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Pen Lux Dec 2020
I was bored and lonely
wanted to be like everyone else
be liked by people
love and be loved
**** and get ******

something about getting kicked out of the house
really brings a new meaning to the term
"rock&roll"
sleeping on the streets
it's not so easy to forgive
the people
who gave you so many chances
the people
who had finally had enough
I know I know
I left because I felt like I needed to truly experience
the worst of the worst to then be able to truly experience
the best of the BEST
"the world is my oyster," I think is how the saying goes?
well ****, I've never even seen an oyster
and I hate the smell of the ocean
(I mean really people? you like that?)
anyway...

I have learned that if you plant a seed, it will grow
seeds as in vegetables
but also seeds as in
metaphorical seeds
the seed that I had planted in my mind
and committed to was for
truly understanding what my favorite writers had gone through
and talked about in their works.
I felt that if I experienced it,
truly,
then perhaps I could understand,
fully.

I have felt what it is like to be
more empty than empty.
the words broken and shattered
couldn't even come close enough to reach my shadow.
there were no words to describe
what I was going through at the time.
I was too busy dying
to write.
Now, I'm getting busy living
to write.
Now, I must write.

I had my hurrahs and my hooray's
but it's back to the pages and the books
and the games
and the food
and bringing myself home.
To the place I can call home.
where I can create.

Back to the poetry,
as I back away from my demons.

you know they call it spirit for a reason?
you know they call them spirits for a reason?

the drinking
the drugs
the cigarettes
the lovers
lost friends
cold nights
hard nights
frightened yet still
confident

It takes time to  
come back to
yourself
                               after trying to lose
(and most of the time succeeding)
                                                           yourself.

I've done a 180.
Never want to leave.

I'm home.
Pen Lux Feb 2019
I've been talking to my therapist
he wants me to write up a list
of all things that bring
the adult and child out of me

Although it seems that I can't bring
any side or part of me
that makes me seem less broken
so on the words I keep on choking

a flow of rain the sunshine brings
the thinking, screaming, sadness
trickling
my best friend’s dead
and all I want
is to see his face again

sing on the floor
just once more
out of tune
honeybeeeee
again

I miss my friend
thought we would sing 'till the end

instead

I take care of my mother
try to help her
she won't change

again

I miss my best friend
honeybee
oh honeybeeeeeee

instead

I stopped drinking
gave my time to overthinking
working all day
trying to sleep off the pain
at night

I try
to move past and forward
learn a new song
but I can't help but wonder

where would I be if I could just move forward
faster faster faster
I guess I should slow down
move to a town? nope not gonna happen
I fasten
into my own life
try not to strive for more than I can follow

after
I'm faster
to let myself slow down

I miss my bestfriend
but my feet still touch the ground

I've found
I wont let myself drowned
this time
this time I wont hide

'cause the moments I have
don't have time for pride
deep inside
I find
that if I move faster
then I'll run out of time
Pen Lux Feb 2019
fantasies of self harm
the thoughts I usually lure away
began to fester inside my brain
reliving pain in spirals
imagination running wild

demons whisper
with poison lips
begging me for just one kiss
giving me reasons
reading the list
of all the moments I might miss

the voices came in screams today
knocking and raging
my cage might break

I tried to calm myself today
let the demons have their say
then move on in my own way

I did this time
in five ways right
to this healing
I hold fast and tight
Pen Lux Jan 2019
I sit here and listen
to hearts unfold
as the two men before me
explain stories untold…

Chords in their palms
hearts singing their songs.
The pain of the past, the future,
and all that is left
is the mystery
of what might be here.

I hear them playing
no tip toeing around
as they reverberate sound.

love binding two souls.

Who could have known
that without experience,
resounds dissonasse?

Misunderstanding in the time that has passed.

Who said that it only takes a moment
to forget
and remove the past?

Humans,
or strange creatures?

Our friends are our preachers!

Sharing what is inside
no pride
just feelings we express,
because it is too hard to let them fester.

Experiencing this weather
inside this house.
Pounding and beating
water we felt retreating
year after year
we felt dry inside
and outside
all together.

Another day to reject neglect
and stand beside those who we wish to protect.
Projecting a sound that can last a life time.

Forgetting all reason
giving in
to the rhyme.
Pen Lux Apr 2018
Stumbling through the streets
I say, "yes, thank you and more, please,"
Until I'm home.
Don't want to be alone
With this pain I own
Yet here I am
And so it will be
Pen Lux Apr 2018
I love you to death
And so I depart
Shattered heart
I'm sick of sorry
Being torn apart

I believe in my dreaming
Where I see you depart
Jealousy ringing
I give you what's left of me
On the corner of the street

I hope you will see me
Pen Lux Apr 2018
***** ashes
In a pile of roses
Petals
I am falling
Twisting and turning
Yearning for affection
While whispering that I want to be alone
Not sure which to hone
I'm trying to remember words
That make me feel at home
Although I forget
I will not regret
Time spent thinking
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