Is it true that she may overlook my fallacies repeatedly delivered to her door?
And a self dignified renewal will excuse my ambivalent decisions
On a somber night, sweet rapture will prompt us to awake with a startling siren of urgency
Oh the sporadic foreboding of my subconscious chiming in when all is still
But is none the less heard
Honesty
Compassion
Reassurance
Intimacy
Whispering echoes in my frail chamber of a mind

We rode white lightning across state lines
To a little town in the mountains over the tainted river
Where the entire strip is full of bars
Buzzing barflys hoping from tavern to tavern

It was mid day in broad daylight
We found the place
A hole in the wall
You would only be able find it if you were actually looking

Solvent Reflections
It was called

We went down the stairs, passed the wooden Native American at the front entrance

A marvelous collection of glass implements
Colorful fabrics and alluring smells

A man came out from behind a beaded curtain
Eyes glazed and a zonked out look on his face

"Right this way"
He showed us the assortment of extracts    

We chose the middle way
Purchased twenty scented sticks

Descended from the mountain
To a sketchy out post

We fought a pool shark
While waiting for the evening to come

Our friends had come out to play with us
To the market for brightly colored cans of caffeine and ethanol

Torches lit and music playing
We sat in a circle

We opened the little brown vile
Releasing the leaves of deeper knowledge

We put in the vessel of self-exploration
Put fire to it and inhaled

Immediately she ran to the highest point to admire the art the moon and stars had fashioned on the black and blue firmament

His head became a cardboard box
And his body began to look like wicker

I was somewhere between an animated reality
And a three dimensional fantasy

My friend went on a cruise upon a swaying pirate ship
And found his face under the word "fabulous" on every single page of his dictionary
Then saw himself in a magical grassland  


But then we stopped and stood in awe
Of the mighty Cricket Lord

Within ten minutes it came to an end
Our voices hoarse from laughter

Lets go again

I’ll see you very soon
I’ll see you in time
Concentrate on breathing
I can see you’re tired

Bets are off tonight girl
Let the armatures try
Evoking your emotions
In your predetermined life

You’ll see me very soon
You’ll see me in time
Your visions way to crowded
By the advertisements lies

So what’s left?
They say you can’t
Ever decide
All alone with your slowly fading light

We’ll see each other soon
We’ll be there in time
I can’t help you break free
I’m not your messiah

Hear me
I love you I can’t watch you die
Burning on in your unsatisfying life
Endless fight
Daddy’s lies

The moment for us to say our goodbyes has come
Our eyes will flood then we’ll be on our way
A final farewell to what once belonged to both of us
Times run out but we have plenty of regrets

My brown eyed November
You’ll never know what you were worth to me
Even after the fights, the excruciating frustration

I would walk on broken glass barefoot just to get to you
To be honest there isn’t much I’d do for you
But now I can’t do anything
I gave you everything and you walked away

I know, but you don’t
Have a clue how much damage you’ve done to me
I never told you my secrets
I never told you everything

My brown eyed November
You don’t know how much you meant to me
The moon fall and the sun rise
Shine on our lies

I knew you were treacherous
Yet I still clinged to you hoping maybe it would all change

Let’s end this, I want it
I need to calm down

My brown eyed November
You are truly invaluable
The ocean bathes us the sand dries
Cleansing our lives

You couldn’t care less
My appreciation goes unappreciated
If it isn’t and I am wrong
Please, now is the time to tell me

The karma
Bad karma
The cause of all of this

The memories of you will stay even when you are gone
Mistrust will linger but hope resonates
We’re like summer in the fall, we’re leaving
Mistreating, believing
After all this I don’t want to be your one and only victim
What do you care? You never believed in soul mates or in true love

I can’t stay, even though I want to
You gave false hope and empty promises
Injected me with a tranquilizer and put me in a state of gullibility
Was I dramatic or miserable?
I know you can’t be replaced, why would I want another one like you?
So good bye my brown eyed November

There is never an end unless
You prepare it yourself

Stopping everything and leaving it
Or just bringing it to a short pause
To catch your breath

Boundless domains of elation
Bottomless pits of wonder
Endless roads of fascination

The cohesive bond we all share
Unspoken to some, unheard of by many
A unifying of all beings

The blood that binds us separates us
The spirit that connects us penetrates us
I hear it and sprint towards it

To help my fellow man
To listen, to hold, to share
To pick up, to give, to know

No matter the distance
Emotional or geographical
I will come

That I promise

The waters stagnant
The wind won’t blow
National laryngitis
And no one knows

And no one sees
Our generations so empty
Were apathetic
So unoriginal and bleak

We haven’t got a voice
We haven’t got a face
Where’s the infinity?
Come on evolution pick up the pace

Where’s the great poets?
Where’s the philosophers?
Abstract artists
All I see are pretentious mindless shoppers

We are the future
We are tomorrow
So let us all bring light
And forego the sorrow

No pensions
Just tension
No security
Conformity

They don’t care
They don’t see
They want what’s now
And what’s trendy

Fakes and phonies they surround me
Actors leading false lives
How oh how will
Our generation survive?

