Ed is beckoning me.

You could be lighter, thinner, better.
Feel those powerful bones.
Feel the control, the achievement.
This body is yours to hone.

No fat jiggling on your body
Firm skin and muscle is all
Feeling wispy, light and airy
Wonderful and small.

I just want to be thinner.

---

Girls across the world wishing for this
As they scroll through unlimited feeds
Young and impressionable
Fairly easy to do
Just don't eat.

But it can become an obsession,
Always wanting more
Always an imperfection to fix
Just another pound more

Diet, diet, diet.
Eat this, not that.
No carbs, no sugar, no processed food.
Keto helps get rid of fat.
The messages are relentless
They're everywhere we look.
We are so obsessed with our bodies
Diet culture has us hooked.

I worry about the younger generation
More exposure to images of thin
Sharing tips for what to eat in a day
Eating bread considered a sin.

That path leads to destruction.
A trap that holds you tight.
Where your world revolves around food and exercise
Though you feel depressed and lose sight.
Something you can't snap out of
Will almost take your life
As anxiety and depression consume you
But you just can't take one more bite.

We need to start glorifying balance
More images of normal people.
Rewire the way we think about food and exercise
Something more in the middle.

I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts
Though some days they scream very loud.
I don't need to be smaller.
I need to raise my voice and be proud

Popping joints
Pop
Pop
Pop
Ill-fitting limbs
Aching bones
Tearful eyes
Driven to indifference
by its own design
A bleeding heart
Fractured, but not yet consumed
A clumsy mouth
Incomprehensible words
It thinks to say something
Its mouth refuses to open
Its throat stays closed
Looks like today
is a
no voice
day.

I would shed my skin
Leaving dust and bone by the cliffside
And bare myself to the world
Amidst the storm of lightning and thunder
I would hold lightning in my hand
And grip it tightly as it struggled and squirmed
Uncaring of the black blood soaking my hands and the ground
From its burning arches of light
Until I finally set aflame
And leave you to watch,
gripping the fabric of your sleeves
As I jump

from the precipice

to fly

And



drop

soundlessly into the sea
lost
in the roaring crescendo
of life
itself

As water had birthed life and nurtured it
One day I would emerge
Unrecognizable to your tearful eyes

But Gods aren't meant to be beautiful
And angels strike mortals with madness
And turn the impure blind
So as I return
Having been dipped into the lifeblood of our world
I spiral into the sky
"Goodbye" unable to leave your trembling lips
And tears falling unbidden
The only words I know now
"Be not afraid"
I took with me into the sky

So I leave you
With no understanding
And only the atrocity
That I had become

“Ding!” my phone screen lit up.
A few seconds later… “Ding!”
Instagram notifications of the newest posts from my peers pop up incessantly.

It has become ubiquitous to see other teenage girls posting “glamorous” pictures of themselves online,
Dolling up with makeup, accessories, and fancy clothes revealing their bodyline
“Wow you look so pretty”, such comments are seen under these posts frequently,
I can’t help but sometimes wonder: Is it worth seeking this validation that they receive?

Some peers wish to pursue popularity from their physical appearances,
I admire their confidence but to me, this is quite foreign
In a constellation of stars, each star tries its best to stand out among the crowd,
Similarly, most people want their physical attractiveness to be eulogized out loud

“Am I weird for not following such trends?” is something I occasionally ponder about,
I tell myself to take a step back and reflect- should I be doing this just for clout?
Why am I so different from the rest- being pococurante about such “popularity”?
Is not seeking validation and recognition from others about our worth an aberrancy?

Personally, I just hope that people will see the true, realest me;
I am confident in my own skin and appearance- I don’t need others’ validation and decree
I am learning to not compel myself to fit into and follow what is “trendy”,
But instead, work towards being me and who God wants me to be

21/11/2021