lately
I haven't been
feeling well
and I'm sorry if
I dont smile as much
I'm sorry if
my words hurt a bit more
I'm sorry if
instead of hurting myself
the way I used to
I am hurting you instead
It's hard to scream
without my voice
now I can't cry for help
Now I have to wait
for someone to see me trying
I'm sorry

sadness is material.
the sobs my foundations for something stronger
the tears cement for my brick towers
the pain to remind me that this is real.
this is real.
i am a person and i am real.
i was born and one day i will die,
but this sadness, with its melancholy hope,
is the material to make my existence worthwhile.
i am sad, and one day i will not be sad.
but whilst i am sad i will create things so that
when i look back on my bad days
i will smile and understand that
it’s not all bad.
sadness is material,
there to prove me - and everyone else - wrong.

I watched her there

Standing from afar

Overlooking the horizon of a star

Darkness and voidness sorrounded her but surrenderee will someday surrender on her.

She ain't a knight with a shining armor of superiority.

She ain't a treatment that concealed every bruise of brutality.

She ain't a fantasy that hides the reality.

Cant you see? She's pretending, not being she.

Tons scratch, bruise and scars hidden within thee.

Strong lady.

Impregnable, inviolable and unassailable.

Strong outside yet fragile inside.

But then a youth stepped into her and bathed into her darkness.

Youth says to her, to the depression bearer: "What ails thee strong lady? That thou woe thy eye?"

Strong lady sat herself down and weeps, sunken cheeks and salted liquids run down her face, she speaks and says: "I should've sleep in peace young youth for I suffered desecrate and torment, aid not naebody, and father used and abused thee"

Yet, young youth says: "Hush down depression bearer henceforth I shall build thy walls and protect thee, thou shalt not say those words for I shall follow thee"

Since when I hath layed the blue orbs on you,

You captured thee.

You hath been my friend, a company.

Ups and downs you're always 'round.

You didn't leave me as doth others around.

Over powering my heart and thy soul of ill.

For you hath been my teacher that teached me good will.

Gave life to the burned and crumpled paper.

Filled the deserted newspaper.

Put colour to the lackluster painter.

And hey, I dont want to be a poetess nor a writer.

I want to be the letter that they put together.

Important and remembered forever.

You builed up walls, but that wasn't tall.

                         Reminiscing the endeavour and expectations dont met at all.

                         You tried to build up walls over and over again but that didn't seems to work out and fall back to the abyss of darkness.

                        Yet you strive again for what they want but darkness was too tough and pulled you back.

You fall,

You stumble,

                       "Useless" "Worthless" was you heard from all.

Now you give up, little did know you cant win this up.

                        Life seems dont want to give you a break so you pulled out the razor thinking to end this for sure.

One cut, it ease the pain.

Two cuts, it rid the pain.

Three cuts, you dont feel any pain.

                       Blood was oozing, pooling to the puddle of forlornity that leads her to the eternity.

He told me he is giving her roses.

The boy, who yesterday I finally admitted I love.

The boy, who the day before that , kissed me.

The boy, who a week before that told me I was his forever, and I said the same.

The boy, who has my heart.

Is giving her roses...

I will gladly welcome you into my territory.
We can laugh and I'll share a good story.

I will greet you warmly as you walk in,
And exchance with you a massive grin.

I will allow you to hunt my prey,
So you won't go away.

I can be the most friendly beast,
But there is more than a feast.

The kind greetings of my grace,
Turn to snarls and growls taking their place.

I will not hesitate to hurt you,
Or cause some trouble to brew.

Taking advatage of me,
Is never smart so let me be.

You have crossed the boundaries,
You have ruined the foundaries.

It doesn't matter if it's you,
I won't let you make it through!

Sorry I couldn't blanket you,
brother.
Sorry a million, billion times over.
My heart dies for you,
brother.
A million, billion times over.

Sorry I couldn't help you,
brother.
I can only lay here, drenched with salty rivers down my cheeks.
God, I am useless, help him please.
I'm sorry! I am sorry! I'm sorry!
I couldn't help you, my brother!

You are my flesh! my blood!
I will give you all!
But I have nothing at all!
I'm sorry I couldn't blanket you, my brother!

I'll do better.
Just hold on, my brother.
I will come to save you.

I see a dying swan
Resting on the marshes of the bank
Her feathers white as snow
Her wings like that of a silk

I hear a dying swan
whispering softly to the river
While she rests and sleeps
the river answers back with a song

A song of life and death
Graping onto her graceful neck
breath took her away
And now she sleeps and never comes back

I know a dying swan
she's like a mother
and the river a home
though her eyes told me no story anymore
I still believe her, that dying swan