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mildew Jan 2019
it has been over two years and i am proud of my growth. my main focus this year is to finish my grieving so that i may continue my life in an efficient manner.
the process of grieving is commonly known as, but not limited to:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

my denial proces:
many times the easiest way to get over trauma is to repress it. i was 15 when i was ra ped. legal age of consent is 16. he was 18. i was naive, and could not imagine the man i loved doing that to me. i believed that it was an accident and neither of us knew what was right or wrong. I had assumed that because i had previously given him my body, he was able to ignore my pleads to stop this time. i blamed myself more than i blamed him, and he blamed me. i had been so infatuated with him that i had pushed away the people who cared most about me. when i told them about being ***** our bond was already so far gone that they could not feel anything more than pitty. i was terrified of losing him, so i convinced us both it was an accident. ra pe is no accident.

through denial became anger:
i became genuinely angry for the first time in my life. i was angry at him for being somebody that i had trusted and loved. angry that i had let this happen to myself. angry that i had no strength nor respect to stand up for myself. if i had told him to stop one more time he would have. i understand now that i should not have had to say no more than once. i was angry because i let myself down, but I’m more angry that i could not blame him. being angry was the easiest part of grieving. it is okay to he angry.

bargaining is a toxic healing method:
i became really good at bargaining with myself. after he was gone i had begun to understand my emotions, but i could not control them. my fear of more being taken from me fed my overcompensation. i began to give my body away, so that it could not be taken. it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. my body is not meant to be given nor taken.

depression hit hard:
i began to reflect on all of the points in my life that had lead me to this one. i became close to restarting the grieving process. i spent a long portion of the depression stage in denial. then i was angry that i had backtracked to the beginning. i had more meaningless se x that i now regret more than anything. i saw how good his life had been going and how poorly mine was. it was obvious that i needed help.

acceptance:
this entire passage was my process to acceptance. i reached out to my therapist. i made new friends. i stopped wallowing in self pity and i began to recover. i stopped begging to forget my flaws and began to forgive them.
Britni Ann Jan 2019
I told you the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Something I have never even whispered  to the world.
Or even to myself.
You shed the same tears I did for years.
You asked the same questions I asked for years.
“Why haven’t you told anybody?”
“Why are you telling me now?”
I shrugged and looked out the car window.
“Shame is a funny thing,” I said softly,
“Telling someone makes it real”
I was hoping it was all a dream.
Now all I can think about is how someone knows.
And that I almost regret it.
Elizabeth Fruin Dec 2018
You say I told a lie about last May
And if that's what you think
I guess there's not much to say
I'll untie the anchor, let it sink

Go to a place where you'd love me
Somewhere my truths aren't lies
Disappear so I can no longer see
These heartbreaking replies

No more attention seeking
That you felt I was up to
No more having this feeling
Of my heart ripped in two

I don't want to remember this
I only want the good moments
When you were proud
You even said it out loud

- EAF
Britni Ann Dec 2018
I’m getting older now.
20 years old.
Soon to be engaged.
Sooner to be a wife.
You wouldn’t think that I would get this far would you?
To be living, loving, forgiving, and forgetting.
There are still closet doors I do not open tho.
Still things I don’t tell anyone not even myself.
One, because I did not think it was real.
Two, because how could someone ever do that to a child?
And three, I was so ashamed of even thinking about that.
I’ve only told one person in my entire life.
But they still love me despite what you said.
Im not angry or sad.
Or ashamed or *****.
God made me new, God healed my brokenness.
So I guess that means you lost?
I’m smirking from afar.
As you now live with the shame and fear and doubt.
Fearing the same monsters in your dark closet.
Closed doors
indigochild Dec 2018
Am I a crumpled sheet of paper in the hands of my predators?
We are told a crumble sheet of paper can never be the same again.

My own thoughts strangled my voice as my body refused to listen to my brain
“No” did not come out. Apparently my kicking was not enough.

To touch my skin felt like fire burning through my veins, fire that ignited my predator
I never knew a sensual touch could feel so haunting.

Hopelessly sinking into the bed that became an ocean, water drowning me and continuously pulling me further down
Maybe if I surrender my body it will go faster.

Words disintegrating from my lips with the ashes of consent and destroying my trust for any human to touch my skin
How can I let another be this close when all I feel is you again?

Circling the drain of intimacy
I remember what your hands felt like. What if theirs feel the same?

I wear the damage like an extra layer of skin
This is deeper than just ***. How can I love again? How can I trust again?

My body used against me more than the number of fingers on my hand
Do I tell them? What if their afraid to touch me? What if I’m afraid to touch them?


They have to go.
Sam the lynx Dec 2018
Beneath a turned stone,
you see us scatter.

In the realm of lights-outs and pitch-blacks,
a borough infested, now coloured hazel
and cast into the obscure.
A new world turned inside-out,
a haven upside-down.

We retreat from collision and of collapse
as our dividing landscapes betray us,
rid of light yet chasing the shadow.
In mud, we bathe;
upon another, we climb.

Crumbling sounds shiver us from within
as declining space starts to suffocate.
Though, weep not for I’m but contagious.
Deluded and misconfigured,
fleeting repellents, in need of contamination.

Colour, colour.
The end I see through colours.
Ritz Writes Dec 2018
I am not shy to be a woman.
I am not shy to raise my voice.
I am not shy to own my body.
I am not what others pour their hatred upon me.
Oh! So many hurts and slur comments;
Labels and taglines your pour on a woman who earn their strip.
" Unedited, Raw and Unabashedly"
Take me for who I am.
You think it is not ladylike to sit or pose.
And if you think I care;
I don't owe anyone an explanation.
Talk The Talk.
Raise your Voice if you wanna be heard.
Emma Rose Dec 2018
An independent woman is viewed as a disease
How dare I not need a man to depend on.
How dare I speak my opinion loud and proud.
Where did I gain so much confidence
Considering this society sends ads to attack my opinion of myself
And make me understand my place is to be small

As an independent woman
I understand my power when it comes to other woman
I can be a hand to help lift them up
Show them that we do exist
And to help them out when the men talk over her or mansplain her

However heed my warning
Men are ****** when we show our dominance
They call us *****
They laugh when we make simple mistakes
Because they’ve been taught
Boys will be boys
But women, must hold their tongues

~Emma Rose
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