I tried
I'm spent
I give up
I relent

I quit
I'll just stop
I can't stand
I just flop

I'm broke
I'm a mess
I've no *****
I regress

I've failed
I won't fight
I'm lost
I can't write

Is this it ? Is this (to be) the One ?
....No! It won't work, it never does... they never do
It works for others yes!
But no! not for me
Have seen too many false dawns now
I won't fool myself again with thoughts of...
Thoughts of El Dorado land.

Just because I've found a new way
And it'll feel good for a little while
But then it'll go just like they always go
Those nice feelings that come
They lie to me, they laugh at me
Make a fool of me every time
Like a mirage
Dancing tantalisingly in the distance
Only to disappear once you grow near
I know their not going to last, not going to stay
They'll not take me... not take me to El Dorado land.

But still, maybe... maybe I'll celebrate all the same
Just for the hell of it
Make believe that this was surely IT this time
Yea! I'll get a little drunk and pretend, pretend I've found it at last
What I've always been looking for,
All those years of looking and never finding
Feeding on scraps, vague intuitions, funny dreams and feelings...
Even though I know it's not gonna work
Knowing that behind it all it was always bound to fail
That I'll always be outside those gates looking in
Knowing I'm not invited.

                          II

They talked of a land that was wondrous, marvellous!
Not something out there but something here within
Of a strength that was golden, that was yours and yours alone
That could never be stolen
A great treasure that lay inside... that lay within
I read their books, I studied their maps
And then I set out, I set out for El Dorado land.

I followed them as best I could
I tried, I tried but seemed to lose every time
I know - I know I did it wrong
I always do it wrong
Wrong is where I live I think
Wrong is where I come from
Probably Wrong is where I belong.

I'm old now
I watched and waited too long
And nothing much really happened
And no one...no one came.

To have lived and never to have seen, never to have known
El Dorado land.

Finding love in a hopeless world is a treasure
Finding something real feels impossible
Something filled with hopes and dreams
With respect and admiration.
We hold on so tight when we're scared
Afraid to wake up from the dream
Afraid that the other person will see,
All the darkness and pain we're hiding.
But I could see it, and I didn't run.
Yet once again I stand on the battlefield
Alone with sword in air,
Ready to fight.
But for what?
Why am I the one who is always fighting?
Why am I the one bloodied and bruised
Fighting for my heart to belong to someone?
It's time to lay down my arms
It's time to put away the armor
I have faught a loosing battle for too long
I will no longer fight for them.
You want to claim this heart, fight for it
If you want me in your life, fight for me
I am tired of proving myself
I am not the problem.
I have seen the light inside of me,
A fire raging with passion and love
I have seen the strength inside myself
And I will no longer be made interior.
I've been waiting for the shoe to fall,
For the secret to be revealed that I'm not enough
That I am somehow unworthy of love
But I AM ENOUGH
At the end of the day, are you?

i sent you a playlist, of music that i love.
because it's hard to tell you how i feel;
i doubt you listened to it though.

The trouble with ends is not ends
As such as ends always come,
Sooner or later the good or the bad
I have in my life will absolutely,
Like my life here,
End,

No - what hurts is not the ending
But those realisations one has beforehand,
That something was a mistake,
Or that what I thought I knew
I just
Don't,

When you know someone
Truly appreciates you,
Gets who you are
Warts and all then find they dont,
And worse than that - they
Won't.

and I hope catching a glimpse of what you can't have is worth losing what you already do.