As the soft lulling lecture went on my eyes began to shift in a hazy closing
And my mind faded into a far off dimension

A dimension of desire
A desire to not be in this room

A room where we dissect psalms
Of rhetoric and metaphor

Calling cities women and lamenting their deterioration
And utter demise

Overstating obvious and neglecting ambiguity

Shoot me up
And beat me down
For my crimes
Against what we once called love

I’ll meet you at high noon
Bring your gun I’ll bring my will

I leave to you a list of apologizes and regrets
Do what you want with it
It only gets harder from here
So **** the gun and pull the trigger
Steady aim

Shoot it through my skull
And I'll lay lifeless
On the ground
Nothing remains

They say the punishment must fit the crime so
Hang me at the gallows
Burn me at the stake
Send me to the guillotine
Then dig me a shallow grave
My remorse is deep
A life that’s okay to take
The guilt is mine to keep
Impale me
And nail me to the wall
Drink my tears in laughter kick me when I’m down
I stare down the barrel and feel nothing
Satisfy me

As I drive to the house
Where the alcohol waits
My mind yearns
And I anticipate

I can’t wait to come out
After a few drinks
Let everything go loose
I don’t need to feel or think

Does this look infected?
Is it a skin tag or a stye?
Maybe it could be a cist

Rub some salt of the Earth in this laceration
Side with the one who says to burn it off with a cigar
The same cigar he used to burn off those leeches when I was younger

My soft gaze is fixed upon the wall
Woe, is me
Whoa it's me
I've skipped a meal and now the voice in my head is screaming
"A collection of weapons
Brought to the masses
It pumps adrenalin
Into the veins of the caste system
Think outside the box"

Neotreric inklings are inbound
During my wall gazing

I know what I must do, I have the tools
I am calm, I feel it calling and I see the path
I catch a glimpse
I grasp the concepts of existence
I practice and become aware

Now I play my flute and ride the white ox home

I omit efforts
It come naturally
It always has

A weeping walking stick
Carved with love into a marionette

Brought to life with a magic wand

Kicked him and ran away
Had him thrown in jail

Swatted away the chirping insect

Fell asleep by the fire
Woke up with my feet scorched off

He freed
And fashioned me new feet and fed me a pear

Books for my first day
Traded for ticket for the show

Earned five golden coins

Hung upside down by a fox and a feline
The enchantress saved me and tells me not to lie

Robbed and thrown in prison
Bailed out by a chicken farmer

Watching out for weasels
And given my freedom

He’s not home, he made a boat to search for me
I must find him and throw myself into the sea

Hard work has brought me flesh
Now I’m on an island of careless fun

I begin to resemble an ***
He hawing off a cliff

Swallowed by a fish only to find him
We are safe but he is sick

The enchantress comes once more
He is well and I’m a real boy

It fits the game
Timed perfectly
Same keys some screens don’t work
Everything’s already unlocked
I lost myself in the sheets
I begin to wander
When you are lost you find yourself
When you hail the lights
The sack has come undone
Everything is as it is
Becoming a swaying shelter

Keep on running
Run to the horizon
A flash of light at the speed of sound
Fallow, the hallow
Like a whistle in the wind
The western wind is blowing in a direction we can't comprehend
First one goes, then the other
Followed by the negative number
Just a hop, skip and a jump
Trickling down the waterfall
Earth's mother will crown me king on the way down

My lord, the lady of death approaches
She brings a note unfolding the plans
Of your untimely assassination
A shroud of blackness surrounds your chambers
No locks can prevent her from entering

Your eyes widen as you read
The message, so detailed, so terrifyingly distressing
Holding on to the last moments
So this event can never transpire

She turns
And walks

Heels tapping every step

Leaving you in a state of fear and angst
You don’t have much time

The seconds draw the minutes closer
Dragging your expiration along with is

A premonition
A prediction or maybe a hidden mission

Plotting the downfall of our king
A revolt a mutiny, a revolution
"Guard the doors!",  it won’t do any good

Panicking, twitching, sobbing, break down
And cry on the floor pleading to the gods
“No, no let it not be true!”

You look in the mirror and think

“This war, the famine, the toil in our kingdom and country it falls on me”

Before you even realize there’s a problem, death comes upon you

Never getting a chance to right your wrongs to redeem yourself

The note reads:
“The time has come. The time has come. A deal was made and our end is complete now you must hold your end.  One thousand breaths for a seat on the throne, when the sun goes down on this day your soul shall be taken.”

Oh why, why, why?
What a terrible bargain that was made
This poor man cannot be saved
For he has signed his named
And now he’ll die in shame

The lady shall return at dusk
Do not let her pass the gates

He writes letters of goodbye to the queen and their children
He says to me “you my most loyal and trusted subject, stay with me in my final hours. Pass on my story. A tale of deception and agony. Please don’t leave me.”

I nodded and agreed

The final hour of sun was coming to an end
The time has come

He sits staring out the window
His back turned to me, he prays

I brandish a long dagger
Place my hand on his shoulder rubbing in a friendly reassurance all will be well

He looks back at me, screams, jumps up and out of the window to his death
The transaction was complete

Now the lady of death comes for me
Contracts
Contracts

It was a five finger discount
Just a benign theft
It wasn't hurting anyone
Besides, it was going to look good in my breakfast nook

I put on my "cross your heart" seat belt and jetted home
It was a beautiful coffee mug crafted by Incas
It wasn't like I looted the store

I now refer to it as my stolen-Incan made-oversized coffee mug

But I guess I should have seen the warning label

"ATTENTION THIEF, THIS MUG IS CURSED BY ANCIENT SPIRITS! AND IF YOU DARE KEEP THIS MUG ALL THINGS DRANK OUT OF IT WILL CAUSE YOU HORRIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING"

Now every time I have my morning coffee it either tips over on to my lap or gives me a sudden case of the runs

Let's stay in today
With movies
And blankets
And us, there's nothing we need to say

Laying in my arms
I'll never let you go
There is no one else
I would want to hold

Let's stay in today
Let's kiss until
Junes turns into May

Laying in your arms
I already know
That you are mine
And I'm yours
That I'm sure of

Let the house burn down
We will sleep safe and sound
I want to expire together
And be with you forever

Let the flames eat us alive
I'll die with your hand in mine
I want to expire together
And be with you forever

