Sleuthing drunkenly in a car home.
My nature subdued by the foul
nature of the world.
Gay club I leave my body hanging out to dry.
I can show every but ever moment of myself
and I love every send of it.
Belly is out.

The mere thought of you kissing or holding hands with someone else used to send shivers down my spine. If anything was able to make me furiously throw up, it was the thought of just that. However, only one week later, here we are, and this thought seems to soon be reality. How does this make me feel? Honestly, I cannot put it into words. Sad, hopeless, angry even. Things started out so ‘perfect’. How could everything fall down on me in pieces in the matter of a few days. I feel cursed. Like a spell has been put on me. Why does this world hate me so much? I really thought it was my time to finally be happy...

Not knowing if we would have worked out had I stayed in London.
Not knowing if you think about me as much as I think about you.
Not knowing if you ever thought about me all those days apart.
Not knowing if you had also wanted to kiss me that afternoon.
Not knowing if we would be together had I been born a boy.
Not knowing if it is me or my gender that is putting you off.
Not knowing if I will ever get to hold your hand.
Not knowing if I will ever get to kiss you.
Not knowing if I will ever see you again.
Not knowing if I will ever be with you.
Not knowing if I will ever be myself.
Not knowing if I will ever be you.

Les sentiments qui nagent dans ma tête
Après t’avoir regardé dans les yeux
(Quand je me sens capable de ce fait) -
Remplissent mon cœur de fébrilité

Trop exposant pour s’exprimer dans ma langue maternelle.  

Mes choix de mots et les expressions enfantines
Reflètent mes sentiments -

Maladroits mais purs;
Nerveux mais calmes.
Sécurité et vulnérabilité entrelacées
comme nos mains

——

The feelings that swim in my head
After I meet your gaze
(When I feel capable of doing so) -
Fill my heart with restless excitement

Too exposing to express in my native tongue.

My choice of words and childlike expression
Mirror my emotions -

Awkward but pure;
Nervous but calm.
Security and vulnerability interlaced
Like our hands.

Your ivory
Was devouring
First as a smirk
Then a ploy
Grazing a nape
I was your boy

“When will I
See you again?”
You said
“C’mon over”
I replied
So you made the drive

We were lovers
s o m e t i m e s

A birthday card
Now gathering dust
In a bin
I often think
Of what could
Have been

To have your teeth
Grasping my
Whole being
And your
Primal scent
In my nose
Lingering

“When will I
See you again?”
. . . I wonder . . .

Knowing the answer
Is never will we be
More than a secret
Every bead of sweat
Locked up in memory
Safe from your faith
Safe from your family

Which makes me
Sigh
And cry
And die
A little inside

This is purgatory

Your purple satin
Slipped through
My fingers like the
Sands of time

s e v e n
years
since
you
disappeared

And still a part of you
Is always on my mind

Talcum powder
And water
And a few
Other things
Something pink

Smoothed onto
My innocent cheek
Like a mask
Fancy

The sneaking
Into your closet
The blouse
Falling off my shoulder
High-heeled stumble
I’ll understand this
When I’m older

The curiosity
Testing borders
Pushing limits
It’s always been
In me
This glimmering
Faggotry