I dont feel safe anywhere ,
Your touch haunts me everywhere.
When I see you i feel an urge to throw up,
When i think of you i fall apart.
Sinking into this infinite loop,
The more I sink the more i feel like a fool.
You forgot about me .
But your touch haunts me .
I am scared that it will happen again.
It doesn't feel valid,
I wasn't *****.
It seems like they don't care.
Because we were kids,
Because i wasnt *****.
I would rather be lost with a bear,
Than be lost with a man.

It’s said that the human body replaces itself
With entirely new cells every seven years.

In seven years, I will be free from your touch.

In seven years your fingerprints will
No longer be burned into my skin.
In seven years I will be able to
Wash my body and finally feel clean.

In seven years I will be able to kiss
Without getting sick in a cold toilet,
Sobbing sobbing sobbing,
Because my tongue tastes of you.

In seven years, maybe I won’t
Lock my bedroom doors,
Fearing a monster that lives
Not under the bed.

In seven years, one more woman
Will pretend to feel free.

Tell me, when did daddy's little boy
Become daddy's little toy?

*******! Predator！Where are you?
Hiding in the dark again, what are you going to do?
Too scared to see the big bad wolf?
Too scared of the big bad wolf blowing down your roof?

I will never stop!
Not even after you learned your lesson!
Till I pounce on you, till you learn I'm on top!
I used to be a ray of sun
That always shines
Now I'm simply just about cloud
No one, anymore, even visits my shrines
Just because of you

You don't care about the way you hurt her
I don't need therapy, I need ******!
I won't be okay until my knife is in your eye!
Maybe cut your tongue out so you can't tell anymore lies!
Lies you tell your friends as if they're mindless puppets!
You always labeled me as your personal pet!
Now I'm going to be the mutt to bury you!
Let people ignore your helpless cries
Making you a feast for flies!
Saying "Sorry!" After every stab!
Pulling out your organs after every grab!
Gouging out your eyes!
Branding my name onto your thighs!
You should've known I'd be back!
Just like a shadow, I always come back!


You're so silly thinking I'd let this slide!
Just like I'd glide
My knife across your throat
The same thing I did to your pet goat!
Then leaving you there for the maggots! ❤️

You accuse me of all the blame,
Ignoring your own mistakes,
Trying to belittle me with words,
"Don't burn the bridge that leads you home."

Once, it seemed you were on my side,
Until things went askew.
You urged forgiveness, yet blamed me
For how everything fell apart.

For 22 years, I held it all in,
My smiles strained and false around him.
I voiced discomfort, but you kept him close,
A room for him always next to mine.

You delight in tearing me down,
"He gets that from you," you said,
When my brother spoke of his pain.
Your love, I question deeply,
Unable to even change your mind
About something as simple as cutting grass.

I find more reasons to resist returning,
I was enslaved by your expectations,
Yet I found the strength to break free.
Returning now, I fear,
Would bind me once more in chains.

today i woke up and played animal crossing. i ate ice cream and i binged. i microwaved salt and water, it didn't do anything and i felt stupid calling it a binge. small binges count, shallow cuts count too. it's about how you feel while stuffing your face with three cereal bars at the speed of light or storing sharp objects as a panic button.

I spent the day self-loathing and wishing I had a prettier disorder. one that doesn’t get you called a ***** when you just need someone to tell you what is real and what is not, one that doesn't make crawling out of your bed an impossible challenge. I remember how forgiving people were when everyone suspected I had adhd. I would hurt myself whenever i couldn't focus and they thought that was worth a hug, mania is not even worth a kind word. I remember my ex handing me ritalin, I remember not taking it because I was paranoid about being poisoned. there was “you can do it” written on the box with a smiley face. he had the same grin as he f!cked me and spat on me minutes away. I scratched his back as bad as I could so the other girl would notice and ask him if he was treating me right. he thought it was arousing. it was a cry for help.

now I sit on the edge of the bed I spent the past few days in. it got me missing my old bedroom, the cocoon i lived inside for eight years. i sit here alone and unlovable by the standards of controlling neurotypicals, i still can't focus for the life of me and I've never felt so close yet so far from my dreams.
if i'll have to take a step back from my ambitions once again, then so be it.
my only hope is that death feels like going grocery shopping and exiting the store knowing that you checked all of the boxes of your list, I hope my grandma felt safe as she passed.

if heaven is real I hope my hym3n grows back to convince myself I was never in danger. I hope I can be something other than life's mixed, blonde, green-eyed f!ck doll.