5

I have a Bird in spring
Which for myself doth sing—
The spring decoys.
And as the summer nears—
And as the Rose appears,
Robin is gone.

Yet do I not repine
Knowing that Bird of mine
Though flown—
Learneth beyond the sea
Melody new for me
And will return.

Fast is a safer hand
Held in a truer Land
Are mine—
And though they now depart,
Tell I my doubting heart
They’re thine.

In a serener Bright,
In a more golden light
I see
Each little doubt and fear,
Each little discord here
Removed.

Then will I not repine,
Knowing that Bird of mine
Though flown
Shall in a distant tree
Bright melody for me
Return.

Over the past year I have just learned a lot about this quest of mine for love.
I've cried a lot, made bad choices, but I've also grown a lot.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish I didn't crave affection.
I wish I didn't fall so quickly.
I wish that the fact that my heart is in a cage would mean that it is protected, but I've finally realized that all it is, is trapped and unable to break free.
It's a prisoner.
I'm captive to my own emotions and lately it's driving me crazy.
Because it's a broken record: I'm a great girl, I have respect for myself, I have the personality and a bit of the looks as well but for some reason these guys either don't see it or don't value it.
And I know that that means I shouldn't care for them but that's a hell of a lot easier to say than done.
The truth is I hate being sad about this one insignificant and tiny blip in my life when there is so much to be happy and grateful for.
And then I'm angry because I'm sad and I feel like I can be in a crowded room and yet alone and then I start to find all of the reasons to legitimize being angry perhaps when they aren't even good reasons.
I feel like I'm so happy in a lot of ways but sad in some of the ways I want to be happy.
And there is always a reason for me to not be with someone.
Always.
And before it was always me in the way but now it's them, they don't want me.
And I know that I'm priceless and I know that I'm worth all of the stars and combustible helium and dust in this galaxy but it's really hard to believe something is up in the sky when all you see is the ground and sometimes I just can't muster up that kind of faith.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the poem I wish I could write and other times I'm just so **** tired of being the poet because for once I just want to be someone's poem.
And I know that they say that when you're broken that is how the light gets in but it also allows for shadows and I'm growing to hate the darkness.
Every bit of happiness I feel lately turns out just to be just like a stone thrown into water and it's impossible to avoid the ripples, and they remind me that I have no control and must go with the flow and I'm tired of going against the current.
And god knows I wish I had the confidence to walk across a room and know that I am something worth having but it's hard when subpar is what you're used to.
And I'm slowly coming to find the word empty to be ironic because in reality, this emptiness has never felt so heavy.
It's hard to stand tall when you do and you fall and you also realize parts of you are made of glass.
And it's the scariest thing to admit that in some ways you're broken because broken things never truly get fixed.
They find a "new normal" and maybe I'm old fashioned but I like some things to stay the same.
And I know that there are storms in my eyes and electricity in my lips but **** it I think the pain is worth it.
I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what happens when everyone is blind?
And what scares me the most is putting these thoughts into words because tongues always cut the deepest.

Here is what I am:
a survivor whose sun-soaked back tans
darker than her porcelain face;
trauma traps like wet concrete ‘round ankles,
dried shackles facing only shadows.

And a jackhammer would break the mold,
but not before shaking me up hard--
all crises stirred together, and my ribs
shrinking beneath sandbag weight,
breath heavy as blood’s penny-coin

odor; and I am suspended, head back
to face the rising light burning slurred
memories, blackened silhouettes, gone--
my face washed warm and
golden in the inevitable morning.

This poem is for everyone who is reading it at midnight.
It's hard to be encouraging to you.
I'm writing this at midnight.
I can't sleep, either
The never ending rush of existence that lives inside of you,
I feel it
I feel it, too
At night I become a display case,
Showing everyone every shred of me
Every brutal scar that my clothing couldn't hide
Covered up by waking up
Or the clock striking seven,
Forcing another sleepless night
Slowly begining to fade the nightmares from before
Nightmares aren't dreams, they're memories
I show them on my skin like tatoos
All night,
I try and hand my consciousness to you
All night,
I try to convince myself there is a reason to wait for tomorrow
All night I face self loathing and terror
Every night I wish I weren't alone
Some nights,
I remember that I'm not

All is well and all is good
at least I think it all should
but time comes and time goes
and leaves me feeling heavy woes

A forgotten memory, remembered
A lost moment, found

We think that we can all escape
but we merely mask our thoughts with drapes
No matter the reason or the rhyme
everything is exposed by Father Time

I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring,  miles growing

I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul

I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations

I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me

I enjoy distance
It gives perspective
Emancipation

I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course

My heart is black
it has no reflection
but reveals my thoughts,
my pain and rejections.

My heart is black
and my blood runs cold.
I remember the past
back when I wasn't as bold.

My heart is black
my patience is thin.
Where are you God?
Why can't I win?

My heart is black
yet your light shines.
The cure for my darkness
sent from the heavens divine.

My heart is black
but our friendship grows.
I see the light
come on lets go.