my hands bled
small red crescent moons
etched deep into my palms
that drip onto my lap
when i watch
                 i    c a n ' t    s a y    i t
and i breathe
shakey
spelling out your name
across my skin
in goosebumps
but my blood goes cold
and boils too hard
bubbling into my temples
popping in my brain
a banging
a raging
anger
my vision goes red

and yet.

IF I'VE NEVER DONE A THING RIGHT















Then what do you want me to write?

to some
jealousy is just anger
maybe even rage

but for me, oh no,
jealousy brings me blindly to my knees.
jealousy leaves me bleeding out in the dirt.

jealousy makes my vision blur
and my stomach lurch
and my lungs squeeze
and my chest burn

for me
jealousy hurts
(in a very real, physical way)
leaving me light-headed and ill
all morning long

I remember it now
Coming back to me after a small lifetime of years.

In the schoolyard after class.
A sparkle in the corner of my eye,
So shiny.

A broken bottle
A shard of glass
So pretty
I picked it up

Will anybody notice?
Will anybody see?

Nobody noticed.

Jealous of a classmates bandage
Their war wound, scarred while living life
Having fun.

Squeezing the glass until it breaks the skin
Red
Red red red
Blood blooming blossoming so beautiful

But it hurts so bad.

Why was I jealous of blood?

I have more now anyway,
My own scar from living life.

Acknowledging jealousy
Only validates insecurity
But why pretend
To be content