The beer is flowing
All hot and high,
Insect repellent on the house-
A restaurant by the roadside.
The streets a little easy
Now that the tears have dried,
But the population still dress in black
For the year the King had died.

I’ve been doing a little dying too,
All the faces I have been,
All the places, all the names;
All the waste I’ve come to see.
It piled in the entryway,
Too many obstacles to leave,
Too desperate to sit and stay,
Witness the death of the autumn leaves.

Too much steady state back at home,
Over here, it’s chaos in the streets,
Used to take a pill to make me calm;
I used to lie and steal and cheat.
I used to have a drink to **** the day,
Now I take a load off of my feet,
Nurse it back and eat well and full;
There’s no trouble in falling asleep.

I see the waitress get a head massage
In the middle of the working day,
I mind my manners a thousand times
Still, my brain does not behave.
*** lingers on every corner,
In every blind-alley retreat,
Every time she smiles at me,
Or hands me my receipt.

Now I sing for life and I sing for death
And neither is full of fear,
Sometimes I tell the world to go to hell-
But at least I sound sincere.
At least my poetry is full of me
And not the absence in between
When I wake in this sober state;
When I fall down to my knees.

This is not the perfect life,
I would never claim it was,
But it’s a thousand shades brighter now,
In the shifting of the fog.
My notebooks are all clean and new,
My eyes alight with love.
This is what true living means,
This is not what dying does.

And within my dream
I recall,
The ferocity of which I could
Only really growl,
"Leave him alone,"
An "Or Else." bleeding through
My tone.

And the images of
Those that have granted me
Only nightmares
Flashed before my eyes
And I realized
My own sins
Have made theirs seem greater.

I know what lies look like,
I know how they read.

Hatred makes a truth
Twisted and convoluted,
Makes you see double the pain,
Double the anguish.

It exaggerates hurt,
And lengthens the scars.

I am aware of this,
For I do not speak
My hatred's names.

I  dreamt of fire last night,
I dreamt of flames.

But you are the cold winds,
You are the rain.

I need the rain,
To **** the fire
That burned at my flesh,
At the raw parts of my heart.

And so you did.

You are my light,
Calm and clear
I see you as vividly
As I know the monsters within myself.

I see horrible things,
And I've done horrible things.
But let's get something clear,
I am the only
Monster here.

And I do not say this for pity,
Nor do I say it for grace.
I say it for peace,
And to maybe save some face.

But I desperately hope
That you'll still love me so
Despite my vicious actions,
And you'll see to my good intentions.

I have a cold front,
An icy demeanor,
That I'm afraid you have yet to see.

I have no use
For my colder parts
When I am so
In love
With you.

But I'll have you know,
Any threats to my priority's
Future,
Will be eradicated
Promptly
And efficiently.

You are my priority,
And we share a future.

I love you so,
You are my light,
My love,
And I will not let
Petty little brats
Get in the way
Of that.

So still hold me
In whatever light you so find fitting,
But I am not an angel,
I am not good,
Save for my intentions.

I lose myself in
The anxiety attacks
And I hate it
And I regret it.

But I can't change it,
I can't control it.
I try and I try
And I fail.

I want to be
Whole
I want to be
Strong
But I'm going to need
A little help
Along the way.

I'm not the best at flying,
And I'm not the best at being
My best
But if you could hold my hand
Along the way
I might be
Okay.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

waking up
and not feeling the pain
you felt before
for so many mornings prior
to this very moment
was all you needed to know
that you are okay
you can breathe again
these worries did not break you
they put you to sleep
and woke you up
so that you could see the beauty
in trying again

This is for the birds who take their time leaving cages
Who use all the strength in their brains to take them places
Who use all the strength in their beaks to cry out on their stages
And declare peace on the birds on the rescue mission to save them

This is for the birds who work alone
Who type alone on their computers
Give their life to social media users
But are still strangers to the ones who live at home

This is for the birds who shed a tear
When that anniversary comes around each year
Whether it be the last bottle you downed or the last blood stained floor you cleared
The last blood stained soul, in the mirror you feared
Even when all the birds around you ceased to cheer

This is for the birds whose nest was burned down to the ground
By the father who let a political party take him down
But still sits and waits quietly til the coast is clear
But still sits and waits in the fire while the rescue birds are here

And maybe does it burn
But maybe that’s how birds learn
By waiting for the coast to be clear
By being taught when to burn
And it pains me to say but
It’s pain that saves us when the soft and cushy world fails to give us what we’ve earned
The exposition of the truth
The key to the freedom birds so often chase after

But this is for the birds who take their time leaving cages
Who use all the weakness in their hearts to imagine places
Who would rather stay in than be alive on a stage
It’s really clear

That maybe what you wanted was a little bit of control
Because the nest burned down and you thought
“What would happen if I go?”
But the time to find out is right now
Right here

I feel like nothing.
Like I'm washed up and overrated.
Like I'm some type of loss,
But not quite unimportant enough
To go unnoticed,
But not quite important enough
To really be vied after.

And maybe it's just me,
Because honestly it doesn't strike me bad
Enough to make me cry,
But it strikes me enough to sigh,
And know this is what I'm probably worth.

A response,
A small phrase of comfort,
But probably nothing more,
Probably nothing less.

But I so desire
To be held and told
That maybe it's alright,
That maybe I'll be able
To sleep tonight.

But how can I rest,
How can I breathe,
When the monsters come for me
Even in my dreams.

There's no escape,
And there's nowhere to run.
He's destroyed what worth I had,
And I'm just so done.

And wish I may,
And wish I might,
I don't have it in me,
I can't fight the past-- Can I even fight?

I wanted to be braver,
I wanted to be stronger.
But I can't do it on my own,
I can't do it any longer.

I know for sure that you'll
Help me get through,
But I'm terrified of
What this means for you.

And I'm absolutely terrified,
Of something I can't see.
It's this monster I know too well,
It's this monster that follows me.

I wish I could
Change my way,
But I don't know what to do,
Nor do I know what to say.

And I love you so,
And I know you love me too,
But with this monster beside me,
What are we supposed to do?

I need your arms around me,
As soon as you can manage.
I hope you read this.
What the hell rhymes with manage?

When I look at you,
something strange yet familiar washes over me.

I stand under the shower of emotion -
lathering it into my hair, scrubbing it roughly into my skin, allowing it to wash away every sin I've ever had.

I've had many, so I stand here for a long time.

But your voice, your voice calls to me and beckons me to come out.

Come out of there. Come to me. You're clean now.

I've never been clean, or at least I don't remember a time when I wasn't. But I trust you. Your eyes are gentle and there's no hint of malice in the corners of your mouth when I step into the room.

Come here.

I sit next to you on the bed and you pull me into your side, my head instinctively seeking the beat of your heart.
It mimics the single thought that throbs in some dark corner of my mind.

I trust you. I trust you. I trust you.

Trusting another heart has been my biggest sin. But this doesn't feel wrong.

Maybe I'm making a mistake,
but everything about this feels right.