Lets stay in today
And do anything
And everything
We can think of

Laying in my bed
A dream came to my head
But you took the words out of my mouth
And you said it instead

Let the house burn down
We will sleep safe and sound
I want to expire together
And be with you forever

Let the flames eat us alive
I'll die with your hand in mine
I want to expire together
And be with you forever

Mine is a love that will never fade

Cleaning the pan when it's still hot
Look at my life see what it is and what it's not

And even with all the lights on
My cluttered room is still very very dark

Night vision goggles would be nice
So I can figure out how to rearrange my life

My girls gone
But I'll be alright

Family's stressed
And moneys tight

So on edge
Won't lose this fight

Looking for help
There's none in sight

People around me are such fools
An adjustable wrench is a more useful tool

My grades in school don’t even exist
All that money they paid down the toilet like ****

But at least I still got my health
Oh wait I ***** when I eat, cant breathe oh well

My girls gone
But ill be alright

Family's stressed
And moneys tight

So on edge
Won't lose this fight

Looking for help
There's none in sight

Stop your whining
Stop your lying

You're in control
So fulfill your roll

There's not much time
Now save your own life

My girls gone
But I'll be alright

Family's stressed
And moneys tight

So on edge
Won't lose this fight

Gotta help myself
And save my life

I have been swindled!
They took my bags at check-in but never gave me a room key
Now I'm back home mailing packages to myself
And writing a negative review of that place to put a blemish on their record

Back to headquarters
This it your last chance
I will not allow myself to get hoodwinked on this deal
This is an open letter

Dear Ocean Foam Resort,

When I stayed at your place of rest and relaxation the first time it wasn't that bad. I mean, the neighbors we're louder than anything. And the people above me aired out their ***** laundry on the balcony every morning while i was trying to drink my coffee. I recall hearing the wife confessing that she was cheating on her husband with a co-worker to her mother over the phone. I can also recount two God awful parents I saw by the pool, they let their children scream and run around disturbing the other guests. Actually they let the run around so much and I guess never fed them, because one of them got light headed and passed out into the deep end of the pool. One of your staff members had to save her because the parents we're bust sun bathing. Then there was the man below me, he wasn't a bad person. Far from it but he had to be the most unfortunately hideous people I've ever seen. He had skin tags on his eye lids, warts on his neck, boils on his legs and arms. Then there was the constant disturbances coming from the late teen- early twenty-something year old guests. They were on what seemed like a two week drinking binge. Blasting music all night, having too many people come to their room and having all night long ******. The head pounding music, the worrisome benders and the moaning that went on until the early morning was too much for me. I'm saying this as a guest who has been to your resort for the past seventeen years every year, the first chance you get tear down your place of business because it has become a rat hole where no one should go or ever be near. Now you've stolen my luggage and refused to give it back to me and you have refused to let me stay in your resort. But I'm happy about that after rethinking it, keep the luggage and go **** yourself. So, Ocean Foam Resort enjoy falling apart and going out of business.

Sincerely,

Ron Dempsacot

She wore white satin lace
Her graceful charm, that face
Looked fierce, like she didn’t care
I’ve never seen one just like her
She’s one in a million rare
Both pairs of eyes met, we knew this was it
We’ve fallen under that spell we had denied for so longs
My heart is usually stone
And this warm feeling makes me scared

My mind is blank
My heart has stopped
And my tongue is tediously tied
We laugh and talked all night
Kissed and cried till the morning’s light
Lost in her essence until dawn
No one and nothing can take away
The moment that we had shared

My tongue is let loose
My heart is pounding
My mind is gone
Will we have tomorrow?
Neither of us will ever know
Unless the other decides to speak up
She’s not talking, so it’s me whose got to ask
But I ask myself, “Do I dare?”
       -Tommy Johnson

Roll down slowly on the back of the night
Doesn’t feel right
On the turnpike

Take a quest to the out of sight
Doesn’t feel right
Senseless fright

Dimensions of joy
Dimensions of spite
It’s too heavy no it’s alright
Roll down slowly on the back of the night
It feels so right
It feels so right
It feels so right
It feels so right

Dimensions of joy
Dimensions of spite
It’s too heavy no it’s alright
Roll down slowly on the back of the night
It feels so right
It feels so right
It feels so right
It feels so right

I've been caught
But I'm not
Should of thought
Hawk eyes gawk
I've been caught red handed

I'm so scared
They don't care
It's not fair
They sit and stare
I'm a scared yellow belly

So  I'm running
And they're gunning
Hear them coming
This ain't funny
I'm running with cold feet

Awkward silence
Take advantage
Treacherous
Times tables

Royal tea
Sonar submarines
The perfect crime
Placebo dream

Never apologized for how you feel
Or the time you were galvanized
You don't think
Or feel about that

Water the lawn so it won’t die
Passed out in the dandelions
Compose yourself and blaze a trail
Splatter it on the easel

Crack of lightning
False doors lead to nowhere
Can I pull this off?
No sense in not trying

Take what you need
And keep it forever
For it's all you have
All you need for a life time

Throw it and run
A tearful good bye
Trash and compost falling from the skies
I leave a note to explain

Re writes
Re write
I can’t bring myself to
Scribble regretful ink onto
An unforgiving paper
Smoke fills the room
Screaming, blind fear
Say goodbye hide run and hide
       -Tommy Johnson

It’s almost never too late
We’ll be safe here

Lick it shut
Blend in with the padlocks

It has stopped
For now
Brick layered
Vent away

It will never be the same
Security abandoned
Unfathomable evolution
Genetic paint job

Stuck
Waiting frantically
For our savior
The key to a fire
Is a relentless urge to burn

It’s happening
My imperfections
Clocked In at high speed
Surfacing my conscious mind

