She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen
And I might yell and scream at times but
She is worth every pain I went through
And if I knew that this kind of love existed
Maybe I wouldn’t have broken my own heart so many times
I kept aiming for a target but missed it
But on this round I hit the bullseye
She looks up at me with her eyes open wide
It makes me feel as if I am her entire world
This little bundle...my little girl...
Has entirely changed my life
Finally I might be able to enjoy something
Flowers bloom in the cracks that once engraved my heart
There is not a single part of me I wouldn’t give for her
Through this, a realization is spurred:
Finally I might be able to love myself
Because she is just an extension of me on the outside
Like an ocean tide we will ebb and flow
When I feel low I can stare at her face
And understand that I belong in this place

Time spirals upward
level after level
an ascension of ability.

Perhaps I smolder with inadequacy.
Lost angel in the female order
evading the ultimate aim
of a woman.

Some secrets are
a stained glass pane
a holy station of benevolence.

I was tempered
in the seething heart of knowledge
my soul knows past lifetimes

when I plunged chubby feet
into fur-lined boots
lit a fire to cook
watched smoke
circle upwards into night
heard our herd of reindeer
stamp and snort in the snow

prayed for strength
as winter prowled outside our goahti.

Finding myself poorly suited
for motherhood
I opted out this time around.

there is something nostalgic in every part of you
in your thighs beneath my childhood frame
the crook of your neck pressed against my nose
your voice throughout the walls—yellow, burgundy, blue

the dull thump of your heart crashing
through your chest—up your bones
to your shoulders to your neck and your skin
reaching up through your body into my small ear

your breathing was deep and meaningful
slow and done with purpose (everything you did
had purpose) and, as a child always clings to their mother,
i tried to match my own breath to yours

-f.j.e.

There is no rest tonight
I sleep… But I do not rest
I dream that you are being eaten from the inside out
When I wake and look into your sunken eyes… Hug your frail body...
I know that MY dream is YOUR reality
There is no rest for you
There is no sleep for you

I dream you are drowning
And even though you grab my arm for me to pull you out
The weight of your heart, tainted blood in your veins, and gathered regrets in your mind are too heavy for us both

But your head remains afloat…allowing you to breathe
So you let me comfort you by holding your hand
And you hold your mouth open…only allowing a sustenance that your mind has tricked you to believe is salvation
But its poison…a twisted substance that tangles itself in your mind, attaching itself to your body…
I remain holding your hand, because in the depths of your sunken eyes, I still see the glimmer of your spirit

I dream that you are being destroyed from the inside out…almost every night
And you are
Your thoughts and emotions are continually triggering and misfiring
Sharp and ricocheting through out your whole being
Destroying you, leaving you aching and in pain
Your solution…to go numb and distract from actually healing

I dream you are choking
And you are,
Pills, Acid
Corroding and dissolving more than just your physical being
Your turmoil becoming sludge
Just wanting to escape from your body
Getting trapped in your lungs and throat as you cry out for help

I dream you are suffocating
And you were
A dark shadow found its way in front and on top of you
A heavy blanket of darkness so dense you had no way to breathe

And somehow, through these dreams and in our waking moments together
You always found a way to extend your arm out, reaching for help
I’d grip your hand tighter and tighter every time
Your grip feeling stronger the every next time

And somehow…your reality began to change, and my dreams…my nightmares began to fade
Somehow… you found your way…back to us …
Away from the grips of your addiction
Closer to love, light and clarity of your life
Your Mind
Your Heart
Your Spirit

Tonight we rest,
Tonight we sleep,
Tonight I know you will actually dream.

As a mom..
you always need to be prepared
As a mom ..
you need to make sure your expressions are well read.
As a mom ..
you need your baby well fed.
As a mom..
lack of tissues is a subject of dread.
As a mom..
less is always more said.

I now know
          what it is to have
               your best
                          walk around in
                human form
           I now know
              the held back
                   tears
               to support a tiny soul
I now know
                hunger pain
                      until the last belly
                              is full
           Love so deep
                           only oxygen is more
           So
                I will laugh
                                      with you
                     every moment
                             until
                                     no
                                         more

Hidden Scars
                   and lines
            create
                      immortality
             A mirage of
                      Beauty
                 replacing
             Ethereal Glory
                         Our
                                Children's homes
                                         lost
                  their souls'
                                    birthplace
                 ­            gone

Your Heart Beats
The rhythm of my
                     first music
      Your touch
the first sense
                   of this world
       Your eyes
                   my
                        first
                               view
                    of love
the home I once knew