The Weight I Carry (And What It Costs)

The past is not behind me—
It walks beside me still.
It speaks in quiet moments
And bends me to its will.

It lingers in the sterile light,
It echoes in the hum
Of monitors and whispered prayers
When hope is all but gone.

The present isn’t softer—
It pulses through the pain
Of patients breaking in my hands,
Of lives I can’t sustain.

But I know how to sit with fear,
I’ve breathed through it for years.
I’ve felt the dark press on my chest
And fought back drowning tears.

PTSD has marked my soul,
But made me sharp and kind.
I see the wounds behind the words
That others never find.

In scrubs, I’m strong, I speak with calm,
I know just what to do.
At work, I give what’s left of me
To help someone pull through.

But when I cross the threshold home,
The weight becomes too loud.
The walls expect a gentler me
Than what I’m still allowed.

The stress I never fully name,
It follows me inside.
And suddenly, the smallest things
Feel like a wave, a tide.

I’m not as soft, I’m not as still,
I shut down when you speak.
I’ve run dry from giving all day—
There’s nothing left to leak.

And though I love with all I am,
Some nights, I disappear.
Not into war zones far away,
But right beside you here.

So if I seem a world away,
Or cold when I come home—
Know it’s not you I push against,
Just the silence I’ve outgrown.

The past still lives inside my bones,
The present takes its toll.
But loving you and healing too—
It’s both my wound and goal.

And all I ask is that you see
The fight behind the face.
I’m learning how to carry less,
And come back to this place.

So hold me when the light runs low,
Remind me love is near—
That even when I give too much,
There’s still room to be here.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

Events flow through my head
faucets spontaneously spray
memories over my feet
Frogs jump out of the pool

What seemed so ordinary
is now demonstrating
and keeping me awake
Smashing the window panes

I hide behind the lace curtain
Shadows beat the drum
They live on the street
and declare me guilty

I am no longer safe
from the straight faces
and the doubts of my family
They slink through the house

Greetings,
from the Mayan land
of sunset lava and teal water

Tengo un obsequio
en el alma de los sueños
se bebe como licor
o se fuma como el tabaco.

Me miro en un charco
de agua enamorado,
mi cabello largo,
saludando al viento
y mis pies con calcetines
aunque no hace frío.

Tengo en las manos
el tiempo relativo
tengo un reloj
que marca mi ubicación
pues cuando muera
el tiempo no es nada
el aquí, y no el ahora.

Sabe a café
amargo regalo
de tiempos extraños
se bebe como el vino
o se fuma como el habano.

My mom was in Guatemala, my dad had left before I had grown. The only one in the house besides me was my grandma who never did peep nor moan.

My big lil brother was living with our father and my younger sister was somewhere I don't know.

So what's one to do at 16 when you know they're all away for at least another 10 days?  Socal in those years especially for me was a 24hr. pharmaceutical playground..so what's one to do?  Let's play!

Tengo el pecho lleno de calor,
el aire me lo dijo y me canto una canción.
Tengo el alma y grita a veces,
aveces me oculto entre la gente,
no por que tema a mostrarme,
es que prefiero pasar inadvertido,
para cuando el viento me señale,
haberlo antes sorprendido.

Las voces en mi mente
susurran como las ramas de un arbol,
me lo digo a mi mismo,
y en mi interior resueno;
aveces solo aveces
sueño con ella,
aún que ya no recuerdo su voz.
Aún recuerdo la lluvia,
el camino a mi casa,
un suspiro, un minuto de alavanza
y el dibujo de un sonrisa en mi cara.

Si escribo es para romperme en pedazos,
para que alguien, tan solo alguien
comparta mi canto,
por que no quiero volar solo,
quiero surcar los cielos
con un coro de voces que brillen
voces oscuras,
otros matices,
que sigan mi vuelo
o que me muestren el suyo.