Before I was born

What was I thinking?
No, stop! What-was-I-really-thinking?
Perfection? There is no such thing here, this side of heaven,
Yet, I’ve spent my entire life trying to be,
More, hating who I was,
Striving to be more?
Was it from the trauma of my first surgery
To my brain at 11 months young, that then suffered, again and again, three times more?
Was it the generational trauma carried in my DNA? Unseen, unheard but screaming: you’re not enough!
Stop trying, give up!
Was it others taunting and teasing, yet in reality testing,
Testing what I would do with their jealous tirade?
What a waste.
That’s not how I want to live anymore.
I want to rethink, no, re-imagine a new reality, and step right into my innate creativity.
Breathed within me before I was born.
By YOU...

sometimes it’s piercing me how
people didn’t realize that
what they have easily are
invaluable luxury
something i can’t buy with money

oh if only
if only i’m in peace
with everything i have
value them as luxury
maybe my heart will finally be at ease

I'll cherish the sun
Wherever i run
I'll seek happiness
Guard myself from emptiness

I'll cherish the moon
Hoping to see it soon
Gazing on the stars
Forgetting my scars

I'll cherish the land
For helping my stand
Ever growing flowers
Helping many lovers

I'll cherish the oceans
For all the lovely motions
Soul soothing sight
Deserving its might

I'll cherish the world
For giving me these words
To express this beauty
Making running truly worthy

One cosmos,
Countless planets,
One hundred and ninety-five countries,
Eighteen thousand islands,
Seven vast oceans—

And somehow, I found you.

I’m not sure why I feel bad,
but I do.
A shy human,
I fear that my silence will speak louder
than my heart ever could.

I’m not ignoring those who liked,
loved, commented, reposted—
I see you, I do,
but my shyness keeps me
from finding the right words.

I should thank them,
but I’m stuck,
swallowed by my own reluctance.

I’ve been here before,
hesitant to share what’s not perfect,
scared it won’t fit the mold,
so I keep it hidden,
a secret between me and the page.

It’s easier to just press ‘like’,
to let my words stay trapped behind the screen,
than to find the right ones
that feel big enough to match their kindness.

I could message them, privately,
but that feels worse,
more intimate in its awkwardness,
and I’d only wish I could say it better
where they all could see.

So here I am,
apologizing in silence,
for all the gratitude
that never quite makes it out.

Feeling
Like
I can't
Express
Enough
What
A
Blessing
You
Are,
How much
Wisdom you
Carry.
How I feel
Seen and loved,
And I want us
To marry...

Every stepping stone
With you, with us
Counts for me,
Does build trust

Slowly I believe in more,
Want to take in all of you
With my heart and soul
I feel safe with you, I do,

But out there the non existent dangers,
Created by my mind,
Are threatening enough,
To make many small accomplishments
Difficult and tough.

So I celebrate,
Every stepping stone,
With you by my side,
I believe even more,
I not only believe but I'm actually implementing,
What I learned all those years in pain and desperation.

The insecurity within me worries,
What If I'm just projecting some stories,
Onto you,
Putting my hope and soul in you,
Afraid to fall and shatter at some point...
But STOP
I need to let go of this voice.

Futile is the harming action in our minds,
It brings dissatisfaction, makes us blind,
It makes us lost and our potential fading...

But I believe in light within our hearts.