Cné
In my most desperate need
seek out a bush by a tree
rewarded with a rash on my rear end
relieving, with a squat, by poison ivy

No thank you, I will take a chance
in hopes of saving my ***
and hold it until I just can't
and avoiding a nasty rash
even if it means ....
I will possibly *** my pants

Temporal Fugue
*** the least of your worries
as your bladder will expand
making you make decisions
not all that good, or planned

So make your place
and keep your wits
bear, what you can stand
drop your drawers and hold your ****
and ***, as god, demands

hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take
a break
and take
a breath

digging holes
taking pills
sliding down
murderin'
fillin' hills
the chills
my thrills
no bills
countin' kills
ten fingers
smell lingers
hell bringers
not singers

give me that...
bring me there...

–

shovels
the troubles
my doubles
be bubbles
black moths
white veins
no money
hopping trains
you blame
the rain
for pain
insane
to think
a drink
of water
taught her
brought her
to the edge
nothing left
to take

so...

give me that...
underground....


hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take

a breath
ahhhhhhh

give me that...
bring me there...  

we're going underground
–

your games
my flames
the names
we tame
the light
breaks night
we slide
we hide
in
the
dark
so take
a breath

Underground...


hip-hop
split my mind open,
hear me flip-flop
happily irritated
watching your
constipated
face break
heavy tears
you shake
you ache
so take

take me
bake me
shake the dirt
from my bones
love's
no longer
got me
in a
choke hold
feeling bold
stories told
so grab
a hold
as we unfold

underground
no longer bound
by fear
my dear
the present is clear
growing and sprouting
underground

–

I am so tired
that I can’t sleep
I am so exhausted
that my eyes
wont stay closed

I am ridiculously sure
that I am not human
not to say
I know the mothership is coming
I don’t know that

Truthfully
I don’t know much of anything

I am a child
in an aging mans body
which
I am pretty sure
has a lesbian living
underneath its skin

which probably doesn’t make sense
to you when you hear me say it
but nothing inside my head
makes sense to me
so why should you
have the luxury to understand
anything I might say

but it is to say
I will never be a manly man
or see or understand
that way of thinking

that macho drink and ****
as much and as many
people as you can in life

dont get me wrong

I love everything there is to
love about women
which is just everything
their great

well...

most of them at least
or maybe just some of them
I mean that they are no different
in the way we are all the same
we are all
just people
some are great
and a treasure to have in our lives

and others...

not so much

and I have done more
than my fair share
of drinking

A lot more...
enough to never have
to drink again
but I probably will anyway
not so much now though

and, well... yea...
I've liked
the ******* parts too

most of the time

its just that I like

the love

part of *******
more than the
bim-bam-boom ahhhhhhh
I’m sooooo sorry part
that never but sometimes
and almost  always
happens part of *******

that awkward moment when
oh **** my ****
throw up on you moment
it always gets nervous
around pretty girls moment
that I don’t know what to say moment

that...

d’oh!... moment

but I do know
I’m not suppose to say
thank you...
moment

even though once you’ve gone
I will get down on my hands
and my knees
and thank every name
of every god I have ever heard of
for that painfully beautifully
awkward moment
I was lucky enough to spend with you

I guess I’m just a little too quite
a little too shy
a little too nice, maybe

a lot too sensitive

emotionally speaking

in that sense that everything hurts
and everything is beautiful
and the world is ****
but still there must be something
here worth living for

someone who will cringe
and roll there eyes
every time I write
and read another garbage poem to

someone who will love me regardless
no matter how bad things get
no matter how broken my heart is
no matter how horrible
I may look when I die

someone who I will love
as much as I loved
to hate everything about life

Oh, I hates it soooooo much

someone who made
every miserable moment here
worth  the madness of it all

MY HOOLIGAN IS READY TO BE LAID TO REST



YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU ONE DAY, THAT I USED TO FANTAISIZE ABOUT

TAKING A KID, BECAUSE, I LIKED THE LOOK OF THEIR MOO COWS ON FRONT KNEE

AND THE SHIPS ON THE BACK KNEE, AND I USED TO GO OUT AND GRAB THE KIDS

YA KNOW SCARING THEM, AT THE MALL, AND I CAME UP TO A FORT, IN LAKE GINNINDERRS

AND SCARED SOME KIDS INTO THINKING, I WAS GOING TO KIDNAP THEM, AND I WAS GOING TO THE

TOILET TO WAIT FOR A KID, AND I MIGHT HAVE ONCE BEEN KNOWN AS A PHEDAPHILE TO PEOPLE

BUT I AM REFORMED, NOW, YOU SEE, I USED TO FANTASIZE, ABOUT TYING THEIR MOO COW AND SHIPS

AND SQUASHING THEM TO THE GROUND, I WAS MENTAL, AND REALLY, I HATE THESE VOICES TRYING FOR

ME TO KEEP THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, I WAS A REAL MEAN DUDE, I WALKED AROUND SCARING KIDS,

