Things are getting out of hand.
Peace is no where to be found.
I'm tired of contemplating,
And trying to understand,
What can't be comprehended.
My sanity fell into a
Haystack of needles.

In order to reclaim it
I will have to bleed.
There are no easy answers.
Yet answers are what I need.
How can I make amends
When I still don't understand
Who I'm supposed to be?

This story is a difficult one to tell.
Especially when it comes
To telling it well from start to finish.
And in order to do so
I need to remove myself
From this diseased prison cell.
Then maybe I will find
The redemption I long for
And lift this evil spell.

Then maybe I’ll be reborn
From the ashes of myself

I'm a force to be reckoned with
So I don't recommend double crossing me
If you come across me
I’ve been known as the criminal in town
****** for being different and causing mayhem

It is not my desire to watch the world burn
And I’ve tried putting out this fire within me
So I don’t set fire to the world around me
But I don't know how much longer
I can hold it in before my covers blown

The innocents cannot be unpunished
So why are they blamed and
Imprisoned for other people’s actions
There are so many stories to be told
So many victims waiting for the moment
To speak their truth and let the real villains be known

My soul is a lacuna
In these moments of silence
There’s an empty void.
In this river of regret
It’s Hollow dark and cold.

Nothing left but bitter emptiness
I’ll still long for your touch
To hear the sound of your voice
And I don’t want to forget
Or Learn to live with the pain

These demons are relentless
And driving me insane
But If you want the leave
Don’t let me stand in your way

But Please don’t call me a fool
If I ask you stay
Let them think what they want
I don’t care what what they say

I’ll be lost and scared
In the midnight rain
If you go away
You may as well take the sun away

These loose strings that i find no use of
Should i cut them free
Or sew them tighter.
For what’s next i seek no attention to
For what’s hidden, was never meant to see through.
Billions and still counting…
For the absence it was never bothered of,
Unknown reasons the night had howled for.
Forced nightmares out of the dreamy eyes,
The eyes that never could seem any light from,
Or had it even wished to seek any..
After the eclipse it was forced to see through and the new moons it had to weep through.

In through the nose

Straight to the brain

That chemical drip

I attempt to refrain

White of the snow

Sparkle of ice

Set it before me?

Doubt i’d think twice

i rise to the surface of the water,
stopping just before crossing the line between water and world,
as if to break through the threshold
is some sacred thing
and i am unworthy
of air, of life, of what floats above me,
just out of my reach.
i gasp.
water fills my lungs,
but the burn is familiar
like the ache of wanting and not wanting,
even knowing it will hurt me.
today, tomorrow, and forever,
until forever is no more.

For 274 days I have been sober
throughout those days
zero painkillers have touched my tongue
but every so often I would have my urges
but I’ll continue to resist them until I perish
on the first day of being clean
I failed
and relapsed over and over again
I couldn’t stop myself
the idea of my brain shutting off
was my mission to complete
I’ll take them in my room
with the door locked shut
and take them in the school bathrooms when I know that no one was in the stalls
it was a time loop that never ends
never stops
but always repeats
until that changed eventually
on one of the days my counselor found out
then my mom found out
and then a hospital found out
those days felt miserable
questions were thrown at me
from different faces with same expressions
and all I could do was mumble my words
trying to hold my tears as I tilt my head to the ground in shame
after the “visit” I made a oath to myself
that’ll I’ll become sober
it’s been 9 months for me now
I don’t have these urges anymore
but I still had second thoughts
on random nights
I’ll look up at my ceiling
fantasizing about taking the whole bottle
and putting myself at rest
letting my body become numb
while my mind roams free
until that feeling fades away slowly
now I look up at my future
knowing I have gotten this far now
I won’t let myself go into another time loop
that never stops
never ends
I promise