Somewhere around here, I learned to speak through silence.
Probably when our hearts loved each other truly.
Just heartbeats in the eyes, teasing and sweet replies,
in the yard of my soul now a tear started to flow.

On my cheek crystal beads are dripping stronger,
the ice inside me is melting and it has no idea
that he wants you to stay! Don't go! Wait a little longer!
Today is about Us and we're climbing up to Ave Maria.

But my heart is spreading mute unspoken words without control,
you're not here, and there's no one to listen to my thoughts
how a He and a She is melting into an amazing whole,
they want the same Tomorrow looking to each other's hearts.

So, spread seeds of dreams on my lips until morning,
and I'll taste you, breathe you, I'll be your virtuous singer
singing at the wedding of the butterflies in the stomach
and convert your black into an immaculate white in the winter.

Just lie to me nicely, tell me you're gonna love me in tears
until the white flakes of old age will begin to fall acute,
even if we are pressed by the weight of many years,
we should want more in life, not to remain mute.

i am grateful you
didn't know the fissures
that seized our ancient kingdom

our two atop the marriage mount.

there were many reasons
for the fault, of course, many players
whispering at court, chipping the stone, but i have  

an imperceptible bias for these things

and flatteries of lesser pawns
that played on vanity and power and prowess—
the virulence kings—were nails and nail and nails

that cracked the stone on which we sat.

who knows what fossils can be made of shards of us?

I can only remember very few liberating moments in my life:

That one time when my dad got mad because I sneaked out of the house to buy candy and when I went back to the house, he was crying. It was the first time that I saw him cry.

That time when I heard Earthmover live for the first time and it was raining hard. I was contemplating about my life, the future with a friend. Asking ourselves what might happen to us in 5 years. That was 2012 and I wish I had it all figured out by then. I was also drunk.

That time when I caught my first wave. I felt free and alive for the first time. I was so stoked, I almost cried as I paddled back to the lineup. Then I pigged out afterwards.

And that time when I went on a date with a stranger. Nothing super fancy, no pressures. A date that lasted for 8 hours. Went to work the next day with literally no shut-eye but my heart was happy.

A few months from now, I am going to marry that guy. Nothing fancy, but there will be a lot of *****, definitely. I’ll be marrying the guy who made me feel the exact same feeling when I caught my first wave, alive. I still haven’t figured everything out, and I guess I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay.  And how I wish I could see my dad cry when he sees me in my white dress. But that's something that would never happen.

as a young girl
I told my mother
I would never get married
and I stuck by that
for years

I got a boyfriend
but I knew
I was never
going to
actually
marry him

but as time goes on
and I get older
and people around me
are getting married
and starting lives
I keep listening to love songs
and noticing
what I want
in a husband

and I am not one
to settle
or settle down
but I made a
google doc
devoted to songs
I want played at my wedding
even though
I've never wanted
a wedding

my loneliness keeps creeping
in
watching me
but
I've finally
succumbed to it
and I want
to make it go away

and for the first time
in my ever expanding
life
I want to stop being alone
and can't stop pondering
childlike
dream wedding
fantasies

****

"So mum," I face her, "If I told you that I was to get married underwater, would you still come?"
"Of course," she says calmly, "I will be the one chanting for the Kraken to come get you."
"Some mum you are!"
"Who told you to marry in a watery hell?" She looks at me, blank-faced.

Ilang taon akong nabulag sa paniniwalang kailangan mo munang makaranas ng sakit bago mo makamit ang tunay na ligaya.
Na ang bawat luha ay may katumbas na galak, na ang bawat gabi ng pighati ay may pangako ng isang masayang umaga.

Ilang taon akong nakipagsapalaran sa pagibig na mapagpanggap. Kaliwa't kanang kabitan, walang katapusang kasinungalingan.
Pagibig na sa harap ng madla ay puno ng kilig at lambing. Ngunit sa ilalim ng mga yakap at mga halik ay ang mga pasa at sugat na dulot ng masasakit na salitang sing talim ng bagong hasang lanseta.

Ilang taon akong nasanay sa kalungkutan, walang kadaladala. Sugod ng sugod sa labang alam ko namang sa bandang dulo ay ako ang uuwing talunan. Pilit akong kumapit sa mga maling tao. O tamang tao sa maling pagkakataon. O sa akala ko'y tamang tao pero hindi naman ako gusto. Sakit no?

Ilang taon akong sumugal sa mga relasyong walang kasiguraduhan, sa pagibig na "pwede na", kahit alam ko sa sarili kong walang patutunguhan. Minsan nga kahit wala nang kakabit na emosyon basta lang may pantawid sa tawag ng laman pinapatos ko ng walang pagaalinlangan.

Ilang taon akong pansamantalang nakisilong sa iba’t ibang tahanan. Na sa una’y buong puso ang pagtanggap ngunit sa bandang dulo ay walang habas din akong pinagtabuyan palabas.

Ilang taon? Hindi ko na mabilang. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang taon akong nagtapang tapangan na suungin ang mga tila panibago na namang disgrasyang maaari kong kaharapin sa proseso ng paghahanap ng tunay na ligaya. Isang pagibig na may pangako ng walang hanggan.

Hanggang sa... napagod na ako. Sa wakas, napagod na ako. Napagod na akong kwestyunin ang kalawakan sa kung bakit palagi na lang akong pumapalya sa pagibig. Napagod na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong buksang muli ang puso ko sa susunod na estrangherong magsasabing “hindi kita sasaktan, peksman mamatay man”

At Unti unti kong napagtanto na sa ilan taon kong paghahanap ay ako, ako ang nawala.

At nahanap mo ako.

Ikaw ang naging sagot sa bawat tandang panong na ibinato ko sa kalawakan sa loob ng maraming taon. Tinuldukan mo ang lumbay at ipinamukha sa akin na hindi ko kailangang masaktan para makamtan ang tunay na ligaya. Na kailanma'y hindi ako dapat lumuha dahil sa hinagpis. Hindi ka nangakong hindi mo ako sasaktan, ngunit ipinadama mo sa akin ang  ang masarap **** pagaalaga. Pagaalagang hindi kailangan malaman ng iba para mapatunayan na bukal sa loob ang hangarin. Binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para muling magtiwala.

... Ng lakas na sayo ay kumapit at ipadama sayo ang init at gigil ng pagibig na ni minsan ay hindi ko naipadama sa sinoman. Binigyan mo ako ng pagasa... ng dahilan para muling maging matapang.


At ngayon, sa unang pagkakataon.
Buong tapang kong ipagsisigawan sa buong mundo na palangga ta ka. Na handa na ako sa pagsisimula ng isang bagong paglalakbay kasama mo mahal ko. At oo, oo ang naging sagot ko.

went to a wedding
a straight white wedding
full of straight white people
who lean to the left
I was an island there
floating
a small gay resort
watching the rituals
thinking of color

now we can marry
mine would be different
full of living color
no purity of white
but the shocking hue
that is hot pink
guests in their getups
would leave
dull at the door

there'd be open flames
burning bright
orange haired boys
serving the drinks
projections of past love
lighting the walls

and only 60 seconds of silence
to honor the vows
then back to the dancing
and on with the show