Swerve through the wreckage
The waste piled high
The wheels spin
I’ve got it I’m here

Methuselah went gallivanting around town with some *******. When a mysterious person with a bag on their head with the word "Yuck" on it crossed their path. The person began to inform them all about the dark arts and practical black magic.
And attempted to peddle stolen his and her towels to them. Passing it off as homemade genuine hand crafted cloths . When they were just used rags with faded embroidering on them.
Neither Methuselah or his ******* had the wherewithal to purchase the lousy linens.
Methuselah showed the Bag-headed person his empty pockets.
The person shook their head in affirmation and took the bag off to reveal the face of a woman with no eyebrows and the number "96403" on her left cheek.
She put the towels in the bag and went on her way. The ******* and Methuselah went to a motel that night to get busy .
The young man at check in said he was sorry because there were no towels in their room.
To both their surprise two bags were there hanging on the rack instead.
One said "Odium", the other said "Pang".
 
       -Tommy Johnson

Osama Bin Laden is alive and well
Oh yes, get that through your head
I had a drink with him last week

Yup

Him and his ***** beard and pouting lips
His turban ***** with sand and infidel's blood
He is alive
He will never die
He is the face of
Indestructible terror

He lives in our propagandized paranoia
In our over protective uncertainty
In The White house
In The House of Representatives
Kicking back on Capital Hill
And on television

Telling us to be scared, to watch our backs
And take our knuckle dragging redneck ***** out of here
And we're afraid
Afraid of another attack
Of the economy failing
Of unemployment
Of new ideas

We must progress
**** it up, bury our losses
Go forward and actually care to carry on
Or face an eternity of being frightened by our own shadows

Osama Bin Laden is alive and well

We got a god thing going here
We got gun runners and *** runners
Nice and furtive
I will not go to the penitentiary
I'll get a face lift if I have to

She knows too much
Give her a party favor
That represents our colonial ways
Gingivitis
It's a hoot
Halitosis

Pass the ammunition
No flash photography
Bump some coke
Before the search and seizure
Of puzzled looks

Some can't deal with this safari maze
Mutter a prayer for human error
It's first come first served
A double helix goodie-bag
Stomp the home schooled henchmen
Mace them and throw the grenade
It's too close for comfort

And that's the gist of it

Pick a stance and stay there
But I can’t because I can see both sides
Where they come from and why
So my decision may take awhile to become final
I’m a hypocrite because I do what I say not to do but why?
I am not true to myself at time when I speak
I doubt my emotions and thoughts
I enjoy breaking rules, even my own
I am as curious as anything
But are those excuses? I don’t know
Trying to rationalize and justify my lack of self discipline
Does that make me less of a person or more of who I really am?
I feel sick; my health isn’t what it used to be
I’m failing my classes; that never changed, just got worse
I’m becoming who I am, who should I be?
I should be me
I could lie to myself and say “be the best me!”
But that wouldn't make me happy
I’d do it because I’d feel like I should
So I’d be a hypocrite and lie to myself
So I’ll keep what morals and values and feelings that have stuck to me and flow on in life trying my best to be true
       -Tommy Johnson

Devils and mercenaries
Dislocated shoulders
Second hand panic
Static cling

Visions broadening perception
Decrepit linoleum houses
Men in the front yard, *****
Crawling in search of a fix and some pants
Viles of junk, baggies of powder
An unexpected destiny of agony
Forced to dress up to please a higher society

They won’t let me go
With all the information I know
The despicable disciple’s pillars of animosity and distain toward the rebellious over flow

Never a hunter always a prisoner
The bounty is huge for this lone survivor
Two lunatics in a rubber room
One claims to be captain of a magic carpet
The other believes his skin is on inside out
Both sunburned and daffy

Her armada of refusal of failure goes unmatched
Even my resistance is unparalleled to hers

Electric shocks, water torture, brands, beatings, lashings and floggings
My beard is torn from my face

We will not surrender our splendid fascinations of the galaxy for you provincial ideals of pain and suffering to teach the divine path to enlightenment
How sadistic

We both lay silent and prepared
****** and bruised
Devising the slaughter of their brutal oppressive cult

I used to have a women so vain
Lashed out in cruelness and repressed her own pain
A darkened festered soul
I dare not speak her name
And she only has her self to blame

She came to my door
She was slashed and trembling
She didn't need to speak
I could read her rather clear, within six months

An extensive time of healing
Of overwhelming feelings
I did all that I could do
Then she turned to me and said "I love you"

Then we were through

What could I do?

Two years, by her side
Her heart of frozen fire
And the lies she told
With the mouth of treason
Left without reason

Valentine
I ran to the woods
I lost my mind
Her shadow was no more
She is gone

Her parents keep her spoiled
Her friends keep her drunk
And the world, forgets about her
And she knows it, she hates it
But she craves for attention

Yet she remember our time
The times and patience
Our ventures into tears and laughs
And all the experiences we ate

Now I reside in the mountains
And she lives by the shore
We don't speak
But we've moved on

And I'm still standing
And she's still mad
I did my best

I feel the spirits of the world around me
Going insane, craving, sporadic and tense
Incompetent leaders yearning for another million dollar investment
Disregarding the question of right and wrong

We are given life
We are given our lives
Then we are told
What the way to live our lives has been for years

You get a name
You learn a language
You hear the rules
You follow for you do not know any better

Belief and faith
Guided by a deity
But the virtues and morals placed on me
I do not believe so

No religion or cult has proof or disproof
They believe what they believe

Symbols have different meanings in different eyes

Parallel philosophies in different lives

From witchcraft
To a black mass

A hanging cross
Paradise lost

Psychics and telepaths
Seems hokey

But it’s possible it sounds to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Well, the beholder might be blind

Or maybe we’re not in the universal mind
I believe in giving everything a chance
Taking what makes sense to me
And kindly placing down what I can’t dig

I know my affection for her is something that could be mistaken for lunacy
My urgent yearning may seem desperate
I’m infatuated with all her actions, approaches and bold tendencies

What do you think?

