i don't know how to accept that you don't hate me.
no, don't tell me you don't.
actually, please do.
please, i need it.
just to breathe.
please,
stop.
i know you don't hate me,
but do you know that i'm falling apart?
does my love for you sink into your skin?
does it reach around your heart and hold you so close you feel like you'll fall apart if there were even an inkling of doubt?
is it noticeable?
that i'm crumbling?
that i don't know the difference between love and tolerance?
can i accept it as fact when you say you love me?
or will i continue to distance myself when really all i need to do is listen?
and no, i'm not asking for reassurance.
i'm begging.
i need it.
please, i need it
just to breathe.
please,
stop.

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.

I grow tired
But growth is being done
I stand, weary eyed
Still standing though, aren't I

My mind it tries to fool me
Play off my fragility
What she doesn't know
My hearts become full of hope

It's beating quiet
And sometimes slow
But it's there, that I know
That's all I need to grow

I fidget with anxious thoughts
A troubled mind
She'll tell me awful things
And she'll whisper little lies

"You are not good enough
You will not win
You'll never find your joy
Or Passion

Not beautiful
Untalented, unbright
Crooked girl with crooked mind

A silly child
On a dead end road
Full of fool's gold

Lackluster,
Growth only leads
To withering

Forget this slippery *****
Drop your empty hope,
You are not good enough!"

But I know
These thoughts are merely
Here to protect me
To convince me not to grow
Because growing means
Hurting
And change

Growing means everything
Must be rearranged
And that's scary, I know
But it's something we must do to cope

So quiet down, my mind
I know you think you're being kind
But heart and mind together
We could be so much greater

And I know no matter what
We'll grow through the rough
So lean on me a little
Let this heart beat
For both of us

Storms raging in my stomach
Tidal waves in my mind
Drowning in my sorrows
Will I ever survive?
I'm gasping for air with the winds ragin' 'round. Nothing makes sense because I can't hear a sound.
All I want is silence. All I want is peace.
I want all this to end, to escape my mind to make the noises cease.
Please Lord make this stop, make it hard for my thoughts to find me
......

My mind is full of questions
Questions that questions a lot of those questions even after they are done having me questioned

A lot of questions running through my mind till am feeling my state of mind is becoming questionable

Am I a fool called Wise or a wiseman who has just been fooled cos he thought his mind is full of wisdom while it is otherwise?

Still a lot of questions

Questions questioning some people's actions cos it seems my trust is now being questioned

But who said I can't be trusted?
If so, why put in my trust something which is in your trust but turn around to doubt my trust?

You asked how do I know?
No, why won't I know while I've got the spiritual nose to know this things long before it is physically known?

Still questions

Questions surfacing even while I write cos some parts I still wonder if they will be read right or if it is even right for me to have them written?

But why care about whether it is read right or wrong when I have the right to write what I wish to write?

Questions on what to title this piece with but my mind is not at peace with this questions so I won't give credit to questions till maybe when am totally at peace

So don't ask me why not "questions" but "state of mind", cos state of mind it is for now as that is my state of mind

It’s so plain to see,
Just how you will regress,
How else could it be?
Living in that excess.
And in the scorching heat
You’ll be left dried out,
I bet you’ll overheat,
Consumed by all that doubt.

Coincidences,

I see them, remember them --


in my doubtful head.

I felt my self mix and fold
equal portions of opposing selves,
a mix and fold of savoury and sweet
dark and light, crunchy and smooth
intrigue and delight
until the sweet hit of my self doubt
eventually cloaked the savoury of self knowledge
creating a disturbing after taste, which blurted out:
"Surely not me, Lord?"
And he handed the bread and the wine to me.