Mom, dad, you were really good at pretending you were
I thought that we were cookie cutter family before I knew what I know about you now
I never really thought I had any kind of issues with you
Never really thought I'd ever have any kind of issues to conceal under this house
I feel like I can see your true colors now, but sometimes I think they're colors I could never comprehend, it all just makes me want to leave town

I know you've done a lot for me dad, you care, you really do, but you're losing control of your own emotions
I can't even talk to you, and I wish all the phone calls weren't awkward, and I know I'll have to call you today too, and act like everything isn't already eroding
How can I keep my cool after all the bad news
It's hard to follow in your steps, when you don't even have shoes
I'd like to say the things you said would just leave a bruise
But they left a scar, and no matter what you do you're still going to lose

If you ever go back you'll see things aren't the same, and everything that happens is just chemical, so no matter what happens it's meant to be, but you never even tried to make the best of it here, you never accepted that destiny before your feet
You can say you had your life ripped away from you, but you think it was easy for me?
When we got here I was abused, for the first couple years I didn't have any real friends, and was socially abused
I'm kind of glad that happened though, because I'm happy with who I am, and I think that all that ******* was worth something too
You have to take everything that happens and make it the best you can, if you don't try that Dad, then what's your plan
Please, I'd like to know, what cards have you got in your hand?
You're not even playing the game, I suppose 'you're not a fan'

You can blame anybody you want to for your life, but you make your own decisions in the end
And even though you might have made the right one, it wasn't the best one for you and your end's
All it was, was making end's meet, never enjoying life, all you ever did was take a seat
Watch all my year's fly by with a breeze
You can't make up for that, and I'm going to make sure I don't make the same mistake
If I died trying to be happy, then so be it, it was meant to be
I will never make the same mistake, the biggest lesson you ever taught me was unintentional
Everything just taught me how to see things you could never see

when i was a little girl
i thought my daddy hung the moon
he worked a lot
but i had the best daddy in the world

when i got a little older
i started to go to my friends' house to play
and i saw their daddies
their daddies were home every day and night
their daddies loved their mommies
their daddies had time for their little girls
but maybe
my daddy just worked a lot. . .

when i was barely a teen
my mommy died
a week later
my dad brought over a new mommy
(but daddy loved mommy)
my dad started telling me lies
(i don't think daddy lied to me..)
my dad has more time for his girlfriends than he does for me
(daddy's only girls were mommy and me)

in my last year of high school
my father left and bought a house
1,102 miles away
he still thinks he's daddy.

Bordered by an old fashioned picture frame
A man, curiously familiar, moustached, astute
With a smiling bride, his eyes aflame
And a brown "The Spy Who Loved Me" suit  

This was the first "real" connection with him
Displayed on my grandparents window shelf
Some how I knew I was missing a limb
Some how I knew I wasn't entirely myself

Patches of my memories dwell in clusters
perhaps I am mentally impaired.
I remember going to Ghost Busters
I remember being really scared.

Shaking inside trying to be brave
ashamed to being frightened of ghouls.
But that film soon became a fave
just as did playing snooker and pool.

I am aware that I have not let him know
that whist every time I have nearly drowned.
An island of him has rose from the flow
and let my two feet again find the ground.

Also, that as I have moulded myself into a man
he has been an integral aspect of my design.
Thanks to him I can have an extraordinary tan
I love a pun, good whisky and being on time.

So lets heartily toast the bygone days
now we can laugh about the happy and sad.
And let's swirl a whisky each others way
Because when all said and done, your my Dad.

When all my goals and wishes have run out

and all that matters are yours and only yours...


I want you to feel good about yourself

Each time you fall, each time you feel any regret
...


Goodness, so help me...

Hey dad
Do you remember me?
As a baby?
Do you remember me,
Remembering you?
As newborns typically don't do.
Smile laugh and reach for you.

I imagine the same reaction if
I were to see your face
This Father's Day.

I feel incomplete
As if you were stolen
At your peak
You were gone

New years 96'
I held your hand
Complete in that moment
Forever

March 97'
The knock at my door
A new pain
Changed my life

I'm cheated
Not Sad
Too short
Wish you were here

The loss of my father is infinitely painful.
Never again will I receive his love directly.
My father's love was unique.
My father loved me unconditionally.
He made everything okay, promising he'd be there.
Always.
It was how he loved unconditionally;
That's why I miss him so.
His attentive ear, watchful eyes, loving embrace.
His words: patient, yet firm, loving, yet chastising.
My worries lessened when he was present.
Always.
Every moment I breathe,
That's when I miss him.
When I'm smiling, laughing: in joy.
When I'm lonely, crying: in sadness.
In every emotion, in every life experience, I miss him.
Always.
How can I live without his loving presence?
For the rest of my time on Earth?
But he guides me, walks with me each day.
He holds me close, reminding me he hasn't truly left,
Because that's the nature of my father's love: he's with me.
Always.

I didn’t get the chance to say
Just what you mean to me
You always were my hero, Dad
I wish I’d made you see
That no matter what you did or said
And the promises you made
I always thought the world of you
Your place I’d gladly trade.

I don’t like it here without you
I feel lost and out of place
Even though I was a daddy’s girl
I can’t bear to see your face
Staring back in those old photos
You look happy, but just in case
I can see the pain behind your eyes
Though we never saw a trace.

You must have felt so lonely
But I hope towards the end
You truly found some peace of mind
Those demons weren’t your friend
Though you were so far from home
You were always in my heart
I can’t believe you’ve gone from here
I should grieve but don’t know where to start.

I didn’t get to tell you
That I love you, and ask you why
I hope that you can hear me
Every night when I lay and cry
You’ll never be forgotten Dad
This is my goodbye
Your love for me I could never question
Goodnight Dad, I’ll see you in heaven