Shock.
Two words
Hitting you like a train.
It takes a second to sink in.
The reality of it all.

Denial.
No. Not possible.
He is so young.
The doctor said he was fine.
This cannot be happening...

Anger.
Screaming at the heavens.
Why me?
I thought my God cared.
So then why is he doing this?

Fear.
What will happen to our family?
Is he going to die?
Will he ever walk me down the isle?
What if...?

Reality.
The tests, doctors, meetings.
They all blend together.
I can't separate one from another.
Because they all say the same things.

The Unknown.
They say chemo will make him weak.
He may not be able to do basic things.
And the same question still haunts me:
Will he make it?

Two pills to greet the morning
To wake up from the night before
Before the morning's over
There'll be at least four pills more
Her children never see this
Mother keeps her secret well
But, just in case she slips up
Father makes sure he, too. doesn't tell
Yes, Mummy is a pill freak
A suburban ****** in our midst
It's more common than you realize
I've names here to make a list
By ten she's popped two more pills
The kids are safely off at school
What the parents do not notice
Is that the children are not fooled
More pills again at lunch time
Then it's off for tennis at the club
Two more pills when she is finished
Just before her tan and rub
You see, Mummy is an addict
She eats pills like most eat cake
She's a really super actress
Miss one pill and she might break
Two years ago she had a problem
She was drinking, never touched a pill
Then she went to "camp" to dry out
that's where she found her brand new thrill
Daddy, he keeps her secret
lets her fool the PTA
You see, Daddy is her doctor
He makes sure that she's ok
The kids are home before mum
She's popped two to mellow out
She's the only mum their friends say
No ones ever heard her shout
Once the pills wear off, what is next
What addiction shall she feed?
She's tried ***** and now narcotics
What will help her fuel her need?
Daddy's mummy's little helper
Keeps her secret and his too
You see daddy has his own diversion
And she's only twenty two!!!

A face that is old and gray
Words you don't speak astray
Hands that is rough as clay
now my daughter holds to play

A good life you give to us
You sacrifice your time apart
The love you send ocean's away
My ignorance can't symphatize

Moments lost and can't be bought
But today I never thought
Behind those specs I see in you
A dad I'm glad I knew

California daddy
buy me pricey whiskey
take me out to dinner
bring me home and get tipsy

yeah we're narcissistic *******
and we feed each other's egos
not the villains of the story but
don't pretend to be the heroes

sit me on your lap
light my cigarette
firm grip on my ***
yeah we're ******* to forget

How could a father treat strangers better than his own daughter?
Aren’t fathers supposed to love their children?
Who was there when I scraped my knee? not you
Who taught me that a man could be so cruel? You
When venomous lips critiqued me
When I would lie in bed so tired of your alcohol
When I wished I had the dad that other girls had
Are you even a father? A man? Or just completely lost to me?

"you're such a good girl."

Sour whiskey breath spread against my cheek.

"do you want this?"

I shook my head, trying to breath, to scream the words no! I don't!

"yes, you do, my good girl"

no, I don't!

"will you be my good girl?"

I promise I will be your good girl, I promise, just please don't do it again.

"you're my good girl."

*daddy, please stop

You show me the effects of seeing the world only as a cruel, dark, unhappy place.
You show me what can happen to someone who treats others with little care
You show me how protecting your loved ones can eventually suffocate them
You show me how far insensitivity and anger can get you
You show me the importance of having a kind, gentle heart
You show me the value of being compassionate and considerate
You show me everything a person should be
By being someone whose grip is too strong to be calming
By being a cold, unhappy soul who does not want to attempt any tenderness
You were supposed to be my first love
But now I see you with a heavy heart
Yes, I love you
But that doesn't mean I do not feel anger