I miss you
I miss who you used to be
The genius, gentleman, jokester
The guy I used to write college essays about
Question: who do you want to be like?
My brother

Where did he go?
Where is the light?
The light with gold in its tracks
I want to see the gold
That sleepy gold that made me believe
Believe in so many things
Goals, and dreams, and miracles
The gold that’s called
My Brother

I want to understand
Believe he’s still there
My brother with stars in his eyes
But as you can see I’m still here
With tears of confusion
Mourning the loss
of my brother

I’m here, and I love you
For all you are now
But you see
you aren’t who you once were
The one I bragged about
Smart even when sleeping
With work you were over-leaping
Across any expectations that were made
That is who my brother is

I guess I just want
That boy in yellow
The one from
The happiest times

For now I’ll just be here
With my stuffed octopus
Remembering my brother
That used to be

the strokes of color painting the sky when the sun says goodbye.
the can of soda, countless more, sitting on the bedside table.
the final chapter of a book, scent of parchment in the air.
the lights in my apartment at 3 in the morning.  
the feeling of your lips pressed against mine
moving in sync as if it is known
that you and i are deeply
in love and
warmth
sparks
move
with
me
but
you start
to drift away
and the sensation
is only just that once
you are gone and pulling away
all of these a vestige, and you are mine

i should have known
the day you drove the wrong way
on the interstate
to steer clear of your path
we did not have to be in love
for you to leave a hole in my heart