Can’t you see?
Passionate insanity

I strive to be her guiding guardian
Her undeniable beauty

Even when she’s leaving and a trail of hopeless anger blended with frustrated disgust follows
Because I know she’ll be back and she knows I’ll be here waiting

All of my soul
All of my life
All of myself
All of my love

All of the times
And the tell tale signs
This girl is rare
As we stare fondly into each other’s hearts

I feel as though I'm different than the people my age that I see in the bars and clubs I go to

Not better, just not like them
Maybe lesser, I don't know

I don't dress like them
I don't listen to all the same music as them
Or even into the same movies as them

I wear Italian leather Beatle boots
They wear Nikes or Jordans
I listen to Bob Dylan or The Mountain Goats
They're into whatever rapper or dj is hot right now
They're talking about American ******
And I'm still trying to wrap my head around Inland Empire and The Holy Mountain

And it's not the fact that we don't have similar interests
It's the fact that we have nothing to actually talk about or bond over

I have problems meeting people and making friends
I even have problems keeping friends

I'll tell you why
I lose friends because I see people for who they are
I observe and I listen
I'll even call someone out if I've had my fill
Or I'll do something they don''t like
Not on purpose, I just **** them off

This one time when I was younger I had this "friend" and he asked m for five bucks
Now, this kid and I wee not close at all so I said no
Then I bought a drink  or something
And the next thing I know he's calling me grimy because I had money to give him but I didn't

It was then and there I realized the concept of the phrase "people ****"

People ****
We all say that
But why?
Because when someone does something to us that we would rather not have them do we automatically put them in the category of "****"

Oh you ****
He *****
They ****

We say that because they're not doing what we'd prefer them to do
Like hang out with us
Or do us a favor
Or keep a secret
Or lend money

But there is a ratio of suckage

The sucakge of someone's person depends on their history of things they've ****** at

If someone ***** at being on time, they're not really hurting you directly
They just can't get their **** together and by now you should prepare for that
So there isn't really any harm done

But someone who acts like a friend, gets on your good side, gains your trust and makes you feel comfortable enough to let your guard down just a bit
Then turns around and bad mouths you to people
Puts word in your mouth
Even make up lies about you
That persons suckage is outta here

And that kind of experience can make a person a tad wary in social situations
Bringing me back to my main point
That I feel a sting of separation between me and my peers whenever I go out

We're all twenty something
We're all out to have a good time

Then why do I feel so inadequate?
Maybe because I'm self conscious of my appearance?
Maybe because I'm not that tall, five foot ten is the average right?
Maybe because I feel like a loser for being at a two year community college for four years because I ****** up because I went through a bad break up and went into a drug induced spiral while dating someone who I used to make the person who broke up with me jealous and at the same time enabled me to further my drug use and care free attitude to rock bottom until I realized where I was and broke up with that person, got over the first person and met someone who made me a better me and gave me the confidence to  move forward
Maybe it's because I depend on relationships too much

And that's another thing
I'm with someone
But I go out to bars and clubs with the desire to possibly meet women
What the **** is with me?
That's wrong
Isn't it?
Could I be a polygamist
Maybe I'm just a selfish ******* who thinks with his ****

Maybe it's because I'm twenty one, still living at home with my mom and dad and don't really pay for ****
I work at a middle school in my town as a janitor part time for $10.25 an hour
Four hours a day five days a week
Most kids are either living at school and graduating by now
Or working and living on their own

Should I stop comparing myself to everyone?
Yes
Should I just keep trying to better myself?
Yes
Should I let the past be the past and learn from it?
Yes
Will I?
I'm making an effort to

I hate being where I am in my life right now
I'll tell you man it's been a long road and I'm sure you've had a long road too
And I feel for you even if I don't know you or have even ever spoke with you
Because we're all human
We all share this world
So why not?

You know maybe I am different
Maybe I am a little weird
Maybe I have a few issues
Maybe I am socially inept
Maybe I do **** because I;m not doing what I wish I was doing
Good!

That means I'm not complacent
Not that I'm ungrateful or anything
But I want more for myself and I deserve it
We all do

Some people say I'm the kind of guy who isn't happy unless I'm miserable
Well they could be right
Or maybe I just haven't found what makes me happy
But I intend to

Mimes and clowns
Jesters and jokers
Making their rounds
To the chimney chain smokers

All walks of life
In chronological order
Bashful and blushing
Prepositions of stringless intimacy
Hellbent to find release

It's all folly
It's a misguided preface
The ongoing destruction of agriculture
Living under power lines
Filter feeding

Edit that
It consists of accessible ideas
"I ain't pointing fingers
I ain't naming names
But if the shoe fits
You can't call it a blame game"

Polishing off a bottle of Pinot Noir
As per usual

       -Tommy Johnson

I'm the reclusive wreck-loose
Who's about to let loose
And instigate and substantiate the fact that society's narrow mindedness is there for us to instantiate that we ourselves have to promote understanding and antiquate hate
Accidents happened and mistakes were made

They take a sardonic look at the schematics of a systematic syncopated symmetry    
They say we dare not deviate from the Fibonacci Sequence
But to matriculate
And be quick on the uptake
Then add ourselves to the division of labour

I make empirical claims to disarm ephemeral things
Fashion
Technology
Music
Life as a whole
But then I'm the *******
They salt the songbird's tail
Clipping the properties of personality

"Bide your time so you don't do anything foolish and bite your tongue so you don't say anything you may regret"
But this is this part of the cocoon effect  
Waiting to see all the failed racists
After this metaphysical metamorphosis
So modern
So contemporary
It's classic
Soon to be ancient
The adages and aesthetic aphrodisiacs

'Who do you want to be when you grow up?"
"What do you want to be when you grow up"

"I want to be civilization as you know it..or as you like it"

Peradam-  Something that shows itself to those who truly seek it.

