The dark oil seeps into my lungs
and then as fast as it came it goes
pouring out turned into the hateful words I describe myself with
drip drip drip
but it isn't oil pouring out of my mouth
it's blood pouring out of my wrists
from the cuts inflicted from self hate
from an inability to make myself feel okay
drip drip drip
unfortunately I have to patch up the cuts before all of the self hate can get out
drip drip drip
I'll wait a few days before I let it out again
I can't bleed every night

She saw beauty in everything



Beside herself...

pale circle
     sunken eyes
          hallow cheeks

cracked hands
     bulging flesh
          spidery veins

hated image
     broken shard
          self reflection

The most scary thing,  at least to me,  is being told you can't have kids.  
Now it is not like I wanted kids.  
But the thought of when my doctor told me so casually at a young age that I may never be able to, has always scared me.  
I wasn't that old.  Someone who never got my monthly at the age 16. And a doctor just bluntly tells me I am messed up.  
Now years later it still isn't fixed and I stay worried
That I will disappoint someone I am with.  
People tell me that is it fine.  They were told the same thing.  
But it isn't fine!  I am not you!  And what happens if it is true.  
I am told by my friends that I am blessed.  To never really get a monthly or to get it every few months.  It isn't lucky.  My bones are brittle and I always have a nagging feeling that I will disappoint my partner.  But I won't say anything.  It is too soon for that.  But at some point he will click two and two together.  He is very smart after all.

My biggest fear -----

You'll look at me the way I look at myself

I hear a sound
In the middle of the night
Nobody is awake
Except for me
The sound
It rings
Like a bell
It won't stop
The alarm
It's a warning
To save me
From me