I would love to say our friendship is inherent. To say that our hearts beat to
the same pulse, that we have the blood inside us in common, and that our
words blend into each other perfectly seems like the right thing to say.
However, I would be lying. I have to fight and beg my emotions to reveal
themselves to you.
Trying to write about us feels like drawing water from a frozen well.
Miscommunications happen often and it's difficult to tell what you're
thinking.
But still, we are us anyways.
The water in the lake we grew up around knows our lives well. If its pebbles
and sand could speak, they would recite our every word back to us better
than we could.
The moon knows how much I care about you because I tell her often. She
shines brightly at our stories.
Even when I don't understand you, my mind pleads to.
My hands write the words I can't tell you, and the world of poetry knows
how desperate I am for you to know these things.  
My art glows with my expressions of you. It tells visual stories I have never
spoken.
We are not inherent. I have never been able to tell you exactly how much I
care about you. I am terrified of confrontation and disagreements, so I don't
always say exactly what I think.
But I'll always try my hardest to show how I feel. You may never read these
words, but I hope you somehow feel them anyways.

For
My Brother,
My Lover,
My Enemy,
My Friend.
For Someone I’ll Never Forget














I should’ve known. How time changes things. But I’m not talking about how my hair looks different from when I was running around in the school playground, Or how I was playing with dolls and dressing up, and now I keep my eyes glued on my phone. I’m talking about how I used to laugh with you in the back of the class, now I watch you across the classroom laughing with someone I don’t even know the name of.

We used to plan how we would set up our rooms in our future 2 bedroom apartment together, or how we get our first job together, how we would never leave each other no matter the situation. But instead I watch you walk past me without even waving.

I should've known. You would find someone that treated you like a person, they would stay on the phone with you through bad Facebook messenger calls because you never got a phone with service, you would follow them around the school at lunch break because you claimed to have no friends, and you would see a small smile form on their face because that same smile formed on mine when you told me you would rather be with me anyway.

Because I laughed on how your face was all distorted and blurry because we both had bad Wi-Fi, because I walked with you to the teacher to ask if we could sit together, because I buried my face in my hands when you were doing everything to embarrass me while trick-or-treating on Halloween, because I made you sign a contract swearing you would be my friend for the rest of eternity, because I treated you like someone, a person, a friend, my friend.

I should’ve known. That when you called me that night for the first time in months, it wasn’t because you wanted to talk to me about your show or because you were bored. But it was about how you and her broke up. It was about how you loved her. That you couldn’t find anybody because they all just leave. Yet, I still stayed. Listening to you sob and talk about you and her together. The next day instead of seeing you across the school cafeteria, I saw you next to me. And for a moment, I thought I could laugh with you again. But still, I should've known.

Because a week later you were gone again. With her. I should’ve known. All of that laughter and smiles would turn into jealousy and tears.

I should’ve known. You would find someone and get away from the groups of people looking at us in the hallways.

I should’ve known. You would grow up after saying you never would.

I should’ve known. You would walk with someone else to a class.

I should’ve known. I would get a new friend group with you not in it.

I should’ve known. I would call a friend and it wouldn’t be you.

I should’ve known. that the promise we made with each other to always be by each other's side was just another thing

I should’ve known from the start.

I miss the way we used to talk and the way I'd make you laugh,
I miss the way you'd let me cry, and the way you knew what to say.
I miss the way we fought for our friendship, confident that it'll forever stay.

I miss the promises of tomorrow, the plans we'll never see.
I miss forgiveness and forgetting sorrow,
and those times out by the beach.

I miss the early mornings, tie dying shirts,
complaining about our friends and goofing off after,

******* about our exes,
Everyone joking that we're dating.

Online get togethers,
But now, those memories are fading.

I miss texting all night,

Supporting each other's dreams no matter how absurd,
Breaking down when life got too heavy but finding comfort in each other's words.

I miss the confidence you gave me, the home i left my heart,
The things we'd only tell each other when our worlds were falling apart.

While it may all be different now,
Like we're no longer looking at the same sun,
Time graced us with lessons in helping us find out who we'll soon become.

But I still miss the call therapy sessions,
The walks out by your house,
The poems you'd let me read and the ones i write about you now.

