Someone who means a great deal to me once said that you can’t find love. You can’t go searching for it, it finds you. It finds you out of nowhere and once it’s there you can’t ignore it. I thought that was a cute way of putting things and continued on with life, waiting for love to find me. But then I got impatient and tried to find it on my own, but it never happened. I was terrified of relationships for some unknown reason or past trauma, and I never found it. Until it found me.
It steamrolled me completely out of nowhere and I didn’t see it coming. It was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me because it was beautiful to feel so deeply for someone and not feel any fear to let myself fall. For my best friend, someone I could spend hours talking to.
Only you didn’t feel it too. Apparently you can ignore it, or maybe fate is sick and twisted and Cupid only hit me.
So I love you. I love you and I can’t stop and it absolutely ***** because you don’t feel the same way for me. I know even if you did we’d never work out and yet if you sat me down and tried to convince me of all the reasons we would always be wrong for each other and never right, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
Trust me, I wish I could. I wish I hated you instead, or just didn’t care at all.
But I can’t stop. You could break my heart ten times over and I wouldn’t be able to stop. I don’t understand why but it’s just a fact.
I’ll always wonder why I’m not good enough or if maybe you’ll ever change your mind.
Maybe one day I’ll stop, finally get over it, but for now I’m stuck here never being able to get over you. I can’t move on, I can’t stop hurting, I can’t stop loving you. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel this way about someone again, or if I manage to get over you if I even want to, because I don’t ever want to be crushed like this again.
Because I love you. And you don’t love me.

I’ll wake up at 9 AM
Get ready while listenin’ to One Direction
I’ll wear something cute
Then be out the door
Because the world is so big
And there’s so much to explore
I’ll head down Ninth Avenue
To my favorite coffee shop
But once I’m done there I go to my next stop
Head to the beach
Catch some waves
Watch the tide
That’s my perfect day

The thing I want most in life
Isn’t going to happen for a long time
But to anyone who will listen
I’ll tell you what it is
My dream over all
Is to be a mom
To create life and nurture it
It’s the thing I want most
And I can’t wait to boast
About my wonderful child
And all they’ve accomplished
To have a tiny little hand reach around my finger
And love me simply because I’m his mother
To experience everything through tiny little eyes
And watch their first steps
And first words
And every single little first you could imagine
To be tired and worn at the end of the day
But be grateful for the tiny little one who’s stolen my heart away
To hold them close when they get scared
And teach them what it means to care
I can’t wait to pick them up from school
And hear them cry, “Mommy!”
As they run to hug me
My dream is simple
I know it’s not grand
But I can’t wait to hold my baby
And be able to say I’ve got the whole world in my hands

My favorite flavor is your lips against mine
When the world fades away
And I lose track of time
My favorite feeling is when you grab my waist
And pull me in close
As if you’re scared I’ll run away
My favorite thing is that look in your eyes
When you tell me you love me
More than the amount of stars in the sky
You’re my favorite, plain and simple
I especially love when you smile
And how on the right you have a dimple
There’s something about you
I’m not even sure what it is
You came into my life
And took me by surprise
I never thought I’d get so lucky
As to call you mine

You’re still my screensaver
Even after all this time
I have to hide my screen from wandering eyes
I should know better than to keep your picture staring back at me
But what’s a girl to do
If I can’t get myself over you
I’ll keep this lie until the end
Tell ‘em all you’re just a friend
But you’re still my screen saver

Can we be each other’s screensaver?
Because we just can’t get enough
So that every time I open up my phone
I get to see the face of my true love
Your picture is a reminder of so much love
When you hold me close
And kiss me hard
And tell me I’m more beautiful than all the stars
I love you now
I’ll love you then
So let’s be each other’s screensavers
And even when apart we can look at each other’s face often

I opened up my journal
And at the top I wrote “What I’m Feeling Right Now”
Lost
Because I don’t know what choice to make
I’m worried I’ll do something I hate
Scared
For the world I live in to change
That my children will grow up in a place
Where they and their freedoms aren’t safe
Restless
Because I drank 2 cups of coffee with dinner
And now the chances of me sleeping tonight are wearing much thinner
Longing
To talk to them
To that person who claimed they were my friend
But I haven’t heard from since I don’t know when
Lonely
Because I moved away
From all the things I knew and loved
Sad
Because of everything going on in the world right now
Unsure, overwhelmed, anxious, and unloved
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
My life is pretty great
I’m in one of those slumps
Where nothing feels ok
I miss them, I miss him, I miss being a kid
I wish things made sense again
I wish these weren’t the feelings I was feeling right now
But I can’t change that, now can I?

