The whites are missing from your eyes, darling, and there's nothing
I can do to bring your body back to life.

And my darling, you know that I love you, but you love your demons
more than you could ever love me.


Found poem from lyrics in "Demons" by Social Repose and "Waking Up" by PVRIS.

I take off my summer skin,
peel back bronzed afternoons
and cleave through
those muggy mornings
you were still here

but not for long.

My hair is not a raven's wing,
A wave of black, a river whose
treacherous shores
you long to explore.

My ******* are no doves: soft and fluttering;
No Promised Land of milk and honey:
there is no one to welcome you home.

My stomach is not a valley of wonders
leading to a treasure so many men
have died for.

My eyes are not slanted windows to some
ancient Eastern wisdom; no obsidian pools
that many great warriors have drowned in.

My features are not exotic
My skin is not silken
My soul is not unknowable
My mind is not inscrutable
And my body is not your muse.

The mechanism of my body is ticking away the moments:
clinical seconds, dehydrated hours, years washed too clean.

The orbit of my ribs makes its rounds with momentous clicking
felt as a ripple- a forte into seizure.

There's something industrial in the alignment of these organs:
A factory of ventricles straining against the assembly line.

I'm a blood clock, tragic motor; I'm an organism
too mechanical to hold.

With a liver like a coal burner and lungs to expel the smoke,
how can I find a way back to being human.

the blood rushes through the body, seeking natural reprieve
cascading world upon world, dawdling as it does please
until it's caught carelessly like loosened lightning in sea
a marvel in majestic malady, i witness; wait assuredly

So why haven’t I acted upon it and get the body of my dreams? The truth is I have, I am, and I  constantly fail because I am filled with fear and doubt. I constantly doubt myself and tell myself that it will never happen. There’s some part of my brain that tells me that I am not capable of it because I don’t deserve it. Why? I don’t know.

I fear change and the thought of going through painful experiences crushes my confidence and faith that I have in myself.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and not look at what I'm insecure about. I want to be able to look at my body with love and not hate what I see. I want to be confident in myself. I want to be able to walk in a store and not have a mental breakdown when all I see is the tag that says “Small” and be able to hold back my tears. I want to be able to say out loud how much I weigh without feeling ashamed or guilty. I want to be proud of myself, I want to be happy with how I look without having to pretend like it’s ok that I look like this.

Everyone encourages you to be happy with the way you look,
why should someone encourage you to be satisfied with what you have
when what you are is unhealthy and lazy with no motivation whatsoever

I constantly thinking of you,
I picture your beautiful eyes watching mine.
I imagine what it would feel like to be in your arms.
Im falling in love with you, but I'm drowning,

in my doubt, in my self-sabotage
that you don't love me.

This distance between us kills me,
I'm trying to hold on, I want to believe that you want me but
the way you act sometimes pulls in  this wave of rejection and fear
and everything comes crashing down in my face.