Watching you fall in and out of love,
guiding you along the way,
Watching you lose it all,
and take your own life away.

God, I wish it was you he saved.
I wished you could come back, that I craved.

Then I realized it all didn't matter
You did what you did because you thought you'd be better of after.

But there, you left me.
You left questions,
You left memories..
And now, all I am left willing to do,
Is missing you.

We met once again,
In an instance
Outside of time.

You reminded me
You hadn't gone.
And, we caught up
On moments lost.

You explained,
It was just
A misunderstanding.

You had hid away,
To make us all
Realize
How much we loved you
When you were
Here.

The solace I felt
At your return
Filled me up.
Just like old times.

Until, you needed to go
Again;
Leaving me wondering,
When I'll see you again.

For, you had many
Loved ones to visit
That night;

And you were the
Shared connection
Between us all.

As I wiped the
Sleep from my eye,
I got ready for the day
Without you.

~

Yes, my friend, my heart has enough space to carry you a thousand times, back and forth from here to there. And, I know there will be a space for me in yours when I see you then.

In the mirror through tears, i notice that i am dressed in the scars of every deep wound I played off like a paper cut, and the phone in my pocket weighs a thousand pounds from your text messages.

I want to skip the ******* thing in a river.

Oil and water but just as much as I know we won’t ever mix, you convince me it’s all part of the recipe.

I have shrank down, cut pieces of myself like a cake and served everyone at every table a slice every time.

Stuffed my baggage in the closet and let you move yours in instead.

Cried like an anxious dog who’s owner wasn’t around.

And we called this pain love, for 20 years.

I slipped into the role, thanks to my parents.

Mentally ill and emotionally unaware,
It’s so easy to choose what’s easy and so hard to notice your love has gone rotten.

I changed my perspective and every smooth word started to sting.

I was kind as you were building up pieces of me to fuel your own fire.

I understood until I couldn’t anymore, but you never would.

Change your perspective with me, climb the mountain and realize the hike’s easier on the way down, i would’ve carried you all the way up if you asked me. But we sat for 20 years and heard everybody on the way back down talk about the view.

I chose to sit with you instead. And when I finally took that first step up, I should’ve known it meant leaving you behind me.

I am my own destiny. I am the bullet in the chamber and the consequences of the trigger pull. I am my own mind, I tended the garden of fear and worry and constant replay of mistakes and regret. I am more than who I think I should be for anyone else.


good luck with all the **** you’ve got going on. disrespectfully yours, your ex “best friend”

“I felt there was no
point in telling
anyone anything
that was happening
inside of me.”

Once I saw that,
I felt my purpose in
life had been fulfilled.

Once I realised that
I may be the main character
in my life and the background
in someone else’s, I rejoiced.
The “someone else” being my
best friend.

Once I know that I will depart their lives in either one day or one year, life becomes so much easier.

Me
Without you

Is like the moon
Without the night

The fish
Without the ocean

The sun
Without the sky

Tom
Without jerry

Peanut butter
Without jelly

Don't leave, please

Honestly
You are my best friend
I love that we can call
And talk about nothing
And everything
All at once
Over the span of thirty minutes

I love that we can do anything
And enjoy doing it
Because we are together

I love that we can go on long walks
And it's like we are the only people in the world
Because we are best friends

I miss the good old days
Where we would go to the mall
Read books
Write poetry
And laugh

I miss the good old days
Where we would sleep over at each others houses
Talking about boys
And girls
And music

I miss the good old days
Where we would fight
But the next day
We would hug and make up

I miss the good old days
Where we would watch sad movies
And cry our hearts out
While hugging each other

I miss the good old days
Where we could call each other
Best friends
But i guess
Friends grow apart
I wish we didnt
Because I miss the good old days
And I hope you do too...

You are my last 7 minutes.
And for some who don’t understand
It is the brain that portrays your best memories
Most care-free moments in life
When once you were unashamed of your smile
The times your stress was to fly away,
Your mind plays back to those times
Like
a record player on Rewind.
So, when I say that you are my last 7 minutes
I mean
You are the broken record player that repeats in me
And when someone wants to take that away
I will stand between them and you
Because you hold
my most carefree moments
my joyous of times
my life,
You are my
Last 7 minutes.