MY ADULT DIDN’T WANT TO DO THIS, MY KID DIDN’T WANT TO EITHER, AND BECAUSE I COULDN’T HANDLE DAD’S

DISCIPLINE PATTERN, IT WASN’T HIS FAULT, BUT HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS, I HEARD THIS VOICE SAYING

DON’T EVEN TRY TO MESS WITH BIG BAD BRIAN, HE’S NOT LIKE US, NO WAY, NO FEAR, ONE KID, SAID I WAS ONE OF THEIR MOB

AND DAD THOUGHT I WAS NICE, CAUSE BACK THEN I WAS A COWARD, WHO NEEDED HELP TO GET WHAT I WANT IN LIFE,

YOU SEE I GRABBED THESE KIDS, BECAUSE, OF MY LAST TWO LIVES TRAGICALLY TAKEN AT AGE 8, AND THE KIDS

WHO KILLED MY LAST LIFE AFTER GREAME THORNE, WHICH WAS A CAT, WHERE I WAS RUN OVER BY A SCOOTER

I WAS GRABBING KIDS EVERYWHERE, I FELT A REAL BUZZ BY DOING THAT, YOU SEE I GOT AN ERECTED ****

FROM IT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THIS COULD EFFECT ME HELPING PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE, BUT AS I REMEMBER

WALKING AROUND THE TOILETS WITH ROPE AND GRABBING KIDS AND THIS MADE THEIR PARENTS MAD, I DIDN’T AND

STILL DON’T KNOW, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, IF I CARRIED OUT THIS FEAT, MATE, I WANT THIS, WHICH IS MY HOOLIGAN

TO BE LAID TO REST, IT IS WRONG TO DO THIS, I WASN’T GETTING WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE, SO I TOOK IT OUT ON THE KIDS

BY HASSLING THEM BY TYING UP THEIR MOO COWS WITH THEIR SHIPS, THEY SCREAMED SAYING AHHHHHHH!, THE CRAZY PERSON

HAS GOT ME, I SAID, YEAH, I AM A CRAZY PERSON, AND YOU ARE COMING WITH ME, SO COME HERE KID, AND WE WILL COOK

YOU ON THE STOVE, AND HAVE FRESH TASTY KID FOR DINNER, I WANT TO BE A KIDNAPPER, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS

AND EVERY TIME I SAW KIDS ANYWHERE, I WOULD CHASE THEM, YA KNOW FOLLOWING THEM AROUND, MAKING THEM JITTER

ONE KID SAID, TO ME, WHY THE **** ARE YOU FOLLOWING, AND I THINKING IF I LOOK CRAZY, I WILL LOOK LIKE I AM TRYING TO SCARE HIM

BUT REALLY I WAS PLAYING A SMALL GAME WITH THEM, TRYING TO GRAB THEIR MOO COW AND SHIPS, AND TIE THEM UP TOGETHER

AND I WAS HAVING A FIELD DAY, I AM COMMITTING NO CRIME, WELL, THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT THEN, DAD MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HEV WAS HELPING

BUT BY TRYING TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, MADE ME FEEL REALLY HYPED UP WITH GRABBING KIDS, I AM NOT BLAMING DAD, ACTUALLY, I AM BLAMING

NOBODY IN HINDSIGHT, IT WAS MY SILLY SCHITZOPHRENIC DELLUSIONS, THAT ARE THE REAL CULPRIT, YOU SEE, THINKING IT’S ALRIGHT TO GRAB OR

SCARE YOUNG CHILDREN, I FEEL MY HOOLIGAN, CREEPING BACK INTO MY BODY, BUT, HE WAS A DELLUSIONAL HOOLIGAN, AND I HATE WHAT THAT HOOLIGAN DID

IT MAKES TED BUNDY A GOOD GUY FOR DYING AND KIDNAPPING ME, BY MAKING ME TIE MYSELF UP, AND FANTASIZING ABOUT TYING BRENDAN UP AND

