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Jack Jenkins Jan 3
2019 hit me hard like most years
but i finally started to hit back
i let myself embrace the pain
said it was okay
and started to heal
i made my peace with a lot of my past
wrongdoings i can't undo
but can forgive
both myself and others
i decided to stay in love with someone not in my life anymore
and that's okay
because she's always had my heart
most importantly i made a resolution for the first time
for 2020 i will not be suicidal
or entertain such thoughts
i will tell my demons
"how dare you think you can scare me into death"
and i will mock the voices that say there is nothing for me here
i am loved
even by myself
//on myself and life//

If you've ever struggled in life, and feel like things never will change... they may not... but you can.
Love you all, and best wishes for 2020
Jack Jenkins Feb 15
Heavy
Is what I carry
In my pockets
In my heart
Weighted like sand
Filling my throat
The fear under my eyelids
Cracks of light that creep in
Thoughts under my skin
Dying just to be let out
But I stay only silent
Let the fog rapture me
The pain can sink in
Past my skin
to the bone
to new days
from the same me
//On life and control, or lack thereof...//
Jack Jenkins Jan 5
Oh I am calloused and bruised
I am weathered and used
I don't blend anymore
I just float on the surface

The light that left me
Has me feeling thin
Inside
Oh the love that left me
Has me feeling dead
Inside

And the love that stayed
Cannot carry me on
I am a wayward son
I am the only lonely one

Is there an end or a beginning
I can no longer tell
These thoughts aren't my own
But they're nobody else's

Oh everyone's a stranger
When you don't know yourself
Everyone's a stranger
I don't know myself
//On love and loneliness//
Jack Jenkins Jan 28
I miss you like the desert sands miss the lapping waves of the sea
That childlike sparkle in your eyes as you laughed with me
Our lives were a destiny not meant to be
But it was the only future I cared to see

I spend my days, hours, minutes, and seconds as if it didn't matter
But in the moments between time and space I am with you
Could it be called love if I didn't know what I was doing?
I made my confession to walls when it should have been to you...

Clarity always seems to cloud the mind, one way or another
Because the clarity that speaks only speaks of pain;
It hurts to say that it hurt to stay; It hurt to leave and it hurt to hate
Hating her hurt far more than any rejection of hers

Words cannot find the feelings I want to describe
After all, these are just love notes left behind...
//on her//

Speaking on tear-blotted pages and smudged ink...

Sorry for switching between first and third person so much... I often do so when visiting her in my mind...
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
everything that made him him
was leaking out the hole in his chest
the cracked ribs finally failing
god, if only he wasn't a fool
God, please make this real
//On love//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
the memory of my melody
a reminder of lost things
haunted by the years
//On my muse//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
death can be found in love
and life can be found in anger
scars can be beautiful
showing we survived
and aren't there anymore
freedom can be found when lost
through solitude wisdom can grow
but growth has no meaning alone
so love as you live
for death cares not of such things
fret not for scars, do not be scared
when lost, know you are found
these are the meanings I have learned
//On Life//

Just ramblings of an old man... ;)
Jack Jenkins Jan 1
Old habits smoulder in the secret places in my heart
Like a pack of unlit cigarettes stashed under the bed
Cancer waiting to spread and ignite desires
Oh how I love these wrong desires
Just a sip until I drown
Just a flame til I burn down
//On addiction//

I'm okay. But my demons want me to come out and play.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
Run
when people look me in the eye
for just a fleeting moment
i feel as if i will die
palpitations
dilation
sweat
flight
or fight
apologies
i feel as if i will die
for just a fleeting moment
when people look me in the eye
//On trust//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
The grass fields shimmer in the wind
As the sky is gaunt and gray
I pray, I pray, I pray
That this sadness goes away
//Written for a dear friend//
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