You weren’t around much when we were growing up,
There were so many things you missed,
Like when I had my first kiss.
I get that you thought you were doing your best,
But you never noticed that I was a mess.
You were trying to give us a great life by always working,
But that meant I couldn’t tell you when that boy came lurking.
All I needed was my dad.
You were never there, and that made me sad...
You didn’t know how to be a dad,
Not even a tad.
You left when we were young,
And that’s how my story without a dad begun.
But then one day that changed,
You saw how lost I was in life’s maze.
You helped me,
You loved me.
You told me you were sorry,
And that this chapter in my journey was nothing but a short worry.
So I forgive you for not being around when I was a little birdy,
You’ve come into my life in the middle of my journey.
I know you are trying,
Thank you for holding me when you see that I’m crying.
So welcome to being a dad,
Life without you was really bad.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger,
letting tears fall
down on the pillow
of silence and sadness,
of swears and talking downs.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger
waiting for it to crash —
wondering if i would crash it
or drive off a cliff
had i been the one driving.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger
disregarding seatbelts,
and wishing it was
the very last ride.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger,
you, meeting the snow storm, head-on
headlights fading
or maybe it was the last of bits light
ensnared by
the crashes and the blood
and the cars burning
on the side of the road.

and i sat on our
passenger seat
for the last time, dad.

and not anymore.

I remember you in the mornings, when I drink my first cup of tea
I remember you when I call home and you are not there to say “hi, is that smee?”
I remember you when I’m driving with the radio on, and the DJ plays that annoying song
I remember you when we have a day out at the beach; chucking ball with each other, always just out of my reach
I remember you when I call at Mums expecting to see you there, sitting in your chair; ready for a natter, politics religion or anything else for that matter
I remember you when I pick the kids up in the car, how late at night you would pick me up no matter how far
I remember you on our anniversary and how you looked that day, pride in your eyes as you gave me away
I remember you when the England Cricket Team had their day; you would have been frustrated but elated with the way they played
I remember the wonderful Dad you were and how your arms around me showed you cared.
I remember you every day Dad and always wish you were here.

I always remember **