the siren girl is singing
motioning for me to
join her in the water
her voice is so
captivating
I jump off the edge of my boat
I land in the water
beside her
she pulls me under
her voice so sweet
I almost don't notice
the water filling my lungs

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

When existing is the same as breathing in water
Drowning, sinking to the bottom of the deepest sea
As the sun gets tired from making everyone else shine
And dips her weakened toes into the depths of what is
Slipping past what could be and slumbering
At the edge of every river i’ve cried
Trying to be more than the dead end of the void.

Day by day I find myself drowning in feelings I cannot put my finger on,
Not like a carefree momentum-fueled skater basking in wind echoing off the dips of concrete;
Rather a feeble insect surfing in the linoleum of a running sink, barely missing the drain with each wave.
Albeit, I am the one turning the faucet. If only I would turn it off.

I am surrounded by a pool of my tears.
Familiar, slow, melodies travel through my nerve endings.
The memories are all I can feel in my frail, numb body.
Why am I shaking again?
Is it because I miss the validation I got from my teachers in kindergarten?
Or the unfinished self-portrait in front of me that reminds me too much of my insufficiency?
Perhaps the unbearable gaze of ones who only have love to spare? Love is enough…right?

I’m glancing all over my enclosure, for anything to distract from the thoughts caving in on me.
My eyes fixate on the photo strips on the wall,
My other home grinning back at me.
Half the world but only a text away.
Why can’t I do it?
They will ask how I am. I can’t tell them,
That I have to go back.
I cannot live in this silent house no longer.
Please set me free,
To where I really belong.

I'm drowning in an ocean of you,
and only you.

There is no concept of time anymore.
A minute feels like hours,
but a year is just a moment.

I am sinking.
Whether fast and diving to the bottom,
or slow and drifting softly into the depths.

Sometimes the tide is harsh,
and throws me around.
Other times the sea rocks me softly
into an endless sleep.

At first I thrashed,
gasping for air but being empty of it.
I screamed and begged,
for I did not want to become the water.

Over time I accepted the calm blue warmth,
I embraced it.
I grew gills to adapt to the lack of oxygen,
and fins to swim through every thought of you.

I no longer am drowning;
I am choosing to stay.
I am navigating the crystal waters,
as if I've lived in them my whole life.

So if I am drowning:
I will tie large stones to my feet,
and embrace the darkness that is to come.

i cried out for help
my head bobbing up and down
as the waves threatened to pull me under
no one heard my pleas for rescue
my body grew tired
and i started sinking
water filled my lungs
and my vision began blackening
i floated at the bottom of the ocean
then suddenly
a rush of energy surged through my limbs
i swim to the surface
and fresh air never felt sweeter
before i know it
i'm at the shore
i flop onto the sand
and relax
with the knowledge
that no one will save you
save yourself

I saw you in the water
I wonder if you'll make me drown
You pulled me in and held me close
Like no one has ever held me before
I enjoyed the embrace, even if it would be the last
Making me forget how to swim
That's a drone in your Waters
The warmth of the embrace
The cold that starts to set in
I feel like I'm drowning
All the air has left my lungs
What am I to do
I can't fight it
I'm too far from the surface
The only one at around
the one who sunk me down
Do I deserve it
Is this my fault
Questions you ask yourself
in the final moment
Was anything truly worth it

These feelings flow inside me
Like the ebb and flow of waves
Sea levels keep on rising
As I struggle to grow as well

So constantly overflowing, overwhelmed
How can I hold it all in?
It's fire and not water that you can quell

Suddenly I'm out of breath
I'm sinking under water
Clutching at my neck -
I'm pulled deeper

Fire put out,
Lightless depths hold me closer.
My body lays in its clutches -
No will to hope at all.
All that's left is but cold embers,
No memory of a time where fires burned bright.

I open my eyes to the waters again,
Sway along with current,
Rise and fall with the tide,
Get a hang of it all,
Learn it all by hand.

But can I learn anything worth learning at all?

And I'll fail and learn from my mistakes
Try to be accountable for burdening others when I can't hold back
Waters turn turbulent, receding from my grasp,
Rising high,
Slamming its weight down, relentless,
My mind lost, struggling to find direction,
And I'm left trying to gather it all,
Water dispersed,
Pushing myself to reach out,
Rebuild the scattered pieces,
Rekindle what was snuffed out
With the little space I've scraped for it.

Where am I going with this all?

And I might be drowning,
With the enormity of that which I still struggle to grasp.
But slowly I'll learn to breathe this cold water again,
And hold on till the very end.