[in the past I am describing god to my attacker]

I don’t take good care of things.

I can’t even give you
examples.

~

[dead child]

the future
the past
both are ready

to talk

~

[late poem]

one can only write so long
about loss
in pencil

find my house,
dog-on-fire

~

[reading and writing]

which one of us did loneliness hear coming?

All at once, all of a sudden
There was a cacophony of you
Resounding around my head
And quietly I imploded outward
****** into the very sounds
Your voice made in my mind
Because they sounded so good
I had to have them to keep
But instead of having them
They took me as a prisoner
Of a war that doesn't matter
And refused to give me back
So I'm left in a state of willing limbo
Ricocheting off the inside of my thoughts
Losing track of the times I think of you
Tallying the times you think of me
I could count on my fingers, I'm sure
But my thoughts don't have hands.

Do you remember when I told you
I didn't like you
I teased you for what felt like hours
But were most likely only minutes

Do you remember when I called you
All those mean names
I'd laugh and laugh as you sat and stared
We both knew you weren't going anywhere

Do you remember when I cried
In front of you for the first time
We both realized it was only hate
That gave me such terrible pain

Do you remember that time you told me
Purple was my color
I wore it the next day
What was I thinking
Or maybe I wasn't

Do you remember the first time
I held your hand
So smooth but rough
Gripped perfectly in mine

Do you remember the time
I told you I liked you
The tables were turned
Torched and burned
Leaving me with that ache and pain

Do you know how it was
To be rejected
To be unloved

Do you remember when we became
Super fantastic friends
Of course let the sarcasm
Slowly sink in

Do you remember when I told you
Go for what you want
And I wanted to hear
I wanted to believe
All you wanted was
Me

Do you remember when we stopped
And nothing felt the same
Did you feel it too
That miserable drowning pain

Did you really even care
Did you even want me back
I'd tell myself no
Anything different might be a bigger blow

Do you remember when I told you
How I really feel
When I proclaimed my love
My stupid fantasy of
Us together
Forever

Of course you don't
Because I won't tell
I would never be so stupid
To fall for a king

When I know
I'll never be his
Queen