I lived in a vast darkness.
A fragile silence that even choked sobs could break.
But the black glass of quiet shattered,
When you battered the door.
Its hinges screamed,
Just as you did.
I cowered in the corner when I heard the bottle explode,
From where you threw it.

Then it was a blur.
Threats to give me a "real reason" to cry.
More glass smashed against the oak, before it collapsed onto the tile floor.

A sudden clarity filled me as I heard the click of a lock.
You had trapped me here.
The dark I had once longed to be in became a cage.

I screamed.
Begged.
Clawed the wood until my fingers bled and the paint peeled.
But you stomped away,
Leaving me in a suffocating blackness.

Time had passed differently then.
A day had become weeks,
But also a second.
Hunger consumed me and I was left to rot in my own filth.
The acrid smell from the bottles on the other side of the door burning my nose.

I don't know how long I was in there.
I don't know if I'll ever find out.
I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.

I still sleep with a light on,
And I still sleep with my room door open.
And I refuse to open the hall closet
That you put me in as a punishment,
For accidentally breaking a small vase.

I tried hard
not to hear forced
gasps and stop-start
slaps of feet on floorboards
upstairs.

I just sat
stirring Shreddies
beneath the milk
like submarines.

        ‘The hits keep coming’,
the man on the radio said,
as if he knew.
And a neighbour took me to school again.

I don’t know why the ambulance came,
details forever submerged in waters
deep and murky.
At least he was gone for a while.

Hello,
My name is Steph
And I am a domestic violence survivor.

I remember telling a Social Worker
That I was just collecting evidence
For my own ****** trial.

There were too many days
Where I truly expected
To die.

Once upon a time,
Common things like white trucks
And orange safety gear
And every single noise
Sent a shiver of panic
Down my spine.

Now I think about it less,
More like when a student
Tells me about her situation
And that she feels trapped,
Just like I did.

I guess this is what we call
Healing.

She undressed in the mirror.
Only the reflection watched.
I found her candle,
cold and forgotten.

Her hands moved like smoke
understanding how to be skin again.
Not performance. Not pleasure.
Just unlearning the habit of vanishing.

Her shadow held her shape
longer than I did.
She said: “Stay,
but forget.”

Her child slept,
four states and a foster name away.
She traced a name in steam,
the S curling like turning in sleep.
then let it melt under a kiss.

There was a song
caught in the ceiling,
something we never played
but always meant to.

I kissed her hair while it was still hair
and not a question
left behind on a pillow.

I opened the door,
it sang some other man’s name.
A line drawn, erased. No message left.
The room forgot its language.
My ghost obeyed
and lifted.

He who shall not be named,
Is the beginning, the creator, the cause
Of the rewiring, and the broken pieces to my brain
For I was just only 18 years old
He was a little older, maybe 20
But what he put me through
Felt like a world of hell, eternally
For I was not experienced, I was a ******
It all changed after the night I gave in,
With barely an ounce of courage
For after that, he changed and became sexually enraged
I didn't want it like he did, My life was becoming a bid
I would lock myself in the bathroom like it was a hidden cage
Only because he forced himself upon me and I always cringed
He tried busting through the door!
So I got really scared and started shouting
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS ANYMORE!!
But it didn't help, a house full of people
And all I could do was silently cry, and welp
Being dragged back to the bedroom that I now hated
Feeling so disrespected, so misguided, so jaded
I would tell him no, please don't do this
He'd look at me and tear my clothes off,
With an eager look in his eyes, as he's licking his lips
I'd push him away, I'd push him off of me!
But he was stronger and he held me down!
He covered my face with a pillow, hollowing out the sound
A house full of people, and they thought I was just going to town
After a while I gave up and let him just have it, have me
And every relationship after that, was the same
Yet, somehow, so much more differently
The bruises I had developed on the inside of my legs
Were always blue and purple, and sometimes even beat red!
Only the punishment didn't stop there, that's where it began
He treated me like I was part of a *******
Like I was just some pig he wanted to hurt and hang
After 6 months, I finally told him I needed space
I don't know how I managed to gather the strength
To look this monster in his eyes, straight to his face
I told him, I said,
"You need to leave and never come back to this place!"
The next day I told everyone who was there at the house
But no one believed me, so I continued to live in trauma
All by myself, and all alone, and as silent as a mouse.
For he was the first person to introduce me into a world like that
Which is something I'm trying my hardest to let go of and forget!


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's two or three in the morning and I'm sound asleep
Next thing I know, I'm being woken up,
No longer peaceful, or dreaming of cows and sheep
Woken up with his arm around my neck, squeezing my throat
It's two or three in the morning and I just want to sleep
I never did anything to this person, he was just a mean creep
Meanwhile, I'm being choked for refusing to get up
To make him a sandwich. Of all sandwiches, a PB&J
My first reaction to this encounter was to scream or shout
But I couldn't, I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe
That's when I knew this wasn't a man who loved me
This was a boy who had problems being told no, accordingly
I took my free arm, and I used all the strength I had left
And I slapped him in his face, hard as I could just to break free
Then it escalated and I was thrown out of the room, violently
His whole family was there, as it was a farmhouse
From the recent incident, I had new found holes in my night blouse
But when it all came to the light, I was somehow at fault
I'm the one who got choked, and treated like dirt
But everyone took his side, and that simply.. Hurt
His whole family came at me, and attacked me verbally
When I told my side of the story, they just looked at me like I was crazy
There was no way he could "hurt someone, especially a woman physically"
I knew then and there, that I was on my own
I stayed. I don't know why. But I stayed.
Things kept happening, but the final straw
was when we went out of town
We went to PA to pick up his cousin,
what a mistake that was for me,
As I was too blind to come to terms with what was already known
He was cheating on me with this girl.
Treating her like gold, like she was the only woman in the world
I couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears when it all came to light
I stood there like a fool, trying to preach my case, trying to fight
For a boy who pretended to be a caring man
Only to find out, he was playing family with his own cousins hand
After a year and a half, I decided to leave
Because it wasn't worth suffocating, when I needed to breathe
To this day, I still find it so hard to believe
That he ultimately chose his own cousin over me.
I was just the victim in his story, obviously.
But he was nothing but a simple minded person to his family
It was a scary time for me as I was so young
But like they always say, fools fall in love
While being, young and dumb
I'm just grateful I could get away from this evil one.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025