Here I lie
The smirking contradiction
The creative destroyer
And I never sang in tune
Born to die
Be burdened and be a burden
Steal the glory
There I am, walking away from the cosmos
My tears puddle in a mason jar
I touch a quilt and I hear the voices of sullen souls
Am I loved?

The premature blackout
Covers the affluent socialites
The abysmal hate and animosity within the commoners
The untouched young and their purity
Forevermore
But in darkness we're all equal, we're all equally blind
Money means nothing
Appearance is invalid
The words you speak are what make you precious
And it wasn't until the now this truth came to surface

The ones behind the guns hide behind a barrel loaded with flimsy intimidation
The ones standing on the edge of reason are just kids who never got enough attention
Tricked into living a life that leads them to a destination that was not meant to be their own destiny
And that living proof is about to die

Grief and shame come undone
You place the blame on the one who is the cause
You're ashamed but won't shed a tear
Because you live with the fear of letting things out
But now your filled with doubt
All because you bottle up everything

Breathe

It all looks like win or lose
Too many may look like too few
Some have mercy, some strike true
Some leave their enemies to stew
Paralyzed until their lives are through
Some just strive to make peace with themselves

Jaded outbursts are first to fall
And cause arrogant to sprawl
Across the globe, desecrate it all
Decorate it wall to wall
Demonstrate their gutless gall
To dehumanize the masses
And denounce the value of life and faith

You have a choice between eternal damnation
Or a consecrated salvation
But through spiritual education
You gain a certain inclination
To obtain information
And build your own road with out regard to heaven light or hell fire

Decide

Commercials fill your head with ****
Say they can sell you charm and wit
Hand you all your desired possessions
Stare at the screens you drool and sit
With your scratch and sniff ticket hoping to win
As experience and opportunity leave without saying goodbye

You calm your soul, it's immortal
There is no foe to great or tall
Your'e all you need you have it all
But then another soul causes you to fall
To your knees in worship and you crawl
This is love, the desire to put two and two together and somehow make one

But then you ask "who am I?
You glare at the ground and stare at the sky
You ask what, where, when, how and why
Sort the truth from the lies
And figure out it's not something that defines but something that you defy
Because it isn't what you do it's who you are that really matters

Relax

Look at those with narrow minds
Who obey all the misleading signs
Who blindly sign their names on the dotted line
Thinking they'll be safe and it will all be fine
If they just stay in line for a life time
And never question a single thing except why they never got where
they wanted to be

Some will stick up their nose
Toward anyone who does oppose
Their beliefs or doesn't wear designer clothes
Because to them they are those
Kind of people the Lord hasn't chose
But then they'll go to church on Sunday and pray for eternal life then go out and treat people like they're below them

Then there are people who have nothing
Stuffed with gin and ***** stuffing
Victims of others bluffing
Sit on the streets puffing and huffing
But I feel like they know something
What it means to have no where else to but up because they're already at rock bottom

Be

The new born babies have not a clue
The kids only know what they want to do
The teenagers hormones brew
The young adult's forget everything they thought they knew
And the old are in shock that they've made it through
Hopefully in the end we'll all get what we came for

People these days are afraid to be wrong
Scared to admit they're not that strong
Searching for a place to belong
Sing the song of contradiction
Because only a fool doesn't change their opinion when new information is given

My soul, my mind, my body and heart
Feel the evil finger pick apart
The lives of the faithful and their art
Tossing heat-seeking darts
At those begging for a fresh start
I cannot take it, no one dares ask to see both sides of the story

Imagine

My 3rd eye has seen
All the dimensions
But it was just a glance
Of all the possibilities

Everything’s clean and clear
Nothing to hate nothing to fear

Construct ideas of over joy
Eliminate inner animosities
Along with what you don’t need
Perception is cleaned

Everything’s clean and clear
Pains disappeared pleasure is near

Nobody can’t see me
Everybody is so needy
They can’t we can’t I can’t die

The beauty in the world
Brings energy to me
I’m so grateful
Happy just to be

Everything’s clean and clear
Yes it’s strange yes it’s weird

I know you’ll reject
But you’ll regret
Not looking
Through the glass

There’s no fate
Futures mine
Everything’s clean and clear
Breathing in the sweetest air
Clean and clear

You all tell me to get help, I can do it on my own
I've been there and back and history will show
The is not the first time, I promise I’ll be fine
They all try to help, I can do this on my own

Try to find the cause, my stressor
The annoy and pry, I fester
There ain't a thing
You can say to me
No doctor, pastor or professor

They're telling me to get help, I can do this on my own
I really hate to brag, there's something you lack, I already know
Tell me I need common sense, oh my family and my friends
They're telling me to get help, I can do this on my own

I ask myself, "who do you think you are?"
"And how did you get this far?"
"Your on the verge of losing your mind"
"Put this off for to long"
"On the edge of suicide"
"Just have your self a nice cry"

They told me to get help, I could do it on my own
I picked up the slack and now I’m back, coming back home
Is it some kinda disorder
Am I bipolar
Or am I just depressed?
I'm my own doctor

Get inside my mind
Lesser men have tried

I told myself to get help, I had no where else to go
Beaten and sad, confused I've gone mad, I'm about to blow
A massacre in my head, take six shots, go to bed
Will I ever be okay?
God I hope so