L-O-N-E-L-Y is a 6 letter word
Lonely is what I feel
F-R-I-E-N-D is another 6 letter word
And I miss mine
It’s supposed to be winter
Yet it’s 70 degrees outside
I wish it was cold outside
Just like my heart feels cold
I’m stranded in a strange place
Hoping for a familiar face
And yet I hope in vain
And wish for rain
Stuck here
Feeling lonely

The mad man sat in a tower
Wishing for power
Instead he was chained
And slowly went more and more insane
As he wished for revenge

Nothing satisfies
Like tucking shaved legs under
Soft, clean, silky sheets

I guess when you kissed me under the moonlight
I thought that we would be alright
My mind began spinning
With so many plans
Of a future full of loving
And holding hands
But instead of taking me away
And showing me love to make me stay
You were just confusing
And threw mixed signals
I know I should forget
But my heart doesn’t want to quit

I hear one thing
And then another
My mind can’t be made up
And I’m stuck with an empty cup
I wish to be free
Of the chain’s shackling me
I know what I have to do
But do I really want to
I pace and I pace
It’s like some silly race
And then there’s you
Always confusing, always captivating
The largest enigma I have yet to come across
So between working and wondering
I try to solve the puzzle that is you
And while getting my stuff together
That is all I can do

I’m genuinely confused
I don’t know what to do
I’ve got everything to lose
And I can’t forget about you

I’ve had black eyes and bruises
Broken bones and ****** noses
I’ve dealt with pain
I’ve fallen and been sprained
I’ve had needles ***** my skin
And cut my fingers on jagged rims
But none of those compare
To falling into someone’s snare
And hoping you’ll be loved
Only to find
You were wasting your time

You might be quite bored
But don’t make the same mistake
Do NOT dye your hair

She spent her time daydreaming
Of who she thought he was
Wishing she could be wrapped up in his arms
Safe and secure
She thought his sugar-coated words were for her
But in the end she was wrong
So she keeps up a front
And tells herself she's OK
But she cries when she's alone in the car
Because she didn't know how to make him stay

I never was a morning person
I despised being up before eight
Getting up for school was torture
And hearing my alarm clock go off filled me with hate
Not only do I like sleeping in
I’m a night owl as well
I work best late at night
And if you look at when I publish, you can probably tell
It wasn’t until I stayed up all night
And saw the sun come up behind the trees
I watched the world come alive
And the morning became beautiful to me
I opened my window
And felt the rising sun kiss my face
I listened as a breeze was blowing
And heard the birds chirp as they broke out of a sleepy haze
It was in that moment that I knew
No matter how much I loved my sleep
Mornings were beautiful too

Such an ironic thing
To be a hopeless romantic
But scared of relationships
I mean, come on, isn’t that just cruel
I just want to love and be loved
But I’m scared to act a fool
I do my best
To keep my head on straight
And yet at the thought of falling in love
I hyperventilate
And when I finally get over it
And take a leap of faith
Just to put my feelings out there
My hope gets snatched away
I’m not asking for much, I swear
Just late nights
And date nights
With someone loving
Who really cares
And yet when that person comes along
I chicken out and run away
And when the next one comes, and I think I’m ok
They don’t feel the same way
So I’ve decided to stay true to myself
I’ll know it when the right one comes along
And with prayer I’ll make sure it’s not wrong
And when I do
I can promise you
I’ll love fully and endlessly
Beautifully and selflessly
Hopelessly but not blindly

Steady, ready, full steam ahead
I may be scared
But I can just turn around if I hit a dead end
My life is beginning
And every single day
I have the chance to change my life
It might seem small
Or insignificant
But every minute detail has some sentiment
And I may think that life will always be the same
But even a week from now
I’ll look back and say
Look at me! I’ve come a ways!
I stumbled there
And I messed up here
But I carried on and I wiped my tears

Ugh! I cannot write!
Concepts floating in my head
But can’t find the words

There are often words that I'm scared to say
And in truth I am not brave
So I practice these words when I am alone
In the shower
And saying them aloud reminds me that words have power
I practice them again
Over and over
As if I was reciting them to a lover
I'll probably never say them to anyone else
But at least I get them off my chest
Instead of leaving them in my head as a jumbled mess

Blood is red
Bruises are blue
My wisdom teeth just got pulled
But only two

The butterflies started
And I couldn’t stop them
Suddenly all the love songs were about you
And I don’t know what to do
Do I confess?
I’m afraid it will all just turn into a big mess

People can be surprising
Even the ones you know best
For a boy I thought I knew pretty well
Turned out to partake in theft
I’ll admit I saw it coming
But I couldn’t stop it if I tried
You see, he stole my heart
And in turn I told a lie

The world is so vast
I want to explore it all
With someone I love

HE died for me
Upon a tree
I don't deserve it
No one can earn it
So now I live my life
To serve the one who set me free
Who cut the ties that bound me
Sin was my anchor
And I was drowning
But HE rescued me

I wish I knew how
To say the words in my heart
And how I wish we were never apart
At night I dream of your smile
And in the daytime
I think of the miles separating us
I don't know how to get through
Sometimes you have to fight for love
But it would all be worth it for you