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cleo Dec 2020
got all these voices in my head
and monsters in my bed
and memories of words and things
i can't recall i said
cleo Dec 2020
miles away
i’m feeling F a r  A w a y…
i see myself and i just float (t)here
waiting to wake up from this fog

things are hazy
curse that **** juice
what happened exactly?
the words are heavy on my tongue…

can’t get myself to spit them out
can’t get myself to speak the truth
can’t get myself to admit what you did to me

out of character behavior
out of body experience

oh
you don’t remember
oh
i’m sorry i’m holding onto things you forgot all about

i tried to use you as an antidepressant
you just used me
i should have left my feelings for you at the door

i wish i had said no to you
i wish i had been given the choice

i’ve got to let it go (but when? and how?)
if i don’t think about it, it won’t hurt.. right?
gotta focus on someday cuz today hurts a little too much

i wish i could stop thinking about this
i wish i could forget you
i wish you could understand that i don’t hate you
i just wish i’d never met you
some old writing
xandra Nov 2020
the hazy atmosphere reflects how sometimes your eyes just-
defocus.
.
as tendrils drip off branches,
they become the worries that manifest in the back of your head,
dancing around the stem of your mind.
.
frigid air mimics the chills you get as you sit on your bed,
staring blankly at a blue-lit screen.
the wind howls with thoughts racing through your mind;
a rain droplet, suspended on the surface are words at the tip of your fingers, frozen,
waiting for release;
permission to plummet to their true place in the world.
.
the mist and raindrops on the window are weight on your shoulders
and periodic piercing stabs in your chest.
.
~wind chill is the waves of sadness
traveling in whatever random intervals~
clouds rolling in and out bring both unease and angst, and silence and solace.
.
but, same as torrential storms, with time, the sadness passes. where your body experiences incredible pangs of hurt, eventually, you’ll feel peace pour over you the way rain covers the world in a crystalline curtain-
.
if i’m honest, i think rainy days embody aspects of
dissociation and/or depression
really well
The world warps
And goes fuzzy around the edges
Like I am not real,
A place holder or chest piece.
My limbs do not move like they are mine,
As if they are foreign bodies attached to my trunk.
The floor is the only solace.
I melt into the stiff boards and rough carpet
Until the world tilts back and becomes
Whole again.
Fatema Aj Nov 2020
I am not sure who i am
Feels like you know your program
I am here floating, *******!

I am here and there
And everywhere
And it’s hard to sleep
There and here
And where every where is

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?

I apologise
I don’t open my mouth much
My tongue is on a crutch
I apologise
For my eyes
As they wonder off
They like to run around the roses

I am nothing
But even nothing is something
It’s exhausting
And quite daunting
Maybe even hunting
Am i rambling?
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