MAKING BRENDAN HYPE ME UP, BY SHOWING HIS BIG ADULTS KID LEGS, WITH HIS MOTHER AND FATHER, EVEN IF I WENT TO JAIL, FOR A WEEKEND

AND I WENT TO PROBATION HEARINGS FOR 1 YEAR, I LEARNT THAT KIDNAPPING KIDS CAN BE FATAL FOR ME, SO AS I LEFT THE PROBATION FOR THE LAST TIME

I DID MY FAMILY PERSON THING, BY GOING TO GLEBE PARK ALA CARTE, TO LISTEN TO THE MUSIC, BUT I LEARNT, CANBERRA HATED ME FOR THE KIDNAPPING THOUGHTS

AND THIS MADE ME SCARED TO EVER GRAB ANOTHER KID AGAIN, AND MY PARENTS PUT ME ON MEDICATION, AND I AM STILL ON MEDICATION, AND

THE THOUGHTS WERE GOING AWAY, BUT I DID VOLUNTEER WORK AS YOU KNOW, AT THE RAINBOW, COOKING, VACCUMING, AND ALSO CREATIVE WRITING

AND THAT LASTED 3 YEARS, AND MIND YOU, I ALSO DID A BIT OF BUSH WALKING, KOSCIUSKO AND JERVIS BAY, TUMUT AND MANY OTHERS, I WAS A REALLY

POSITIVE PERSON, AND THE PSYCHIATRIST, TRIED TO REDUCE MY MEDICATION, WHICH WAS A MISTAKE, I KILLED MY CAT, THINKING IT WAS THE DINGO THAT

KILLED AZARIA, I DON’T WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR THIS, I WAS SICK AND PLACED ON THE FAT DRUG, THE FAT DRUG, GIVING ME NO ENERGY, SLOWLY KILLING ME

AND GIVING ME NASTY LOOKUPS EVERY TIME I TRIED TO WORK, AND I WORKED AT AINSLIE VILLAGE, AS A HOUSE CLEANER, BUT LOOKING AT MY HOUSE, I WAS LIKE

ANY MAN, DOES A GREAT JOB HOUSE CLEANING FOR OTHERS, AND LETTING HIS OWN HOUSEWORK SLIP, I DON’T WANT TO GET EVICTED, BUT I AM GETTING HELP

IN CLEANING, BY DUO SERVICES, MAYBE OTHER POOR PEOPLE CAN GET THE SAME SERVICES, CAUSE I GET SPRING CLEANS AS WELL, GIVE OTHER PEOPLE A HAND

I GOT FUNDING, BUT WHY CAN’T YA RICH *******, INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ABOUT POOR PEOPLE’S HOUSES, TRY AND HELP THEM CLEAN IT, DON’T BE RICH *****

BE THEIR FRIENDS, NOW, INSTEAD OF BEING A HOMELESS ***, I AM A WRITER AN ARTIST AND A YOUTUBE ENTERTAINER, I AM DEALING WITH MY VOICES

BUT THE FEAR IS THERE, CAUSE I UPSET A LOT OF DUDES, I AM SORRY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT, EVERYTHING I DID IN THE PAST, IS IN THE PAST

OK, ONE GOOD THING THAT CAME FROM MY CHILDHOOD, WAS THE D OF E AWARD SCHEME, I GOT BRONZE AND SILVER, AS WELL AS MY MATES GETTING ****** WITH ME

MAKING ME FEEL I WAS A SCHOOLIE, WHETHER THEY WERE JUST BEING NICE OR NOT, I STILL THANK THEM,

OK BYE DUDES

The ruined church yard hidden
in a wild haunted glen...strangled by red ivy
and rope like vines.
A relic buried under moss and sod...
The stench of deadly flowers...
beautiful and sick.
Spirits hover like vapor in a blue mist.
Fog hangs on broken statues: headless angels,
saints with no lips.

A pitiful howl, haunts the glen. Frightens
the country folk who gasp as they pass;
a headless horseman would cause such fear.
The legend says, if you look and the beast catches
your  eye, you will die with blood to **** until
you are dry. Your tongue will swell and hang
out your mouth. you'll join his legions lined
up for sport. He'll giggle and wiggle you till
your body just fails.

Hawks hover in covens ore the old grave plots;
headstones smashed and holes in the ground
where coffins were found.
Corpses buried with all their blood. No under-taker
in this back woods town.
The beast is angry and lusting too. He hears her laughter:
his siren from hell. Where did he plant her? He cannot
recall. He laughed at his legions propped up against
the wall. His army of ghouls so soiled and bald.

