Believe it or not
I'm screaming every day
Because being a woman is
A pain you can't forget
From hands over mouths
And mouths on bodies
And bodies under pressure
Pressure to be perfect or
Pressure to be pliable
Wrists stuffed down behind backs
And knees pushed wide apart
Fear in our eyes
Blotting out the stars
And cotton shoved in our throats
Stifling our voices
When the world ignores our cries
I. Am. Always. Screaming.
Because every day
Is looking over my shoulder
Convincing myself
As I stand in a mirror
Knuckles white with my rage
My repressed hatred
My scars
I am strong
I am fierce
I can do this
But the pain
The fear
The constant wondering
And constant betrayal
Because none of these men I love
Give a **** about this fight
Understand what it means
To sit next to a stranger on a bus
And feel their skin start to shiver
The eyes of them
The souls
The skin
The men I came to trust
Or believe in
They don't know the harsh reality
The horror movie I have to face
The nightmare I have to live
We have to live
We are not alone
But that is not enough
I stand with you
But two bodies tied to the post
Only burn together
We're both dying
We're both screaming
How do we make this place
Safe for the women who
Will inherit our shoes?

Growing to manhood is a slippery *****
Of razor blades and bones that grow.
****** screen shots of angel wings,
Red carpet slits, eye popping lips,
Miss Pageants and tutus on skates.
Britney shaking, Jennifer quaking,
No Old Spice to take young spice's place.
The X comes before the Y,
Yet Toxicity is the hue and cry.
I'm a man in a mixed-up world,
But girls still like boys,
And boys adore girls

Eyes flutter while heads pound,
Memories come flooding in,
Someone else in the bed,
Soft smirks, asking how it was,
How what was?
Heart and head pounds,
Memories go blank,
Except small struggles,
Soft drunken no's, that go unheard,
Still touching, no stopping, please stop,
Blank,
Enough, smile,
It was good, it had to be,
Small nagging feelings,
Ignore, ignore, go away,
Nothing happened,
Everything stills,
Voices heard, but not recognised,
Shapes and shadows,
Nothing real, nothing happened,
Silent screams, as the world moves,
World moving, but I am not moving with it.

I get judged
I get eve-teased
I get killed
Outside by burns
Or even inside the womb - as stated by medical terms
I get thrown out
If I’m not fertile
And I get called names
If I have a child
Without getting a wedding-tied

I get beaten
I get blamed
Even if the fault isn’t mine
I get objectified
And told “She wanted it”
But I still come out of it just fine
Even then
I get pained
I get tired
I get hurt
I bleed a lot
Not from only the physical/mental wounds
But each month in my own blood I get drowned

I get locked up
Sliding from the door step rotten food comes
On the floor of dust
I even am given ash and cloth to soak my ‘dirt’
Little do they realise it’s just a part of how we can ‘give birth’

I get humiliated
I get hatred
I also get good things and lot of love instead of blames or non-sensible names
By those who are sane
In places only few
Cause it’s still an idea new
To save a girl and her esteem too.

I get discrimination,
Please, for sake of humanity,
And not a new government policy.
Change this inhuman tradition.

When I look at her face,
a small child who is "she"
  and it's clear she has no
idea of stale ideals that block her
path

You are a small angel, and
you're unaware of trails that look like gold

There is truth: they are just gift-wrapped.
hiding "be polite.
"don't sit like that.
"cross your legs.

Here is your truth: You are not small. You are full of magic and there is no path that you don't own.

I undressed for my shower,
And noticed something queer;
Something I've used all my days,
Suddenly disappeared.

I had it with me yesterday,
And used it several times;
I always put it in its place,
And took care of what was mine.

I really can't explain it;
Now what's a fella do;
I'm not to blame,
I refuse the shame
Of the hashtag framed MeToo.

They say that every 7-10 years your body is completely renewed.

How refreshing is it to know that the body I have now was never touched by your hands?

it has been over two years and i am proud of my growth. my main focus this year is to finish my grieving so that i may continue my life in an efficient manner.
the process of grieving is commonly known as, but not limited to:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

my denial proces:
many times the easiest way to get over trauma is to repress it. i was 15 when i was ra ped. legal age of consent is 16. he was 18. i was naive, and could not imagine the man i loved doing that to me. i believed that it was an accident and neither of us knew what was right or wrong. I had assumed that because i had previously given him my body, he was able to ignore my pleads to stop this time. i blamed myself more than i blamed him, and he blamed me. i had been so infatuated with him that i had pushed away the people who cared most about me. when i told them about being ***** our bond was already so far gone that they could not feel anything more than pitty. i was terrified of losing him, so i convinced us both it was an accident. ra pe is no accident.

through denial became anger:
i became genuinely angry for the first time in my life. i was angry at him for being somebody that i had trusted and loved. angry that i had let this happen to myself. angry that i had no strength nor respect to stand up for myself. if i had told him to stop one more time he would have. i understand now that i should not have had to say no more than once. i was angry because i let myself down, but I’m more angry that i could not blame him. being angry was the easiest part of grieving. it is okay to he angry.

bargaining is a toxic healing method:
i became really good at bargaining with myself. after he was gone i had begun to understand my emotions, but i could not control them. my fear of more being taken from me fed my overcompensation. i began to give my body away, so that it could not be taken. it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. my body is not meant to be given nor taken.

depression hit hard:
i began to reflect on all of the points in my life that had lead me to this one. i became close to restarting the grieving process. i spent a long portion of the depression stage in denial. then i was angry that i had backtracked to the beginning. i had more meaningless se x that i now regret more than anything. i saw how good his life had been going and how poorly mine was. it was obvious that i needed help.

acceptance:
this entire passage was my process to acceptance. i reached out to my therapist. i made new friends. i stopped wallowing in self pity and i began to recover. i stopped begging to forget my flaws and began to forgive them.