing I just wanted to put my foot down and show you I don't deal with that, but obviously it backfired. Thank you for helping me write my debate speeches, thank you for helping me with math, thank you. I couldn't help but falling in love with every single aspect of your nature. I couldn't help myself.

Please know I love you
For all that its worth
Had I the power
I'd slow down the Earth
Keep day from the night
Our lovers moon never setting
Knowing I can't is truly upsetting
You've a piece of my heart
I'll never get back
But the Earth is slipping from my grasp
I can't hold it back
I don't want this to end
Our love or this night
So every sunset
I'll hold back the Earth
And pray for endless night

You see
A person only truly falls in love
Once in their life time
And once that time is used up
There is no more.
You can lie to yourself
And to others
But if you were truly in love with them
That love cannot be undone.
I am in love.
A love that won't go away
With my best friend.
I fell off
The bridge of love
And into the waters
Where he followed
But his love came with strings attached
A bungee
And he jumped back up
And left me sitting there in the waters
While he's up on the bridge
Calling me up there
While I'm wishing him down here
And I have no bungee.

How do you fix someone that's too broken?
To save one who already died drowning
How do you retrieve what has been stolen?
To tell time of a clock that stopped counting


I wallowed in my insecurities
You tried your best to strip them all away
You said you'd hold me reassuringly
Didn't bother to listen to what you'd say

You took a step forward I took one back
You called out my name I did not reply
I work on my suitcase while you unpack
How do I tell you I just want goodbye ?


I fight these urges to look back at you
I'm leaving now, that's all there's left to do

They say we all die twice. The day we expire. And the day the last person who really knew us, says our name for the last time. Though I am but a single servant of fate in the most insignificant of ways, I strive to love what I can in this world of so few decent moments. I try to be true in the midst of our cosmic riptide that brought me to the edge of my own free breath. My time is but a instant. Here or there in this world of never ending time, I no longer believe in a linear existence. I am born and dead and young and old all within my own single space. Life is hard to comprehend when the squeeze of a trigger ends a life and even the truest form of love doesn't survive a fortnight. With this epiphany, I strive to only be a shadow because without acknowledgement of self, I neither live nor die. I am but spectral observer, budding anew at end of all things.