5:06 AM

5 in the morning and still tucked in bed
except the blanket isn't in place, my legs and toes are exposed, giving such fabric an insignificant purpose
i feel the faint air brushing against my thighs and ankles
yet my hands are unsure on what to do next, whether i should engage into pleasure or another paragraph of endless admiration
i think of him
i think of her
and all my senses drown out except for the fan propelling air toward me
everything else is unheard of,
the itch between my legs ignored, the aggravating temptation of relapse slowly dying out
like the body waiting for an image or a representation, an embodiment of perfection, and how my words are piling up to become of redundancy
i am the fire of a candle, soon to become its demise and leftover wax
and all i can picture is how perfect his skin is, and how beautiful she is
as the sun deliberately rises to its peek and emits pale blue through the curtains
and here i am wishing that i could have someone who can whisper me to sleep once again
but i am lonely and my bed is empty
another morning and night wasted

n.j.

I barely remember how your voice sounds anymore,
or at least I like to think I've almost forgotten.
It still echoes in my empty head late at night when I can't sleep...

Your voice sounds so close now but so far away.
I thought I could feel your rough hands
around my neck
when you typed how badly you craved me.
I felt my heart skip
And my skin burn,
When you said tensions were high
and you missed me.

Sometimes it's like no time has passed since she showed up in my life.
To imagine that I would fall victim to her mesmerizing spell...Again.
To think I was convinced she would be the answer to all of my problems.
To think I fooled myself into thinking I could handle her storm, not to lose control.
How could I have been so blind?
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
My Siren in the form of a drug, a foil, a needle.
Everything I loved and everything I hate.
Such an easy mistake.
An easy escape.
A  cowards answer.
Again I fell victim to her double edged sword.
Left to pick up and rebuild from the ruble, left after her storm.

Silence lurks through me
Faint thoughts cross my mind
I've been fighting sleep-

Possession takes over me,
Leading me to the desk
Rummaging through the drawers
I find what I'm told to-

Sitting in darkness
Fighting my demons
Calling those of greatness
But none answers-

At the swipe of a blade
I'm walking on clouds
Once again.

*relapse

When I relapsed after being clean for about six months
I hated myself because of that
It made me believe I was weak
I wasn't stronger then everything going inside my head
and I fell for the trick that my mind wanted
but I didn't realize that it's okay
part of recovery is relapse
you are gunna have bad days more often then the good
and that's okay becasue at least you can say that you're trying

Recovery is painful
But my mother’s words are like daggers in my chest

Her dietary verses sound all too familiar
She looks at my body as if it were trash

We view my physique the same way, really
I’m either sick or complete flab

I feel myself slipping into old routine
(Although the scale says nothing different)

I feel her fingers rubbing against my wounds
During my daily weigh-in

It’s difficult to love the skin I’m in
When my mother frowns at a larger pair of pants

I did the math and realized I’m forty pounds above my lightest
I’m sure my mother wouldn’t care if I reached that weight again

Not even in the slightest

Here I am again
Sitting against the door
Shaking hands
Shaking chin
Water splashing on the floor
I try so hard to calm back down
Make the monsters run away
I never invited them over
They just barged in and demanded to play
I thought I locked them out for good
I was happy again
Until now
Now I hear them calling me out
No ignoring them anymore
So here is what I have to choose
My poison
Number one or two?
Both will **** you
But which kind do you want?
Neither? Well that's too bad cause you're picking one up.