My mind is at war with itself.
Neither side willing to give an inch to the other.

"It's like 2 sides
Of the same coin"

Is that what you think?
Is that what you say?

Well flip that **** coin already,
Tell me how this all plays out.
Take me from this constant hell.

Oh look, it's landed on its edge.
Balancing precariously in the middle, just like me.

Now tuck me back into bed,
I guess I'll just sleep forever  
In this haunting nightmare.

There is a hum
That hears not me
But it.
The very reflection of itself
Ever present
Vibrant.
Buzzing
-It rings
A zing, to the
Past present and future
Its connected.
Reminding me to nurture,
Release.

Dont break the hum
Embrace it
So it doesnt drone on
Rather, the particles bond
Dont diffuse it
For it is music
It is The background to this rhetoric
And the catalyst serving as my outlet
Usurping my pouting fit
Cant let this be a nuissance
But rather serve me in this instance
For im set to fix
This mess thats got me in a twist
May i recognize the circumstances
That can help me ground this
Body ive been given to walk around in.
And so i hear the hum
That hears not it
So i can be here this very moment
In a blissful state
Instead of discord and dissonance.

inject me with every insecurity
deny me my foresight
scoop my eye sockets dry
with silver spoons from childhood plight
turn the corners of my mouth upward with pins
in stifling approvable of your apathy
rip my teeth from root so i cannot express
grief and wild unrest
burn me of my tongue
make it so i struggle to say your name
twist and mangle my wrists
bend my fingers back
(one, two, three)
listen to the splintering bone
the intoxicating frailty
listen like your favorite song
the fading circulation in hi-fi stereo (on repeat)
bend my back for you
turn away as my spine snaps
under weight from mild neglect
unravel my nerves
string them like a guitar
play me a discord
cut me open with sharp words
and leave me exposed
slide my discs
until i’m weak in the knees
string me up by my ankles
and sever my feet to gain inches on me
peel back my skin
bind my veins
tether them to floor boards and ideas of leaving me
watch as the desperation seeps from me
tangle my hair and pull it back
like weighty curtains from my skull cap
crack me open
unspool my brains
re-wire my circuitry
introduce color then reverse it back
blow your breath into my ear
let it circle and suffocate me
will me not to feel
it will only complicate me
pull the desperation from the air
my fixed, heavy rain cloud
drape me with uncertainty
cover me in soot and paint me a burden
set me on fire
leave a thought
let it continue to escape me
you dot your “i’s” with crippling intensity
dripping in heartfelt symphonies
my velveteen,
you are a looming aftertaste
a foundation
a voracious hunger
to set roots deep within bone

I was thinking love,
You were thinking leaving.
You were moving on
And I was still believing.

Life is ever changing
No matter how it starts;
Some of it is wonderful,
Some can break our hearts.
We start out like a storybook
Two souls that meld as one
Everything we choose to do
Becomes our special fun.

Going out and staying in
Are legendary loving things.
Today it’s easy to ignore
Tomorrow waiting in the wings.
So, I paid very little mind to
That you chose not to talk
And never quite got around to
Holding hands when we walk.

I was thinking love,
You were thinking leaving.
You were moving on
And I was still believing.

At first even in wintertime
My heart was warm as toast.
Sitting by the fireside snuggled
That was what liked most.
I was storing up memories
Of every single loving day.
You were figuring how you could
Quickly go your own way.

I was thinking love,
You were thinking leaving.
You were moving on
And I was still believing.

My heart beats with dissonance—
the kind of clash that grits teeth
and twists pretty faces.
Still, she pulses, unforgiving,
to her own imbalance,
aware of her existence;
aware that the definition of music
is infinite,
and her song will never beg
to be understood.

Maybe I'm not right for you,
Maybe I'm not right for you,
This dissonance that makes me up
May be incongruous with you.

The petty things that sting my sides..
Drive me crazy as i smile.
My arguments, they come in strides,
But they have been building up for quite a while.

I know that who I am makes no sense,
So I'm in disbelief when you paint me with bliss.
You'll see that feeling will subside--
The "I don't think it can get any better than this"

I meander because it's safe,
I walk around liquid concrete,
Because I'm not nice option to get to know,
Just a nonsensical girl who's nice to meet.

Maybe I'm not right for you,
Maybe I'm not right for you,
But i will never let you know
Confusion tends to spite the truth.

My mind is expanding,
But these grades are demanding.
Though my ways stand out
My GPA is not outstanding.

What good is knowledge,
If you can’t prove it on paper?
I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD!!!
But getting good grades is safer.

So I must be productive,
My right to dream has been abducted,
I once considered reflective struggles constructive,
But marginal quotas interrupt it

I’m feeling inspired,
My drive is now fired!
Oh but I can’t attend to that now..
Because I can’t study when I’m tired.

So I put it off,
Dreams are lost,
Robot mode on,
in a society of full of
scholarly knock-offs.

"Serendipity does not exist,"
"You’re choosing to fail if you’re choosing to live,"
"Why live creatively if you can puff, click or sip?"
I’m in an abusive relationship with my To-Do list

Don’t lose track,
Don’t look back,
Because time is money
And honey,
society will tell you how you spend it.
If you just let it.

few things can calm me - the wrawl in the rain
chasse on the glasses, soirée on the pane
atoms of home - blood & bone - body's wane (and they're)
falling in ribbons of pewter so plain

fog laying softly, the wafting unterse
soundlessly haunting the grounds by its curse
ripples on crystalline mirrors disperse (in the)
capable hands of the watersong verse

nubes - replace the azure with the grey
bouncing the pavement with vestige of play
spirit in footfall, the speckled ballet (for the)
ruse to confuse sprightly night with the day

few things can calm me - the wrawl in the rain
please, weeping clouds, keep the crazy ones sane!
and as you slow down, i'll pray you regain (all your)
previous sorrow so we'll feel the same

Saturation,
no space left in my mind.
So many questions and
so much emotion
that I can't think.
All the things that I used to
see as simple tasks or
thoughts won't link.
No coherence
in my brain. Juxtaposition,
of ideas leads my actions
to dissonance.
Enjambment in
every movement that I make.

There's a conflict of interest
And it's conflicting with perfection
And reason.

Distance would make this
All too simple a decision,
If it were a matter of choice,
But it isn't.

It's a matter of my split
Affection.
It's a game of amazing chance
And weighing out lonely nights
Against the opportunities to luck out.

There are outcomes that I
Can only dream about.

There are bigger aspects of life
That might as well
Not even exist,
As I am blind and ignorant.

There's a case to be made
For experience, I'm sure
But I, surely,
Am in no shape
To make it.

Carry me out
Of this hellhole.
Take me
To your side of heaven
Where life is long
And beauty is so much more
Than skin deep.

You understand me,
And you comprehend life
On my wavelength.
You can crawl under the surface
And tear out the wires
And you can make the clock
No longer tick.

I'll never doubt you.

We're cut from the same cloth
Only your strands
Were probably more expensive.

I'll wait outside
Of your side of heaven
Because admission
From this distance
Is ridiculous.

There's no reason to try.