The beast falls to his hairy knees. "Please spirits, where
she be? Let me lick her clean. I have a desperate longing
for this zomie queen. I burn with lust and desire."
The spirits laugh, "This is your fate. Why did you ****
her if your love so great?" "Love!" the Beast's  yellow eyes
blazed. "I just want to **** the blood between her legs."
"Your soul is worthless even to Beelzebud. Your paramour
interests him too." "No, she is dead.He cannot want a corpse.
Oh God, he'll turn her into a vampire and I'll be lost."

"Oh spirits. what can I do?" "Why don't you die, then we can
take him your giant eye." A scream let out in blasts of flame.
"Go back from where you came.  Let her spread her fleshless legs
for that lean adhorred monster. Let him make her one. Vancre La
****. *****! If he wants her more. Her blood is black but sweet
as cheeries. Now, she is but a bloated corpse. She lost her
beauty. Let him have her. I care not."
The Beasts rears up and beats his chest. He howls and  crys.
He bites his own arm; the pleasure of pain.

"I seduced her into my art. If she wants the devil gone is my
heart.,if ever there was one in the start. I've been tricked.I sold
my soul to have her blood to restore me new." The spirits giggled.
"You're dead, you fool. You are the ghost of the beast in all men.
Hold her bare bones till they crumble to dust. She will be gone
and what have you left? Men always **** the thing they love.
HOWL IN THE NIGHT! You can't **** her blood...

AHHHHHHH....

I AM SCARED OF BIG NOISES, IN LIFE, but i don’t want to be scared


you see the dog barks at me i go ahhhhh, leave me alone

you see, i hate when drunken yobbos yell at me, all because i drink their beer

you see i am scared of kids treating my like phedaphile

and i am scared of getting robbed, or mucking with robbers

all getting robbers to muck with me, because i act small for my age

i am scared of getting bullied for what i say

i don’t like people yelling at me, and sometimes i be a little young dude, to stop myself from getting robbed

i am scared if my old life will come back and rip my heart

sometimes i used to be a hooligan so i feel bigger than the family teasers

i was showing dad in the 1990s how i can try to handle teasing

but sometimes i feel the teasers are going to kidnap me to tease me

and i don’t want to be strange, i want to change

i hate when people yell at me saying SHUT UP, TRYING TO BE A YOUNG DUDE ARE YA

i don’t want to get bullied or kidnapped

and when i see a dog, i yell out ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh

same as if someone looked dangerous, you say ahhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh

if someone treats me like a hooligan i go annnnnnn i am a family person

i am a family person ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhh

the sky darkened and decomposed into the blackness
giving up a trail of reflections and thoughts
thoughts in mind, sleeping into tomorrow
thoughts waiting to be released into the light
ahhhhhhh
feels so delicious to allow new composition to escape

Brian Hill - 2020 # 225

Captured in the psych ward


Today Ron got out of bed and
Had cereal and toast and then went to the hdu because he found out that his usual hangout burnt down overnight
By a man who has a lot of violence in him, you see this man suffers from schitzophrenia and has these dillusions of Fire being the answer, you see when he burns something down, a voice he claims is gods but it is really
The delusions in his brain saying do it do it do it
Burn it down and collect the insurance and go overseas to travel and everything will be alright and Ron had a lot on his plate with momma rose two weeks after patty roes death
And then this strange man entered the psych ward saying
I don't belong here with no hopers and sick people and
Momma rose went over to him
And said what are you in for
And he said I torched a place down to collect the insurance
To travel around the world
And Ron came in and took the man aside and started to understand why he would do
Awful things to businesses and homes and first of all he said his name was Harry and then he said God wants me to do this, you see if I torch a place i
Can collect the insurance and go overseas and Ron said what Makes you think in your mind that anyone will give you insurance for that and Harry said God always helps the little guys just like me, you see mate
I am different from other people
And Ron said what makes you think that and Harry said you see everyone worries about not
Being able to have kids and me
I don't care because there is so much you have to do
1 look into which school to enrol
Your kids into
2 buy food so your kids don't starve
3 pick up and drop off at school
And sporting events
Ahhhhhhh
And momma rose came over
And said Harry, do you want to escape one day, I know where they keep the keys
Because I have people on the outside I want to **** or destroy
And Ron said momma rose can you please leave me and Harry alone and momma rose walked away saying **** your *******
******* and Ron decided that
Harry should be trailed on chlosophine because there are a lot of violent thoughts flying around his head and Harry said
My mate Patrick doesn't want to help me, so he planted his voice into my head saying we don't like you anymore and Ron said we need you to understand the nature of your actions and Harry said I know what I did was right for me and Ron said you need chlosophine right now
And later that day they had  dinner and then Ron bought out the medications and momma rose said I know I killed George Washington but why should I stay here I am better now
When I was a kid we went to hospital to have operations and
Not stuck here watching tv
And Harry said shut up ****
And Ron clocked off and bought pizza and retired to the couch while momma rose played nice mother to Harry
Explaining every show making Harry very mad but he just let
Momma rose talk and that was the first day of Harry


