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Pen Lux Feb 2019
I've been talking to my therapist
he wants me to write up a list
of all things that bring
the adult and child out of me

Although it seems that I can't bring
any side or part of me
that makes me seem less broken
so on the words I keep on choking

a flow of rain the sunshine brings
the thinking, screaming, sadness
trickling
my best friend’s dead
and all I want
is to see his face again

sing on the floor
just once more
out of tune
honeybeeeee
again

I miss my friend
thought we would sing 'till the end

instead

I take care of my mother
try to help her
she won't change

again

I miss my best friend
honeybee
oh honeybeeeeeee

instead

I stopped drinking
gave my time to overthinking
working all day
trying to sleep off the pain
at night

I try
to move past and forward
learn a new song
but I can't help but wonder

where would I be if I could just move forward
faster faster faster
I guess I should slow down
move to a town? nope not gonna happen
I fasten
into my own life
try not to strive for more than I can follow

after
I'm faster
to let myself slow down

I miss my bestfriend
but my feet still touch the ground

I've found
I wont let myself drowned
this time
this time I wont hide

'cause the moments I have
don't have time for pride
deep inside
I find
that if I move faster
then I'll run out of time
Pen Lux Feb 2019
fantasies of self harm
the thoughts I usually lure away
began to fester inside my brain
reliving pain in spirals
imagination running wild

demons whisper
with poison lips
begging me for just one kiss
giving me reasons
reading the list
of all the moments I might miss

the voices came in screams today
knocking and raging
my cage might break

I tried to calm myself today
let the demons have their say
then move on in my own way

I did this time
in five ways right
to this healing
I hold fast and tight
Pen Lux Jan 2019
I sit here and listen
to hearts unfold
as the two men before me
explain stories untold…

Chords in their palms
hearts singing their songs.
The pain of the past, the future,
and all that is left
is the mystery
of what might be here.

I hear them playing
no tip toeing around
as they reverberate sound.

love binding two souls.

Who could have known
that without experience,
resounds dissonasse?

Misunderstanding in the time that has passed.

Who said that it only takes a moment
to forget
and remove the past?

Humans,
or strange creatures?

Our friends are our preachers!

Sharing what is inside
no pride
just feelings we express,
because it is too hard to let them fester.

Experiencing this weather
inside this house.
Pounding and beating
water we felt retreating
year after year
we felt dry inside
and outside
all together.

Another day to reject neglect
and stand beside those who we wish to protect.
Projecting a sound that can last a life time.

Forgetting all reason
giving in
to the rhyme.
Pen Lux Apr 2018
Stumbling through the streets
I say, "yes, thank you and more, please,"
Until I'm home.
Don't want to be alone
With this pain I own
Yet here I am
And so it will be
Pen Lux Apr 2018
I love you to death
And so I depart
Shattered heart
I'm sick of sorry
Being torn apart

I believe in my dreaming
Where I see you depart
Jealousy ringing
I give you what's left of me
On the corner of the street

I hope you will see me
Pen Lux Apr 2018
***** ashes
In a pile of roses
Petals
I am falling
Twisting and turning
Yearning for affection
While whispering that I want to be alone
Not sure which to hone
I'm trying to remember words
That make me feel at home
Although I forget
I will not regret
Time spent thinking
Pen Lux Apr 2018
the sin in me is as bright as the sun
shrouded in clouds
as I'm crowded with doubts
if I can change,
and if I do,
who will I be?
all I can hope is for my sensitivity
to project in more positive ways
leaving me less empty
in my darkened haze

this depression is a lesson
I'm guessing from the guilt
of all the things I said and did
while running from myself

perhaps I never really left
when I was trying to disappear
instead just rumbled and rearranged
my darkest parts, they took the stage

today I feel very much different
it's just the beginning
but at least it's a start

I'm tired of being dramatic
focusing on what doesn't matter
will never set me free
looking inward instead of forward
because beauty dwells far too deep
for me and my **** mindset
the regret that holds me down
I want to look in the mirror
and be proud with what I've found

A reflect of comfort
and a humming birds sound
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