I'm trying to love
Myself

To put me above
The rest
I truly deserve
The best
If I continue hate
Myself
I will forever wait
For love
For someone else
To say
That I've made
Their day
I don't need
This ****
But I'm so used
To it
I fall into
This hole
Where I give up
My soul
The pain
I feel
It's horribly
Real
I'm so insecure
From years
Of not facing
My fears
And being alone
Out here
On my own
Out here
I don't know
Anymore
What you want
Me for
I pick you up
Off the floor
And come back
For more
I don't think
You'll be
Ever here
For me
It's hard to
Know
Should I stay
Or go

So

I'm trying hard
To love
And put
Me
Above

You*

(C) Pixievic 2016

Self-Portrait
I am disaster.

I am the heavy rain crashing against your window and disturbing your peaceful sleep. I am the overwhelming snowstorm, and I'm every car wreck that it has caused. I am the phone call from the hospital asking you to identify a missing child. I am the empty funeral home at the wake. I am the tombstone with no name. I am the finger down the throat. I am the razor against the wrist. I am the butterfly, but only after it's wings are clipped. I am not holy, I am sin. I'm never the beautiful sunrise in the morning.

*I am every ******* lonely 3 A.M.

oh do I love you,
or does my head just make me think I do.
as my heart beats so fast my breath can't keep up,
and I feel like I'm going to die,
as if this is some power you put over me,

but, sometimes my brain turns my thoughts into lies,
as if maybe, to help me get by, make it easiest to pass the time,
Because I know for more then a fact,
I don't deserve to be loved back,
from a person as good as the one in front of me now,

so these lies get spat out,
to distract me and you from the truth.
as I know, I need to save them from myself,

no one can love me,
like on most days,
not even myself.

If you knew
That I draw on my skin so I don't cut.
That I'm more broken than you think.
That I hate my body,
My scars,
My brain.

If you knew
That I've cried myself to sleep for the past week because I'm scared of myself.
That I don't trust myself with a knife.
That I just want to sleep,
And never ever,
Wake up.

If you knew
That the only thing keeping me going is the thought of seeing my sweetheart.
That I wish I wasn't born sometimes.
That Im not okay,
No matter,
How manny times you ask.

If you only knew
Whats going through my head as I wright this.
Would you take me to see a therapist?
Would you want to help me?
Or turn your back and tell me that I'm "fine"?

If you knew
That I'm tired of living,
And I just want it to stop.
**...

It's funny how we always like things that are the opposite of ourselves.
Do we do it because we don't like ourselves?
Or do we not like ourselves because we do it?

I think the best kind of bodies are pear shaped ones.
I'm an apple.
My sister is a pear.
She thinks the best bodies have slim legs.

When I read poems on here.
I prefer the ones that are nothing like mine.
Mine never rhyme.
I like ones that do.

I have tan skin and light hair.
I think the prettiest girls have light skin and dark hair.
My friend who has a pale complexion
Thinks those with tans are the most attractive.

I think integrity is one of the most important virtues.
But I'm not the most honest person.
Patience too.
And that's definitely not my strong suit.

I don't think the reason for all of us doing this is so sinister.
I don't think we all do this because we hate ourselves.

I think we're just used to ourselves.
So something else seems so much cooler.
Think of all your clothes.
Your favorite piece is usually the one you just bought.

I think we just understand how we do the things we do.
Our talents don't seem that difficult.
Because they come to us easily.
But others' talents are hard for us.
So we value them higher.

I don't think we do this because we hate ourselves.
But I think we learn to hate ourselves when we do it.

It's really sad how many people hate themselves.
It's always the ones who seem the happiest that aren't.

I asked someone what his happiest moment was the other day.
He said he didn't have any.
I asked what made him happy.
He said making others happy.
Because making others happy was easy
But his happiness never lasted.
This person was one of the funniest, happiest people I know.
Or so I thought.

It's just so sad.
Some of the people I think highest of
Think so lowly of themselves.
Some of the best people
Feel the worst.