TV’s going in living room
Talking about our doom
We’re laying on the front lawn
Yesterday’s long gone
Woman showing skin
Too fat, too thin
She can never win
Throwing up yet again

Listen up man
We’re all ******
Re-repeating reprimands
Demolition on demand

Locate security
Trying to make camp
In independent infidelity
Strutting to the bank
Cashing in corrupted currency
Stock markets sank
Guitar man teary eyed
Rock and roll came and died
Record producer’s big old lies
Broken dreams and wasted time
Colorado Smokey Joe lights a bone
Faded out to the ozone
Smoking on home grown
Got glaucoma? Get an O

Shut up dude
We’re all *******
Forget the olden days
Give marriage to the gays

Let go of the narrow minded silly ways
Let it be as common as classic Frito-Lays
Rolling in the new waves
Is it God who really saves?
Is there even one big deity?
Guess there is if you believe

Be born, live life
Go to college, get a wife
Get job, sacrifice
It’s the norm, is it right?
Have a kid, then have another
Father, mother
Sister, brother
Try to tolerate each other

Watch your back bro
Because I don’t know
Undecided, undeclared
Run in circles, running scared

Take a risk, double dare
Love needs to be redefined
Unanimously agreed and signed
Peace in the heart and the mind
Going down the rabbit hole
Striving for that same goal
Anti- bullying campaign
Kid comes home blood stained
Toughen up
Enough's enough
Individuality
Opposing mainstream reality
Wiseman taken as a fool
Becomes another social causality

Feel it
Taste it
On the back of your tongue
Hanging by the gallows martyrs hung

Climbing up the ladder’s rungs
Foul smelling whiskey bums
Grab a *** and stash it
Looking like your bat ****
Steal a car and crash it
“Always wash your berries before you eat them and fly toward the sun”

Open your eye, rest and rise
Above, within the rondure
You are alive
Breathe in
Breathe out
Put your ear to the ground
It's alive
Hear them
The whispers of the world
They are moving
The message
The truth
The conscientious view
Zeros and ones
It is you
And you are it
As am I
Us are we
Stray from regret
Sidestep worry
Revel in today in all its brilliance
Create with passion
Right intention
Watch it grow and see it spread
Do we exist?
Holographic images
Eleven dimensions
Relative and subjective
       -Tommy Johnson

Hello
This is my doing
I guess you want me to answer for it
I will if I feel like it

Some say we all have the same sense of aimlessness
And we're preyed on by the leech behind the curtain

But I think we've gotten passed that
That could be my inner mantra mixed with ***** talking though

Turning my back to the confusion only to find that meaning has already found me
I look at the leaders, they only can make educated guesses
And we'll all know if they did the right thing years from now

I've never put my name in the hat for consideration
But I know I'll still get called when my turn comes

They can touch me and I can't deny what I've said or done
But they'll never lay a hand on the ideals and truths that are in each of us
I'm beyond grateful for knowing this

I may become old
I may become ill
I may starve and die but my creations will go on for eternity
Moments of pleasure
Moments of purity

I won't name names or cast stones
I won't chase paper or fall to my knees for guaranteed safety
That's why I'm here, legs crossed and mind silent
Spirit centered and flowing free

My adoration for the underdogs and stray cats
My respect for honesty and curiosity for experimentation
Have taught me invaluable lessons

Just give me a shot, I know I can make a difference
I can see both sides of the fence
I can see between the lines of supply and demand
I can see the blinks between life and death

There aren't many of us but there are more than before
Hopeful
Pushing for unity and looking for our face, our voice
We have our suspicions
But more than that we have love

Look out
Search on
Find me
I could be anywhere
In the frozen ever glade
Or in the sheets of your bed
Or on the beach in the shade

And I’ll try and find you
Until were together again
I swear I shall find you
As every day passes by, I lose my mind

My Prozac Princess
Shooting Kamikazes
I admit, I'm emotionally unavailable
You keep looking at the time
And you've become obstreperous
Looking for press coverage and putting the peanuts in size order
I go over your poorly hidden fragility
While I work the graveyard shift

Encroaching satellites
High voltage saturation and shade
And an obtuse synopsis of cognitive psychology

Condensing your threshold
Searching for hand outs
Ripping the railings out of the walls
In the stairwells in the doctor's office on the way to your colonoscopy  

Laying on the futon with and your therapist writing down everything you say
"Go on"
"Mhm"
"I see"
"How does that make you feel?"

Skid-marked underwear
Delving, dumpster diving for food
In the lonesome twilight
In the rippling rainstorm

People shelling out gripes
Squinting, doing a double take at you
Followed by a wavering tumult
They're gonna have you capped
That is, unless you purchase this love seat

       -Tommy Johnson

I don’t think I’m alone
I can’t see anyone
But I get the feeling I’m not the only one here
I hear their voices faintly
Making demands, suggestions and persuading
Telling me what I want and what I should do
And I agree
I want to ****
I want to steal
I want to get what I want by any means necessary
The bring up good points
“What will happen?”
“You’ll be fine”
“You can get away with it”
“It doesn’t matter”

Then there’s someone else saying
“No you love her!”
“No you don’t trust her!”
“No you’re wrong!”