Sent from my iPhone

I’m tired I wanna go to bed
And cuddle my beautiful beautiful Ted
I take my meds
And Athena sends me up to outer space
So she can work on my legs
And help my toes
In bed for friends fighting the foes
I am tired I wanna go to bed
And cuddle my beautiful wonderful adorable Ted
I am very tired very very tired
I might have another yawn
Have another yawn
Ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh
I meet my dad and Aunty Pam
They are sitting there eating strawberry jam
I see uncle Dennis and Aunty daphne
I also see uncle Stan  and granny and nanny
The medication is pushing me
To be nice to family
Which is fine but I have my own interests
I want to go to bed
And cuddle my Ted
And see my friends miles Blackburn
And Steven Papps and Nicholas roots
I want to talk about bowling back then
But I don’t do it anymore I am just too tired
I am tired I wanna go to bed
And cuddle my beautiful wonderful lovely ted
Make me feel comfy in my comfy comfy bed
I might have another yawn
I might have another yawn
Just for you my cool little dude
I fly around in outer space
Drinking smoothies as I go
One planer is as hot as hell
One planet is plainly just snow
I have spoken to Johnny cash
Who told me he is sonny French
And spoken with slim dusty
Who is Hayley Leblanc
I was jamming with them
Making me feel too tired for normality
On planet earth
But I am tired I wanna go to bed
Cuddling each teddy bear that I own

DO I KISS HER NOW. . .?
. . .DO I KISS HER NOW!

Centuries of seconds
amble( nonchalantly )by

the kiss that is
in our minds

not yet
upon our lips.

"Just...doitdoitdoit!"
you scream silently.

"Doitdoitdoit!"
I cry wordlessly.

The birds in the trees
can only laugh.

"Doitdoitdoit!"
they mimic

Suddenly the last second
hoves into view

carrying a placard
'THE KISS IS NIGH!"

I grab that second
by the scruff of the neck.

"What...in God's name
kept you"
I almost screech.

"Painting the sign...wasn't I?"
the second sniffled...wiping its nose.

"AGHHHHHH!" I aghhhhhh'd.

"AHHHHHHH!" you ahhhhh'd.

Squirming deliciously
within your self.

"Okok...cut...that's it
that's a wrap!"

shouts Life
from its Director's chair.

At long last
the kiss

exists.

"I said...cut!"
shouts Life again

but we continue
doing what we're doing

not listening
to anything

but us.

we cease to exist forever
no more pain:  why then fear this?

because our loved ones we true treasure
to know them nevermore. Ahhhhhhh!

              we don’t want to hear this.

AHHHHHHH!
Please. For. Pete’s. Sake.
Stop telling me about your favorite shows.
I don’t give a rats *** what your most beloved protagonist is up to this week or next week or even the week after that.
Your shows ****. Your movies ****.
Your taste in music is abysmal and your lack of charity is simply appalling.
It’s bad enough that I spend the entirety of my days staring at a blank wall while you get to go out and enjoy the marvel of television: an infinite world of deluxe channels and excess *******.
Meanwhile, I’m here renouncing everything that this petty bourgeois capitalist empire has to offer because I haven’t two nickels to rub together.
Jesus and I talk almost every night, he says “I can’t give you any money if the rich have it all. Maybe you should stop blaming them for your poverty and take their grandiosity instead.” I always respond with “But Jesus, whatever happened to the golden rule and loving thy neighbor?” And he always smiles that smile that shines the holy mile.

Even when he fades, I hear him say “Take what you want and let the world change.”

But I don’t want to steal whats been stolen and become a thief’s thief when all I want is to become a poet’s poet.

My education is next to nothing and my bank statement is null, but this heart full of suffering burns the anguish out of my soul and all I want is to spread the gospel of joy and spirituality so that we can live and love in harmony instead of me hearing about your favorite ******* shows.