I don't want to say I'm in love with you
But
What am I to do when you're
Everything
I see
You're the ink stains on white desk tops
You're the paint splatters in art galleries
You're the words I am typing
I don't want to say I'm in love with you
But what
If
I
Am?

My mentality focuses on the time
Unassumed the undefined
Leave behind the unconscious mind
Therefore malevolent

For when compassion comes around
Don't feel solicitude

If I loved him

If I loved him I would not cry the night away,
I would not hopelessly float in my tears.
If I loved him there would be a smile on my face,
I would not have to worry about being enough,

But that is only if I loved him.

For I know I cannot do so,
My struggles are that of his
For I know that he depends on me
My struggles are too overwhelming for him

Yet I still cannot love him

If I loved him I would bring him down
He deserves more than I can provide
If I loved him we would return to the darkness together
He deserves more than a relationship based off of a confused lie

I want to love him

I chose to love someone else
I told myself I would be better off
I chose to love the second who gave me what I thought I wanted
I told myself that I need someone who doesn’t care for my heart

Now I wish I loved him

If we could turn back time,
would we do it all again?
Would it all stay complicated
or would we manage to be fine?

If we could turn back time,
would we still say all we said?
Would it still be all so hard,
or would we see beyond the games?

If we could turn back time,
would we still hurt each other?
Would we still try to make it up,
and would we still feel it's worth it all?

If we could turn back time,
could we just raise above?
Could we hold on to each other?
Could we make it better than the past?

I long...
                      For you to hold my hands
                      while doing everything we planned.

                                For you to whisper in my ears
                                as you drive away my fears.

                      For you to be my light
                      Every time darkness covers my sight.

                                For me to listen to your heart's beat,
                                each moment we meet.

As much as I want this, reality strikes and it's hard to dismiss.
That even if I know this is all wrong, it's still you I always long.