I know
why we close our eyes
when we kiss:
so that we never see things
close enough
to realize
the truth

*nothing lasts forever

We're all born with purity in our hearts
Some day it'll all fall apart.

Lies written across their faces
Done on a day to day basis.

The rare ones cherished,
Too scared they'll perish.

Their thoughts being trapped inside,
They're out of their minds.

Without a care in the world
We're used to being told.

You're all alone
Nobody to hold.

If only they could trade places
But they can't fill each others spaces.

Waiting for the day to come
Where there will be no one.

Stagnant for almost ages,
a shift in the universe creating cracks at the core.
It's just change they say,
progress feeding life until it's bloated and now it's heavy.
Why ruin a good thing?
A journey they say,
forgetting to mention the skepticism & uncertainty in between, the back and forth. Left right, left right.
It's not comfortable,
there was a home.
A beacon of safety when entering the door,
laying in a bed surrounded by the diffused atmosphere of who you once were and now.
Why ruin a good thing?
Now it's time to find an opening inside uncomfort, where you might fit best so that you're warm every night.

Wondering around upon the hill
Thinking where life will get me to..
As the time went by..
I realised..
To be certain is an illusion,
except for death as forgone conclusion.

How do we know
The reasons for coming here?
What if we feel too little,
About things much bigger than us?
And maybe I led you here,
Where you don’t want to be.
Maybe there is a hole
So dark inside of me.
What if you see, what if you see….

But there are a thousand beats
Out there in the city’s heart,
Out there in the oceans crash,
In the silence of your eyes.
In the sound of this dark.

So maybe we’ll just be here,
In the darkness that we share,
Safe from the light
That can expose the feelings,
Smaller than us, but bigger than this.
The things of indifference,
That we wrap into our embrace,
As we undress the souls within,
Because something is better than nothing.

And what if you see,
What if you come to know me,
And in that you learn,
Of all the things that make me burn.
Or what if you don’t see,
What if you can’t find me in me…

And if I am wrong,
If I have brought you here
Into the space laden with grit,
Then we can have tonight,
Before we kiss beneath the sunlight,
One last touch as we separate.

Your active fingers
stringing sentiments to me
spoken through text speak,
yet you can't text those same lines
from your lips to my close ear.

How is that I see myself,
as the blackened waters do?

Though I cannot save it,
it walks with me,
even in ridicule
and what color is it,
from within its soul
or the light I refuse to shine?

To search for something so deep,
yet I see only a flat mirror of no depth,
except I wonder what of myself in its hands;
when the sun rises I will ask the first shadow I see,
but I will not accept any answer without proof;
too bad it cannot speak in my own voice
or its own

I seek no nobility in my pain,
only to learn of its meaning;
sometimes
I care so much I cannot sleep,
wandering instead in my mind,
yet finding nothing new
I could cut off my ear
but what would come of it?
In the light it would seem a tragedy
but in a pool of darkness it is a mere reflection
not real
just a passing time of life soon to be forgotten

I began this self-portrait where it almost ended;
at the edge of a future for which I am no longer prepared,
though I am as long from my youth as I can stretch

They look at me as if I am their future,
but I ask for mine
because that is what will become of theirs;
if it happens as I have planned
then the moment I existed in fear
was as flat as the water that silenced my courage

Would that I walk with the knowing of my fate;
not for eternity for which is promised,
but instead for tomorrow

What will it be?

A reflection of my worry
or the dream that only I can see?

call this our moment,
no matter how broken,
heartbeats slowing-
where are we going?
call this my fault
forget how i taught
you how to breathe
is it that hard to see me?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


call me so *****
call me so worthy
pretend like you’ve heard me
say you won’t hurt me.
call this the end
tell me it’s all pretend
that there are no feelings
is it easy to stop breathing?


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.


and you seem to be
everything to me
you’re the reason i can see
what’s next for me.


and i’ve been a million places
and i’ve seen a million faces
none are quite like yours
and i’ve made so many choices
listening to the voices
that shake me to the core
am i a mistake
am i a quick fix
how much can i take of all of this?
i don’t know.
i don’t know.

Why haven't you faded?
Why am I still nervous when I see you walk towards me?
Will we be awkward now?
We'll be awkward now.
No
We're easy
Will we know what to say?
We'll run dry within the hour.
No
We go on for days
Will we still like each other?
We'll realize we've grown apart.
No
We know each other 10 lifetimes and over and over again
Why?
I wish we didn't
It would make things so much easier
I want you to fade away
Bc I am afraid.
I am afraid of what it means
if you don't
that you aren't
that you haven't
I'm afraid it means I'm weak
I'm afraid it means I'm selfish
I'm afraid it means I'm the same
Please don't let me be the same.
As a year ago
A month ago
A day ago
I'm afraid bc I know you still love me
But I'm afraid to love you back now
Bc what if that means
I'm stuck forever?

If I can just let you go
If I can just not love you
If I can just let you fade
away
It means I've stepped forwards
Oh how backwards.
Shouldn't I want you to stay
As I change
And grow
And become...
Me?
Yes
In fact
I think it's all I've ever wanted
And I do
But I need more time.
Oh, my love.
I need more time.
Just to know it's real
Just in case it isn't
Don't fade just yet.
Not yet