I remember the happiness of being a child
I remember the blissfulness of climbing trees
I remember smiling wide for pictures with new friends
I remember pleading with my mom to stay outside longer
I remember coming to the age of double digits
I remember the phases my mom said wouldn’t last
I remember laughing about the phases later
I remember finally forming friendships with my brothers
I remember saying “I’ve been alive for a whole decade!”
I remember reaching the teenage years
I remember the gradual downfall
I remember asking for the room to be quieter
I remember staying home more frequently
I remember sleeping less
I remember the distinct hospital smell
I remember the confusion on my doctor’s face
I remember the yellow prescription bottles
I remember the disappointment on my parent’s faces
I remember clutching my head
I remember begging for relief
I remember the boiling in my chest
I remember yelling at the sky
I remember asking, “Why me?”
I remember the hopelessness
I remember desperation
I remember nearly giving up
I remember the acceptance of chronic pain
Now, I’m left with memories
Of the happiness of being a child



-j.h

A nail through the skull
Repeatedly pulsing, hot:
A migraine headache

Here we go again.
It is 6 AM
The morning has begun its rise to power
And I have yet to fall asleep
I'm ready to die now
Someone tear the brain out of my skull
Please!!!!

Slowly I feel the tension creep,
Up my back to the base of my skull.
Beneath the weight of my sins,
I begin to slowly crumble.

The knot forms with a grip so strong,
My head no longer wants to turn.
Memories keep flashing so fierce,
Along my spine it starts to burn.

Pulling tight the tension increases,
A pain unbearable above my right eye.
Like the ghost that tortures me within,
Something that doesn't go away with a high.

Vision obscured by shapes and colors,
Eyes glued open with so much fear.
For if I shut them I'm petrified,
Details of your face may reappear.

How exhausting this battle has become,
When all I do is keep losing.
As I lie down and wait for it to pass,
I feel myself reducing.

Even though a lion is trained to keep it's mouth shut, it doesn't mean it can't learn around it.
Stardust has seen and tried to stop me clean of these things that could be.

That blackhole won't solve anything,
Neither will exploding or imploding myself to wits ends.
So let me brief you just this once so listen good and listen well.

Like the lion, find your pack.
No matter how much the storms rain down hell, find a way to dispel.
Write these records, create a contraption to annoy the rains away.
But if there's nothing you can do, and trust me I know cause it's something we've all been through, go to shelter and let the damage be done.

Tomorrow we begin a new, and work around it with your crew, they may know what to do.
It's an experience we all handle.
It's a long life battle.

But at least we're not alone.

Tremendous pressure
    Between two trees
The pressures of autumn
    Which crinkles the fallen, forgotten, leaves
    And cry beneath our feet
As we grind them slowly back to the earth
    Unknowingly, she knows
    And drinks it all in
Like a summers mead

I like your mind
but I don't like mine
It hurts me all the time.
A mind like mine makes migraines
last forever, never ending pains.
In my skull
they reverberate like ringing bells
chiming every hour
my own personal Hell.
Your mind is pleasant,
warm.
The kind of mind that adorns
its walls with trinkets
that express lovely sentiments.
I adore your mind
and I'm glad it is not mine.
I would not wish this Hell
on anyone I knew well.
But yet I will not tell you
that I can't think well.
I tried to take medicine
But I can't let myself in
as my head hurts so much.
I can't bear it!
I have not a grain of brain matter
left that actually matters
in regards to healing this pain.
I feel my energy drain
as it does its best to hide the strain
and fight my mind's migraine.

Migraine

Throbbing noises , neon lights
Please ! Go away
Smell of caffeine ,
It's being unendurable
Oh ! Aura stabbed me
Torment troubles somewhere around
I want the drug acetaminophen
Don't drill my cerebrum
Head is walking with nightmares
Monsters are advocate there
I need relief
Agony is so inconsiderate
Fire is in brain and flood in the eyes
ibuprofen ? Didn't work !
Headache is still over eye
Though attack is fixed for skull ,
I'm taking high dose aspirin
Now , I'm gonna sleep with migraine
And wake up with migraine .

©Smriti Ranabhat