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no matter how much i sleep, rest, or nap i'm exhausted
i've taken to yawning in my favorite class.

no matter how easy i take it, my body still aches when i move
it's frankly rather disquieting.

no matter how much i clear out of my head, i'm still hurting
letting go of difficult situations is hard.

no matter how ahead i get, i'm still stressed for the next thing
the rapidity of life is eating away at me.

no matter how kind i am to those around me, i still know shame
impulsivity of emotion is a thinker's nightmare.

no matter how much faith i have, i still feel uncertain
my god is for me, but it feels like life is against me.

no matter how mature i am, i am still undercut by those older than me
focusing on the positive is not going to be theraputic right now.

no matter how much control i have, i'm still shackled to my anxiety
i cannot just "calm down" to ease your or my own conscience.

no matter how many decisions i make, there is still much left undone
slowing down is a luxury, one i take guiltily and not without consequence.

no matter how much i improve, i'm still bound to expectation of perfection
humanity is not perfect, and neither am i, broken and inadequate, but we try, oh we try.

no matter how much joy is in my life, i still feel the crushing weight of depression.
i said i was doing better

no matter how much i am validated by my loved ones, i still hurt myself
my eating disorder has infected my system completely, down to my bones.

no matter how many breaks i take i'm still being driven into the ground
crying because of household tasks is pathetic.

no matter how much i try to pretend life is not stressful,  it's
digging itself into my heart and soul.

i am not okay, and those who know it are trying to keep themselves afloat
i can't escape this tired, this exhausted, no matter how hard i try.
"the bags under my eyes have stories of their own"

This is an old poem from my senior year of high school, but I still relate to a lot of what is said here.
CJ Jun 3
I look upon the dark sky,
when I'm alone
And in my own room,
Tears start to roll down

Not because I'm happy
Not because I'm sad
Not because I'm stressed
I just feel something is missing

I don't feel lonely
I don't feel depressed
But there's this feeling inside
That I cant seem to explain

I want to be sad
I want to feel lonely
I want to be depressed

I yearn the feeling of depression
I miss crying my heart out.
Now I really think,
I'm addicted to sadness…
Am I sick for being addicted?
Amanda May 12
I am sorry for being like this
Wish greatly I was not
Feeling unhappy constantly
I'm aware I ask a lot

Do not have a clue why I get jealous
It's evident you love just me
Eaten alive regardless
By invincible insecurity

You reassure me nobody else
Could possibly own your heart
Maybe, but if so how come
You smile more when we're apart?

The respect you had for me
Has diminished with attraction
Used to give me your whole focus
Now I get a fraction

I don't deserve your valuable time
The privilege of being the only one
Held in your arms every night
I'm begging you

Please don't run
I feel you slipping out of my hands
Andrew Choo Apr 28
dear [...],

sigh

"i'm sorry that i wasn't enough

to be there for you."

but i'm scared

don't act like you care

when you don't 

i'm scarred

but those are just anecdotes

burned onto my skin

people think that there's an antidote

they tell me to stay;

wanna leave, but i don't 

it's not just another season

i just keep my mouth shut

there are too many reasons

for so long, i've been suicidal

all this weight stacked in a pile

i just hesitate when it comes to dial

it feels like i'm on trial 
i'm a burden 

everything's hurting

that ledge on the bridge, i'll revisit

i see no point to life 

i've already past my limit 

these thoughts on rewind

over and over and over again 

going over the edge

it's not a matter of if, but when 

can't deal with this pain 

only way with a gun to my head

two bullets to my brain

shooting blanks

be grateful they say, give thanks

putting time into loyalty

not enough buoyancy

i'm sinking
mind's overthinking 

sleep shrinking

time's ticking

words kicking

thoughts are sickening

lights flickering

on and off, on and off switch 

stuck in this matrix

this twisted glitch 

i ain't static

not trying to be dramatic

i was a troubled kid, always problematic

back story, a bit traumatic

always an odd one, an erratic

with the cool kids, i never fit 

the parties, they weren't "lit" 

this hub ain't a house, and 

this house don't feel like home 

walls fall apart like styrofoam 

ain't as well known as the colosseum in Rome 

who knew that 

old friends would become my new demons

and old demons would become my new friends 

stuck in these habits 

these flaws are my bad bits

those anxiety attacks are my sad fits 

they say that they'll be there

but when you need them most 

but why do i feel like 

i'm a ghost

xo-rd
when life *****, i just write
julianna Apr 26
My arms don’t reach, I am unchained.
That’s when you feel loose enough to cry
“Are you okay?”
And you want to say “No”
but instead you say “yes” and you lie.
Riveá Apr 23
deep breaths.  racing heart.  what is the teacher saying?   bouncing leg accompanied by the tap tapping of fingers.  room needs cleaned.  check needs picked up.  how long until school is out?  the secondhand has a tick.  have tests to study for.  is that a new ring on her hand?  my appointment starts at 4:30.  the AC has kicked on.  when will the weather make up its mind?  need to pay attention to notes.  need more sleep.  my shoe came untied.  the wind is blowing the trees outside.  what college do i want to go to?  did I turn in my assignment?  this needs to stop.
Here is a jumble of my thoughts from the past 20 minutes.
i still call you, just to hear your voicemail.
i wish one day you would pick up the phone.
but at least i can still hear your voice



uncomfortable

i needed to call today
i dialed your number
and i knew there would be no answer
but today
all i heard was an automated voice message
now all i think about is what happened to you
this was a draft, but today the phone didn´t even ring
and i feel so lost
what happened to your phone
what happened to you
will i ever see you again
what am i supposed to do now
why do i still miss you
My life was all smoke and mirrors
trying to disguise the pieces that were broke.
Smoke filled lungs made my head feel clearer,
but parts of me were still disappearing.
As I forgot about my motivations,
and was stressed to make end meet.
Waking up with mental lacerations.
I had a lot of plates, but no food to eat.
There was a lot in my life that seemed to go wrong,
but I kept moving forward to the next day.
Delivering pizza my car breaks down.
What can I do to get paid?
Dropped out of college to make more money.
Now how does that even make cents?
One day you were just at my apartment.
This was the first time we met.
Slowly you showed me who I could become.
It's something I can never forget.
One day exactly I remember fully falling in love,
and two years later that feeling still exists.
Growing more with the days, hours and minutes.
You have changed my life more than I can perceive.
How did you survive? Let me know.
Nylee Apr 23
My life started on it
I have run over a million times
my little legs to huge feet
got enough space to walk on.

the beauty in water and landscapes
I have thought a million times over
accepting all kinds of sizes and shapes
The tree spread over gives me the shade

The oxygen and life spreaded all over
The bounty of love given to us
A sleep in between the blue and green cover
home to lives of the minutest

The one sided love has stressed the earth
It's aging twice to thrice extra every second
Our toxic nature has done enough hurt
A day of remembrance is just not enough
.
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