I didn't have a lot of choices growing up.
Not unless you count the way I wanted him.  

Painful or excruciating.

I didn't have much power either.  
No amount of prayers, wishing, hoping, begging would change his mind.  

Not to say that I didn't try though.

I have a difficult time conveying just how strong my memories and flashbacks are.  I appear calm and collected to the passerby.  I have to.  But peer into my soul and you will see the claw marks of my pain. Scraping their way down into a collective pool of boundless grief and torment log jammed by the planks of fear and shame.

I long to turn myself inside out and bare my rotting scars.  To have someone besides myself witness what bubbles to the surface just long enough to be squelched again.  Power and a choice.  That is what I beg to find within those murky waters.

A choice to change.  
A choice to pull the planks and let the stagnant flow.

The power to persevere.  
The power to put them in their rightful place.  
Forever.

You are addicted to your own sadness,
only speaking upon your hardships so you can feel something again.

you latch onto the pure ones in hope of being found,
but once you've been corrupted there's no turning around,

So be gentle with the innocent ones left,
for they can remind you of what life was before you wept.

There once was a girl and a boy
The girl opened up herself
And trusted the boy,
He broke her heart,
And she was shattered
Time went by
And she learned to trust again
Eventually he came back into her life
This time she thought she was being smart
She foolishly gave him another chance
He abused her trust,
And devastated her
She was irreversibly damaged
Now she trusts no one,
Not even herself

This mind of mine
is fragile, yet strong.
Fighting a constant battle between
the light and dark,
Each tugging at the strings
that keep this damaged soul
Tethered to the stakes of a grim reality.

Each path is tempting...
The swirling darkness that threatens
to engulf me in its sensual embrace.
The warm luminance that
Holds promises of days filled
with intense love and quiet bliss.

The battle rages on.

i remember how it felt when we were sitting on top of your car
staring out into this little city
with expensive taste
the feeling of my head leaning onto your shoulder was so comforting
the sun was setting and your body was guarding the sun from shining on my face
we sat there in complete silence for a few minutes
and then you asked me how my grandma passed away
so i said it
you listened and wrapped your arm around me when i got weak
then you opened up to me and i grabbed your hand and held it
i kept looking at you and i heard the hurt in your voice
and i wish you would let me in the walls you've built around
so we can light a match and burn it down
but there is no doubt in my mind
that if you could
you'd crack my ribcage open
and pull my heart right out when ever you wanted to
and then id be left with nothing
but the words you said to my ear
that have sunk into my veins
and wont get out of my skin

I tried to fix you,
Because that's what I do.
I look for imperfections and cracks.
And as I tried to put your pieces
Back together, I
Noticed that I was
Slowly
Chipping away.
I am more broken than you.
Instead of putting you back
together, I should have been
saving myself.