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i hang my head over the cool white surface
gazing at last hours lunch.
my stomach hurts.

i hang my head over the cool white surface, washing away my pain
and remmenants i couldn’t flush away.
my teeth ache.  

i stare at my reflection:
short cropped hair,
almost beautifully defined cheekbones,
red eyes that feel hallowed.
my throat aches.

i turn to the cool white surface,
a colourful mosaic of food i can name
on all of my fingers
and notes from my daily logs.
i ache for the number on the scale
to drop once more.
23 juin 2021
04:34 am
marie Jun 2021
everything changed when i started dancing instead of running to burn calories.
#ed
Eliza Jun 2021
Words,
Seemingly so positive,
Yet so harmful.

“You’re so small!”
They say,
Like handing me a medal.

Words that will bounce around in my brain,
Words that will shape my mind forever,
Words that I will never let go of.

I have to keep this medal.
Maria May 2021
"It's not that bad,
I tastes good, I swear"
It was cold, and bitter, and vile
Yet I still ordered it
Every
Single
Time
Like a magical elixr
Of momentary freedom
From the wires of guilt
Welded into my neural pathways
Just enough-
To not cause suspicion
But not so much
That I'd collapse
Strong enough
To make me jittery,
Anxious, nauseated,
But still incomparable
To the unspeakable sin
Of sustenance,
So when I saw stars standing up,
Or buckled over at the knees,
And wondered why
It was even worth it?
I'd come to the same conclusion
Every
Single
Time
And it was this:
It doesn't matter anyways
Because I'll never
Be able
To stop.
Haven't had an iced americano in three months, if that means something to someone ;) Moral of the story: life's too short to not drink oatmilk lattes.
marie May 2021
I miss the time when I actually enjoyed eating that burger you offered me last night.
I miss when eating a pack of Cheetos wasnt one of my biggest fears in the entire world.
I miss the times i was eating a healthy amount of food by the time i needed it.
I miss the times my mind wasnt a calculator every single second of each day.
I miss the time I could sleep at night without my stomach hurting, asking for at least a glass of water.
I dont want to have a mental breakdown whenever i eat a chocolate.
I wanna remember the taste of pizza again.
I want to eat a whole donut by myself.
I dont want my happiness to depend on the number of a scale.
I wanna eat dinner again, something except a salad.
I dont want to workout everyday.
I want to finally feel happy without my stomach screaming.
I want to stop.
I want to eat.
i dont know if this is called an eating disorter, i just know that i cant do this anymore. its so hard fighting my own mind everyday.
#ed
Jaicob Apr 2021
110
The cursed number
110
In bone and blubber
110
The taste inescapable
110
My thoughts are nonsensical
110
Shrink it further
110
To be skinny I'd ******
110
The burden of weight
110
All myself I hate.
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mariü Apr 2021
I didn't eat for three days
and I was at my lowest.

Waking up hurt,
I couldn't walk without feeling like fainting
and my mind wasn't able to read .

But my weight was also at my lowest
and I saw beauty in those numbers.
No energy was left in me
but I was pretty
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