I don’t know
I wish I knew
I want to hear my voice
No one else’s
My conscious is splitting in three
My id, my ego and super ego
And my body
Four into one being
Shut up
Let me breathe

The carbon copy told me he'd box my ears in if I didn't shut my mouth
His threat is concise
But I disregarded it entirely
Now I'm cockeyed
And entirely pumbled

Go on
Keep on dropping names
Insinuate that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth
We need another you like we need a hole in each of our heads

Show me precisely where you gave it to her good
Show me the love stains on the bed sheets
We're you shooting blanks?
I think so

I'm done with this guy and all this idle blathering and his besmirching of the reputations of people he doesn't even know

You gotta be kidding me Ms. Ogyny
That's why you hate yourself?
Because your have ******* and a ******?
You find it the most unforgivable sin
To be plagued by estrogen

Tell me Ms. Anthropic since we're on the topic
Why do you despise human kind?
What about them troubles your mind?
You think they're disgusting and not to be trusted
Someone or something made you this way, it must of

Life, life oh deadly life
It plays by the rules of day and night
I just wanna feel alive
And know, just know I'm doing right

But right alongside that feeling
There are times when I wanna die
I wanna be under the ground and sleep forever
There are time when I feel like that'd be better

So Ms. Ogyny I guess I see
Why you hate yourself because I hate me
I hate myself more than anyone else
I'm just a notch on Ms. Fortune's belt
Or maybe I'm just the welt

So Ms. Anthropic, I guess I'll drop it
Because I get where you're coming from
People are cruel, ill-mannered and inexplicably dumb
And from this cold hard fact I've become numb
I cannot wait for Kingdom Come

And I Mr. Fyde, wish I would die
Because now I realize how much I hate my life
I suffer from incredible self-dislike
The pain is obvious from the outside
And I say my goodbyes as I commit suicide

The baptist who also did circumcisions
Was filled with shame after being defiled
By someone he thought he new
Bashing his head against the stone walls

Crying
Sobbing
Laughing
Screaming
Convulsing
Dying
Dying
Dying

He came to see spirits coming
Running to whisk him away
To another plane
Of existence
They were transparent
Lustful ghosts with feet of flames

"Dance, dance, dance"
They yelled at him
"Dance on the graves of your mother
Dance on the grave of your father
Of your sister
Then on yours"

"How does it feel?
You like it?
Hows it taste?"

He snaped out of it and came at the spirits with a blessed gun
Filled with six sliver bullets that were dipped in holy water
"I know that death is not the end
This is not my end"
He said
"I know all the words and they speak for themselves, these are them"
PLOW
PLOW
PLOW

It's everywhere
But it's nowhere
On the wild side
On the other side
How does it look?
What's the name of the book?
What's it called?
The title of the book is "*******"

Ease it back
Just a bit
In the afternoon
By the mouth of the river
There used to be a tree of many colors
I rubbed my palms and fingers up and down its bark
And looked up to see
Within its branches
There was a fact

The fact that nothing lasts
A fact that things come and go
A fact things die and grow
You and everyone you've come to know

So there I was with the baptist
At the tree by the river
With the spirits coming from I don't know
We ran into the river
And cleansed ourselves of sin
All we did
And all we once were
Was wiped clean

The baptist fired his gun at his very own head
PLOW
His brains floated in the water
I cupped the salt water and blood
And drank it

I began to see doves flying over me in odd flight patterns
And the thought of fly came to me
To go
To go
To go


The cool water running down my throat
I laid back under the tree
The spirits gone
The gun in my hand
Nothing last for ever

I began to scream
"The opportunity!"
"The opportunity!"
"I've been cleaned!"
PLOW

No one ever found our bodies
No one ever came to the mouth of the river to see the tree

But somewhere
Someone has the gun with one bullet left
For either the spirits that chase them
Or themselves
I hope they know

You don't have to put up with the put downs
With the stubborn
With the skittish
Pushing buttons

Thumb your nose, far be it
For me to cut to the chase
To the same boat
It's out of the way

On and on, so on, go on

Go cold turkey, chain reaction
Taste of your own medicine
Be upfront, ride the coattails
Pen pal, inadvertently

On and on, so on, go on

In the crossfire
Of burning crosses

Down the hatch
With crosshatching

       -Tommy Johnson

Quincy Valero
Everybody’s best friend
Jet black hair
Shiny brown eyes
A boyish smirk
Standing six foot something
Coming out of catholic school agnostic
Attending state college

Every word that came out of his mouth was a riot
A funny story of a bad situation he was in that he can laugh at now
An awkward moment with a girl he tried to get in bed
God awful train rides with a clueless conductor

Quincy Valero
A wanna-be Casanova
The irish-italian self-proclaimed “Don Juan of Dumont”
Roaring down the suburb streets in his bright yellow mustang
From Bergen county to Trenton
Edgewater to Ewing
Bumping R&B; from the 90's

A main girl
A side chick
And a few back pocket broads
Leading them on
To where?
I’m not even sure he knows

Quincy Valero
My best friend since I’ve been here in Purgatory
My lifelong cellmate
My hetero life mate
My brother of second thought
Our token white boy

He’s had his ups
Wild ragers until day break
A four way with me and two girls in my four door sedan
He’s had is downs
Falsely charged with domestic abuse
Community service, endless court room hearings, suspensions and a whole bunch of nonsense

Quincy Valero
The quintessential example of the modern day male
Stays up all night
Sleeps all day
Opportunistic
Egotistical
Miserly
*****
And hungry

Always aching to put in his two cents
And leaving everyone in a howl of laughter
An Adderall popping
Seasoned drinker
A professional *** smoker, coached by yours truly
Fast talking baritone voice
With a half serious tone

Yes, Quincy Valero
The tight plain white t-shirt wearing
Chino sporting
Nostalgic, slightly racist, sexist, anti-semitic
Bust usually honest, friendly and apologetic
Good hearted dude we all love to hate
And hate to love

Bed-headed
Pajama bottom ***
Talking about his Svedka regrets
And we laugh and laugh and the stupidest things
Then remember events that seem so long ago
And then make plans for tomorrow
Yeah, one of my best friends
My oldest friend
That’s Mr. Quincy Valero