My neglected duties lie in a heap on the floor, my head hurts as I stare down at them. So many.
And time? Fleeting.
I receive no sympathy from time. I evoke no empathy from my own conscience, nor fantasy.
All the unspoken words I’ve neglected to voice lie gentle on the nightstand.
And I sleep sound.

Where were you when the good guys lost?
When only bad guys got to score?
What were you doing to help us win the fight
When we needed a few people more?
How did it happen that you were so busy
That you couldn’t come face them down,
And let the people who were elected to lead us
Be rascals crooks and scary clowns?

Were you locked up in a prison someplace
Or in some kind of conflict of your own?
Was there a monstrous family schism happening
That put all else into the Twilight Zone?
Were you unconscious in an ugly coma
Through something horrible done to you?
Were you lost in a desert for a year or more?
Was there some brain freeze you lived through?

What could have been so important to you
That you could let our country go to hell
And fall into a pattern of human oppression
That the **** party did so freaking well?
What kind of earthshaking civic duty did you see
That was more important than our freedom?
What kind of social and political madness was it
That took the place of your sense of reason?

Are you planning to blame other people later
When the country we love falls apart?
Will you point the fingers at the leaders you chose?
And how late will you let that start?
Will it be far too late to stop your chosen lawmakers
From blocking every effort you or I make?
Will you let them swindle, rob and imprison all of us
To keep from prosecuting those on the take?

Where will you be when we try to fix this mess?
Will you be off enjoying wine, women and song?
Will you be in a debauched fool’s paradise when
The last chance for democracy comes along?
Or will you finally do some reading and research
To find out where this country went astray?
You haven't been able to wake and smell the fear.
Maybe you can come to your senses today.

Eldest,
You are cruel by nature
and not knowing better,
but you will come to learn that is no excuse.
An unfilled form,
you're a hand
half in a glove,
and it makes you careless.
You will later apologize for coming first,
Eldest.

Eldest,
you are a stand in.
See what responsibility looks like stretched over adult bones.
Stretch out yourself.
Pull on it.
You idealize a lighthouse.
You chart a course,
some careless and rambling march,
that well,
isn't really supposed to look like that.
Slowly,
you grow to resent your stretch marks,
Eldest.

Eldest,
always guilty,
you wish you’d known that you’d been responsible all along.
Eldest,
dwell on this, as to make sure it won’t happen again.
Teach your eldest child this lesson and hope
they do better than you.
Blindly feel the yoke’s pull,
Eldest.

she would need that, wouldn't she?
to slow down
I never slow down
when I ski,
I don't turn
I rocket down the slopes
snow trailing in the frozen air behind me
cold fear in my heart
as I pick up speed
but I don't slow down
I never slow down
I like to live fast
hard
in the moment
one punch after another
breathe breathe breathe
**** air into my lungs until it hurts and
leaves no room for second guessing
for anxiety to creep in
I run to keep up with life
feet pounding on the pavement
mimicking my heartbeat
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
I'm not so good at continued commitments
I'd rather just do everything all at once
hours of work
I could have easily done gradually
crammed all at once
and I don't think before I speak
I say what's on my mind
though I often regret it
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
because if I slowed down
then life
would catch up

What if I'm sick of it?
What if I'm sick of the role you have so eloquently written for me?
What can I do if you are obsessed with colouring in the lines while I yearn to draw outside of them?
What if I go off script and say something foolish, dumb -stupid even.

What if I want to let go of it?
Let go of the loneliness that accompanies the burden of being perfect.
What if you realise that the higher you set your expectations for me, the further you will fall.

I am not ready to carry that responsibility.
I am not ready to be perfect.

There is nothing I could ever do.
I could never give enough
To even begin to repay.
I sense the weight of debt paid.

My love and dedication falls short of this
Abundant grace as all the efforts of a world
That gives out of selfishness.

I often live in denial of what I must repay
Though I never could repay.
But the inclination must be there.
I carry the weight of debt paid.

I have learned to acknowledge the debt
And accept that I was debtor
To a weight that would surely have crushed me.

I have learned to freely give back
Of what was freely given to me.
I live under the weight of debt paid.

Rarely do I ever get a moment to myself
Everything that I plan sits dusty on the shelf
Staring at me silently each and every day
Poignantly reminding me how much I need to play
One day maybe up ahead in a year or two
Nothing will take precedence over what I'd like to do
So instead I fill my time wearing different masks
Intently doing all the things that the family asks
Bodyguard, Janitor, Chef, Taxi, and Teacher
Indeed are just a very few of my lovely features
Leisure however seems to always elude me
Inconsequential to how ardently I plea
Tomorrow is a whole new day to try it all again
Yearning for those moments I can find my zen