You're a young boy on
The playground, sharing with the
Pretty girls you like

A procession of pink lilies
upon a blackened road with
white dots on its surface
For what do they protest?
Dusk and twilight approaching
Everyone is holding a
black candle in its hands
The trees turned down
their blank stare and
lapsed into silence
Someone's playing Chopin's
funeral march on a piano
covered with ivy
It is a requiem mass about
the death of pure beauty

MK ULTRA IS REAL AND IS BEING USED ON ME

beads that hit like bullets
sudden and painful and take you by surprise
but the damage is only temporary
and then i collect them
and give them sentimental value
which i know is something i shouldn't
because ill only lose them anyway

the other people who have collected beads
are guns
they shoot them when they lose them
some days they want their beads back but
they're mine now
and because of that we don't get along
im the one who gave them value
so they're mine and they're never getting them back

i dont remember my first bead
where it came from or how i got it
but one day it appeared
but now it's long gone
i wouldn't worry if i were you
most people never keep their first bead
they go missing after a while

on rare occasion im not being careful
on rare occasion i decide i won't act with ease
im reckless and careless
until suddenly
i pull the trigger, not on purpose in the slightest
maybe i said some things, did some things
knew a little too much about things
but because i pulled the trigger
only a couple will stay, the rest will go missing
and ill never get them back

my beads are weapons that are used against me
they never asked to be shot at me
but once i attached that value to them
they were stuck with me forever
and despite people telling me "let them go"
"the chipped beads, the bad beads"
"you don't need them. they're toxic."
but i keep them because i believe it's worth it

but then because of those few beads i keep
i slowly notice the others disappearing
one by one they're all gone
and suddenly without warning
my barrell of beads is empty
except for the last
and now the beads i once cherished so much
are gone
and now in the barrell of another gun

i pulled the trigger again

There's a parallel universe where I have abs
And cool hair.
Where I ride the bluest wave Back to shore.
Where I tell people to *******
Because I hit every ball
They ever threw at me.

Instead I give myself a mulligan.
And surf the green waves of the flatline.
And hum the same B flat
Until it sounds like
B

You push me away
then pull me close
and you reject me
and tell me you miss me
and act liek nothing is wrong
and share random stuff one moment
not talk to me for days next
and somehow
in this push-pull friendship of ours
everytime you come back
after hurting me for days,
weeks, sometimes months on end
everytime you talk sweet to me
after harsh words
everytime you pretend
like everything is cool
and nothing happened
and you didn't hurt me
brushing it off as bad mood,
bad day,
bad timing.
everytime you bounce back
i get annoyed with the fact
that i don't even pretend to be okay.
that it really is okay
all that matters at the moment is we are friends again
and you are talking to me again
and i can't not care
and i can't shut you off
the way you shut me off.
i guess this is what it means
to love the unlovable.

But i really care
and i really love you.

J'ouvre les yeux,
Je pleure de BONHEUR,
Moi, qui vient de sortir...
Du ventre de ma mère,
petite que je suis,
GRAND sont mes yeux,
Ouvert pour admirer,
Ma mère qui sourirait

En voyageant vers l'inconnu,
Je découvre ma famille,
Toute JOYEUSE,
de voir du monde,
Je fais mon premier pas
dans... ma... vie,
avec un **SOURIRE